Mourning Sadness

It’s been awhile since my last check in. I’ve been sorting through my fan mail and most of it is saying they love the Cracked Pot Meditations, but they have no idea what’s been going on with me. Thanks readers for the outpouring of support and love.

I started the Cracked Pot Meditations as a daily exercise to help me with the fog left over from chemo brain. I wanted to have a deadline of once a day write something hopefully funny to post and be accountable to publishing it everyday. Since I’ve started I’ve been able to read better, write more clearly and I feel like my brain is defogging. I did cheat and have my witty beautiful girlfriend do a horoscope one day, but I don’t regret that at all, and I hope to have her do more things in the future since she is funnier than me.

I am still working in the grocery business. I got a promotion and will be moving to a store not yet opened in Portland’s growing Lloyd business neighborhood. I will be in charge of the coffee program there and that is exactly what I wanted to do since starting at Green Zebra Grocery, so I am excited.

I still live with my lawyer Rob in the seedy part of town and please be careful visiting us; we don’t know what kind of night our neighborhood is going to have. We either have full on gang shootouts or full street parties with live bands and great food.

I will be going to my next doctor appointment in early April. Most of the time I am pretty sure everything is going to be okay, but then I read other people’s stories about going in for check up and things get really bad really quick, so I feel like I have a hard time just being okay.

I had a great adventure with my gorgeous lady friend and constant companion, Bing Bong. We travelled down the coast and looked for agates, which I guess it is a great time looking for them when the ocean is wild. We stayed the night in Florence, Oregon and it was a magical romantic time. She is great and treats me like a princess.

In less than two weeks I’ll be celebrating 22 years of not drinking or doing drugs. This has taken a new meaning later in my life and due to my battle with cancer. I really can’t believe that I’m still sober. As I get older and I got comfortable, being knocked down really took a lot out me and makes me so tired. I look back at where I was last year at this time and I can’t believe I’m standing. I have been having back issues and that’s just a pinch compared to the pain & suffering I felt last year. The first 22 years were a bitch; so lets hope these next 22 is smooth sailing.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

I’ve been working very slowly on a comic storyboard. I’ve been taking notes on a novel I’ve been working on and I am still going to put together my own pack of tarot cards. I am excited to be getting my brain back.

I sat down with a man I admire a lot who has been diagnosed with cancer. He wanted to know my experience and what helped me. We talked for an hour as I laid out what happened and how I felt and what I did. It seemed so out of body talking about that experience like it happened decades ago. I was even a block away where all the magic took place.

Don’t do it alone. Ask ask ask for help no matter what, no matter how much you think you are being a burden, ask. Even if it’s someone to just sit next to you so you don’t have to feel alone.

Every experience is different. What happened to me is not the same as other people who have had cancer. I had my own experience and some things were easy and other things were hard. Even the terminology is different case by case.

ONLY LISTEN TO DOCTORS. I don’t care what you read on 4:20 times or Buddha Health Dharma News, weed and meditation does not cure cancer or help at all. Let the doctors do their job. If you are going to die because they’d rather get that big pharm dime then you die like you were already going to do, but most of the time the doctor wants you to beat cancer.

Whatever you feel is okay.