Acting Tough by Singing and Dancing

I love the World Cup. It’s one of the best sport tournaments in the world. Whole countries practically shut down during the month every four years while they play to make it for the cup.

I like soccer. It’s not my favorite sport, but I like a good match. I love the World Cup and watching the different countries play their different styles of futbol. I like watching European matches. I am a fair weathered FC Barcelona fan.

Every World Cup year in America fans become soccer experts. The news always reports on how this World Cup will make soccer a major sport in America while people in bars complain about off sides and flops, and others talk about how they just don’t get soccer – ties, long time with nothing going on and what soccer should do to make it better.

Soccer will not be popular in America anytime soon. It doesn’t matter how popular it is in the rest of the world, it doesn’t matter that the MLS is in nineteen different markets or that soccer is a legitimate athletic sport.

I’m not saying any of the reasons for soccer not ever becoming popular here are good reasons.

Soccer is this great activity for little kids, but after a certain age most kids go on to other sports or beg mom to let them to never be on a field of grass again. An American can grow up dreaming of being in the NBA, MLB, NFL and NHL, but dreaming about growing up to play in the MLS. A kid great at basketball doesn’t want to play in some league in Turkey instead of in the NBA. The MLS is terrible. It’s mediocre soccer. The MLS will never have the money to compete with the premier leagues in Europe and if the MLS can’t be the best, than America won’t bother to invest their time.

I live in Portland where the Timbers play. In 2010 the Portland Timbers joined Major League Soccer from playing in a lesser regional league. I was excited when the Timbers joined the MLS, but now I’m not very excited at all. These are some of the reasons why I’m not excited anymore.

The Fucking Fans

For a long time the only sport show in town has been the NBA team the Portland Trailblazers. After winning the 1977 finals, the Blazers have consistently been in the post season until 2003 when the infamous Jail Blazers lost in the first round to the Dallas Mavericks.

In 2011 the Timbers joined the MLS and Portland came out in droves to become fans. Portland needed a team to back and while the Timbers were already playing here in other leagues, Timbers joining the MLS made it a mainstream attraction. Most matches are sold out. I hate these people.

1. Pretending to be European hooligans. They talk with British slang with American accents. Saying bloody, wanker and cheers with an American accent makes you sound like a fucking idiot. They have this soft rivalry with the Seattle Sounders, but if an English hooligan is a gun, than a Portland hooligan is a non-fat latte.
2. They sing through the entire game like a glee club. You can’t enjoy a match while making sure you sing the right lyrics and hand gestures.
3. They clog public transit and downtown Portland. They take over bars and restaurants by the herd and will even admit to taking ownership of the place (see 4). I don’t know why there is a reason for Timber fans being so much worst than Blazer fans after their games except for generations of experience helps the Blazer fans to come up with etiquettes and order.
4. Being self entitled pricks

There are probably lots of other reasons I hate Timber fans, but these four are the most glaring.

Timber fans represent everything I resent about New Portland. I hear them argue about how long they have been ticket holders and how many games they have been to just like when New Portlanders brag about how long since they have moved to Portland. New Portlanders suffer from Peter Pan syndrome with not wanting to grow up and singing songs, dancing and wearing costumes is what one does at a Timber match makes sense.

There is No Fucking Baseball in Portland Anymore

Because of MLS rules, the Portland Beavers, a Triple-A baseball team, had to move to Arizona. The Beavers had played in Portland since 1903, except in 1994. There had been teams in Portland before that, but the Beavers had the longest run in Portland’s sport history.

I know that the Beavers weren’t selling as many tickets in the last few years and now we have the Hillsboro Hops, a Single-A team, but there is something wrong with not having baseball in the city.

Mediocre Soccer

The Timbers aren’t the best in the MLS and MLS is not good soccer. If one didn’t like soccer in the first place would find everything wrong with MLS soccer. A lot of ties, sloppy passing, cherry picking and uncreative strategy make for a shitty game, and if you go to a live game everyone is singing around you and waving flags.

Can’t Even Go to a Fucking Game

While I applaud the Portland Timbers success, I’ve only been to one game and one reserve game and only because someone I knew brought me to the games. I’ve seen most of my games on TV. One can’t just show up to the stadium and get tickets on game day without spending four hours or more in line. Why do new Portlanders like to stand in line? There is a strange comparison with Timber matches and popular brunch spots. It makes the Timbers a very exclusive event and makes this complaint part of Timber fans being self entitled pricks.

Some of my friends are Timber fans. Some of them love soccer and others admittedly love the theater of the Timber Army and other fans. I don’t know if I’ll ever become a Timber fan.

We’ll hear in 2018 that soccer fans are on the rise in America and nothing will actually change. People will watch the World Cup and talk about the same things like flops, off sides and ties and there will be MAX trains full of assholes with scarves singing songs.