As the Second Season of Cancer Ends…

For the second time in my 42 years of life, I have successfully finished cancer chemotherapy treatment. The tests came back good and there are no signs of cancer in my body. I have waited a long time after the last treatment for this appointment. Now I get to be cancer free again.

Like last time, I don’t really feel a strong feeling of relief. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to not have cancer anymore; I just feel okay about it. There is the feeling of dread for the next time, an emptiness, and the anxiety of what is to happen now. 

I am stuck in a weird spot where I will never be what I was, and because of that I have to figure out what I am to become. I am employed, I am engaged to get married, I have friends, I love my family. My past has meaning though I feel so disconnected to it like I am on side two of a record and everything before this was on side one. Everything is familiar, but I can’t help but feel like it is new as well.

I already feel the post cancer depression. I have a hard time getting excited about life. It’s a weird thing to be depressed about not being sick anymore, but as I described in previous blogs, being sick is so real and now it’s over.

It makes time seem so cyclical. I have done everything I’ve done before. It has already happened. Nothing is this new experience; it only seems like it is new in a linear sense. It only makes sense that I will get sick again.

I know, I know, don’t dwell in negative thinking and hopelessness. Be positive. Eat vitamins. Drink CBDs. Eat tropical fruits and nuts. Don’t eat sugar. Meditate. Pray. Join a religion. Shave your head. Run a marathon. Say nice shit to yourself in a mirror. Sacrifice a lamb.

I know that there is hope. A feeling doesn’t mean you are stuck that way. I can be fearful of my future and live like I am full of hope at the same time. It is everything that has given me strength in these troubled times. I don’t let feelings dictate my actions.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have that depression or the sadness. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel happy and joy for the things I’m grateful for. The online communities make it seem like you are either happy and successful or sad and failing. I take care of myself. I acknowledge my depression and negative emotions. It’s what I do with it that matters. 

I look forward to the future. I know that these feelings will go away. I know one day that the time I had cancer will seem so distant and far away. It will be that time in my life that I had cancer. I’ll make jokes about it. Someday something else will be the big problem in my life. I might feel this much about something that is much smaller than cancer. 

I am excited about the future I get to create with Nicole. I get to create this family from the gifts and wisdom from my family and the work that Nicole and I have put into being in a relationship. I hope to enter a long time of creating this family without this cancer coming back. I hope we walk hand in hand through things knowing we have each other.

The point is that I don’t have cancer anymore. I don’t get to quite say I’m in remission, that will be in five years. It could come back, but I am told it is highly unlikely – which is good. The point is that I still have a long road of recovery in front of me. The point is that I am sad. The point is that I hurt all the time. The point is that I know that it is getting better. The point is that I am excited for my future. 

I have lived my life getting second chances. I have been very hard to kill. Drugs, people, and diseases haven’t hit their mark. I get to have one more chance. This time I’m going to get married, go to Sicily with the woman of my dreams, I get to continue a baseball podcast with two great guys, I get to create a comic book, and I hope that I create so much more. I hope I turn the sadness and the depression into love and creativity.

I hope that I can give hope to someone who is sick that we can get through it. It’s okay to hurt and be sad. It’s okay to want to give up and blame it on everybody else. It’s okay to feel alone. You don’t have to appear strong. Being what you are and sharing that is where strength comes from.