There is nothing more demanding than waiting. I’ve been waiting since Friday to find out if I’m going to have surgery or not. While it looks like I’m in remission, I just want the whole thing to be over.
I am pretty sure that it won’t be like it was before I went to the hospital. My body has aged decades since having surgery and going through chemo. My view of the world has changed or has reverted back to an angrier younger view.
One of the negative side effects of this whole experience is that it has awakened my anger. Other people noticed it before I did and just thought it was that uncomfortable feeling I had the entire time I was going through chemo, but it was a deep down rumbling rage that was leaking to the surface. It wasn’t the kind of anger that is pointed towards anyone, but anger towards life. I felt so much gratitude for all the people who reached out to me and supported me, but there was this other part of me that just saw the worst part of the world.
I’ve not smoked for over two months, which is nowhere near the longest I’ve gone, but even with having cancer, I want to smoke. The healthier I’ve felt the more I’ve wanted to smoke. The feeling is strong sometimes and it’s always when I’m by my self, which is often, but I just try to think of something else.
I was in a coffee shop two weeks ago. It was right before a doctor’s appointment and I wanted to get a cup of coffee in me so I could be sharp. The place was busy and the line was pretty long, but people were ordering quickly and getting out of the way – cash is always quicker than a card. There were two ladies in front of me and one of them was holding a baby who was around one. When it was the ladies turn, they then started looking at the pastry case and the drink menu. The baby was reaching for my blazer hat, but I kept ducking my head back, but I couldn’t move out of the way because the people behind me were right there. The lady holding the baby notices that the baby is trying to touch my hat.
“Oh, [baby’s name] loves the blazers!” and leans the baby closer so that the baby can grab my hat.
I jerk my head out of the way and say too loudly, “Get that baby away from me!”
The whole café was staring at me like I was the biggest jerk in the world.
“I don’t like babies,” I reply to help people understand me, but it ends up backfiring. I forget to mention I have cancer or that they would have laughed if it had been an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
I also remember being on crowded busses and being so full of fatigue, but looking like a strong abled body, I didn’t feel right asking for another able body looking person to move from the front seats, so instead I stood on the bus uncomfortable and fatigued hating all the able body looking motherfuckers sitting down looking at their phones and e-readers. I would wish cancer would make me look worst so people knew to move for me.
A year ago or so I had decided to not engage in debate on Facebook. I am totally okay with doing it in person because a person can’t hide behind a computer. Sometimes I’ll confront someone in public about a debate from Facebook, but they’re totally unable to argue orally like they can write. I have relapsed a few times when something really ticks me off, but most of the time I just enjoy reading other people’s arguments. The last few weeks have been the hardest it has ever been not to join the debate society online because of the ridiculous things people are saying. It’s mostly about race and police and you know, the current stuff. Usually I can dismiss a person I disagree with for being dumb, annoying or trollish, or just has a different experience and education about a certain subject, but I’ve written whole pages of arguments, but I remember what idiotic it would be to engage, so I don’t post it.
I will say that the most annoying thing I ever see on Facebook debate society is people who post articles and links that are lies. I know that sometimes an article really proves your point, no matter what side of the debate you’re on, but check it, is it real? Is it from a real source, or a joke site or a blogger who’d rather be right than honest? The other bummer is when I check the article and see that it’s bullshit and then I lose all respect for you and don’t think you have any right to any opinions you have about all things from political and cultural to what kind of pizza I should have next Wednesday night.
See, angry.
Not to say that anger is the only emotional response I’ve got from cancer and her treatment, but its something that I need to address before I start defriending people in real like. I don’t want to be an asshole anymore. My entire twenties and early thirties was about being an asshole and now I just want to be a respectable person. I want to be a guy, if I were single, ladies would want to friend zone.
Nice isn’t an easy thing for me to be. It’s a struggle. It doesn’t come naturally, nor does it get easier with time. In fact, the cancer and treatment, has made it harder. I’m nodding at what you are saying, but I am seething with rage inside. It isn’t who you are or that I’m better or worst than you, it’s my old self not wanting to leave and wants to lash out.
I really want to think everything is going to be okay. I keep saying it will, but I also know it isn’t. I know I probably won’t die in my sleep or that I’ll die before anyone else I care bout dies so I’ll be skipped on the pain of grief. I try to see the beauty of the world, but then people start talking about what they think about stuff and I then think nukes and scorched earth. Goddamn it, everything is going to be okay.
Anger isn’t just that reaction to someone being rude and putting up dukes. Anger can be that quiet crackle in the back of the mind that puts a negative light on anything that is seen. Cute bunnies, funny jokes or wisdom can’t treat some anger. Some anger cannot be talked or listened away. Some anger just has to be ignored and pretend doesn’t exist.
Sometimes I think a cigarette would numb that anger. It always worked before, but smoking also makes the body sick, so I’m told by the experts, doctors and nurses, I can’t, so I won’t.
I’m most known for quitting stuff, so I guess quitting one more thing won’t hurt too badly.
I’m just hoping this anger quiets soon. It is too loud.
Keep writing man. This is the shit!!
Dave I can relate to your anger, when I busted my back and leg up for almost 2 years I was always pissed at the world and it’s stupid people, real truth I was just in pain ! Be it physical or emotional it still does the same thing to me, I was 9 years sober when I realized how pissed off I was all the time. Not sure how I changed but over time after I became a wear of it, it slowed. Now I just have it once in while, usually if I’m driving!! Keep talking and righting about it, helps to know I’m not the only one that feels like that!!
Plainview: Are you an angry man, Henry?
Henry Brands: About what?
Plainview: Are you envious? D’you get envious?
Henry Brands: I don’t think so. No.
Plainview: I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people.
Henry Brands: That part of me is gone. Working and not succeeding- all my, uh… failures has left me, uh… I just don’t… care.
Plainview: Well, if it’s in me, it’s in you. There are times when I… I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to earn enough money I can get away from everyone.
Henry Brands: What will you do about your boy?
Plainview: I don’t know. Uhhhh, maybe it’ll change. Does your sound come back to you? I don’t know. Maybe no one knows that. A doctor might not know that.
Henry Brands: Where’s his mother?
Plainview: I don’t want to talk about those things. I see the worst in people, Henry. I don’t need to look past seeing them to get all I need. I’ve built up my hatreds over the years, little by little. Having you here gives me a second breath of life. I can’t keep doing this on my own… with these, umm… people.
[laughs]