I know, I’m sorry, I haven’t written in weeks. You were all probably at the edge of your seats wondering what I have been feeling lately. Is there a new food fad that he could blast? Does he still have cancer? Is he dating again? What’s his thoughts about vaping at juggalo festivals? All questions posed to me during my short sabbatical.The truth is, I’ve just been tired and depressed. I’ve been adjusting to the work life, and that has been hard on the body. I’ve also been just depressed about still dealing with cancer. Am I going to die soon? Some days I don’t really care or think about it, but other days I think about going on a well earned spree, disappearing or death by cop. Sometimes I change my mind several times a day.
It has changed the way I deal with things. I don’t have time to think, ponder and process shit. Before I got sick I was becoming more and more of an introvert, but now I almost have to be around people or I dive into a sad thought spiral that never ends with me feeling good. When some people share their issues with me, I’m thinking inside my head, “I’M GOING TO FUCKING DIE!”, but I try to stay cordial and helpful.
It’s put a damper on dating. “Oh, you like me and I like you? Sweet! Get ready for me to be really really sick and then die. This is going to be an awesome five years, gurl.”
I tried dating, but it seems I am way too impatient to put up with certain things. The last woman I dated seemed to not like a certain part of my personality, and we were just a week in. It was my weird side she had issues with. So decades of therapy and terrible memories of bullying and nights of excruciating lonliness due to being weird came crashing down around me and I had to walk away. I can change some things, but I’m forever a weirdo.
My ex really ruined me when it comes to expectations for women I date. She really loved/loves me unconditionally, and allowed me to be me, even during the worst of times.
I totally got a crush on this woman, but I don’t think she is into me back. I can’t read her, but she said she wasn’t into the mustache, so I shaved the mustache.
On my days off I lie in bed for a real long time. I’m not sleeping, my body is recuperating. My body is still a long time from recovering from the last surgery and the chemo. I wake up around 5am after sleeping fro two to three hours and I get up go to the bathroom, take my meds and then lie back down. I check all my media sources for news and what the fuck you people are up to, and then I lie there thinking and feeling my body.
I don’t get out of bed until my hunger gets annoying. This is around 11am. I get up and make coffee and eat a little something and then I lie back down. Either I have to go to work, or by one I finally feel like I can put some clothes on and do something with my day.
I don’t like being that tired. I don’t sleep more than three hours a night, but my body wants to stay in bed for eight to ten hours to rest.
I walk everywhere for exercise. I put in my ear phones and walk around for miles. I try to never go the same way twice. I like walking by houses and seeing their yards and through their windows. I like finding things that remind me of ancient pagan rituals or symbols. If I get too tired, I find a bus and go the rest of the way that way.
I spend a lot of time alone, so work has been a godsend. I’ve been enjoying getting out my head and just helping people and talking to them about mundane worthless things. Weather, sports and non controversial politics. I can small talk with the best of them. I even do research. I go on the internet and look at the weather, major sporting events and any bigger news items just so I am prepared to discuss. I don’t argue with anyone, even if they’re assholes, unless they cross lines, but most of the time I’m just like, “Yup, she’s a hot one today, gonna be hotter tomorrow I hear.”
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It’s also been financially fruitful since I just ran out of money. Back to being poor. Green Zebra has been a great company to work for. I look forward to the new location on Division to open up, so I can walk to work instead of an hour long, thought filled bus ride.
I guess I’m coming out of the major depression, but the cancer death blues still hang over me pretty heavy. Somedays I really wonder why I even try. I’ve been feeling better this week. I’ve been feeling more hope lately, and that is the secret to getting through this is hope.
