I’ve been out of the hospital two whole days now and stayed at my parents’ house. Tomorrow I go back for another chemotherapy session. It’s almost 8:30 and I’m exhausted. I mean that after I write this I will probably go to sleep. I don’t feel like me anymore. This doesn’t feel like my body. […]
Well it looks like I’ll be leaving the hospital today. I’m just waiting for some take home medications and paperwork. Leaving the hospital just opens up the “what if …” part of the brain. I haven’t felt this much fear and uncertainty in 20 years. I’ve almost always known that everything is going to be […]
It all started at 2pm while I was at work at Slabtown when I started getting chest pains. At first I thought I had pulled a muscle, but the pain started to intensify and it started to spread around my left side and my back. It became more and more intense as the minutes went […]
Dry lightning is lighting up the western sky and every time I think I should head to bed a line of electricity crackles across the night. I haven’t seen dry lightning in western Oregon in a long time, it almost seems like I’m somewhere else. My grandmother died earlier tonight. She was 103. To be […]
There is nothing more painful than watching someone you love go through excruciating pain. Physical pain isn’t fun, but it is the emotional and psychological pain that is really painful. I want to fix it. I even want to take the pain for myself. The powerlessness of not being able to do anything is frustrating. […]
The fact that I don’t have the things to say to make a person just relax and give up all the negative emotions that have been his or her driving force has given me a great sadness. There is no magic in my words, just timing. I’ll just keep saying stuff until the right time […]
On February 12th, 2014 I will have gone twenty years without drinking or doing drugs. In nine days I will have gone two decades without trying to kill myself and hating the way I feel sober. I’ll have committed to something longer than I’ve ever committed to anything. It hasn’t been easy. Sometimes I feel […]
I am 37 years old. A year went by faster than ever. Every year time plays cruel jokes on me; I wait forever for an hour to go by, and I wait seconds for birthdays to arrive. The trouble is I don’t want to age anymore. I’ve misspent my youth. I still think I’m a […]
The other night, Sharon and I searched around a church in the pouring down rain for a baby we thought was abandoned. We couldn’t find the baby, but Sharon named it Stewie. I ran into a bunch of Portland Timber fans on my way to work. They were annoying as usual and I was wondering […]
I guess I’m a grown ass man. I’m not the young man I used to be. The nights are no longer extensions of day and days are no longer for sleeping. Hills and rooftops are no longer for sliding down. I am no longer immortal. I saw a whale at the beach Saturday. I exclaimed, […]
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