Changing One Anniversary For Another

Yesterday was my 5-year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer. No one wrote on my Facebook wall, called, or sent me any presents. In my life, this anniversary has as much to do with who I am as my birthday, my sobriety date, and my wedding anniversary.

It’s a bittersweet date. I was one kind of person before that day, and then I became another kind of person after that date. I spent a long time waiting for this Dave that existed before I had cancer and not accepting this new Dave that began after cancer. It almost seems like an anniversary of the death of someone I had a very complicated relationship with.

It’s also easy to wonder where my life would be like if I hadn’t been diagnosed. While it took a lot from me and continues to plague me with chemo side effects, anxiety, and doctors’ appointments; it also put me in a position to slow down and be a person who can be alone and also be marriable and become a dog dad.

Nicole came into my life at this very strange time in my life. I was recovering from very invasive surgery. I was working 10 hours a week in a small grocery store, and I was just hanging out. We just organically found each other in a time when both of us were dealt with life-changing trials.

Now we are the proud parents of Doctor Professor Mister Rufus Q. Rizzo Fisher Fuzzybottoms; Esquire. We are the proud veterans of couple’s therapy and making mistakes and hurting each other’s feelings and having to let go of the idea that happiness is the only goal for a ‘good’ relationship. We must always grow.

As I write this, she is somewhere in The Dalles at her new job. I’m in Portland. If her job works out in these next two months, I will join her. We will occupy a farmhouse in a valley of cherry trees looking down at the gorge and the hills of Washington. It will be quiet and lonely with a wind howling through the canyons and fruit trees. We will be looking at Mount Hood backwards.

This brings a strange sense of home to me. To be in this solace with my wife and dog. While wherever in the world I go, so do I, but Portland has become something that isn’t home to me anymore. I used to be so in love with this city, and for a long time, I grew up with it. I watched as Portland started matching the rest of the world, as the world became homogenized.

My parents moved to the coast, so that home base in Portland where no matter how bad life got, I could just go there, even if just for dinner. All my memories are now multi-use developments.

When Nicole and I drove to the job interview, we drove up the grade into the canyon where fruit trees marched in formation and birds circled ridges. We both lowered our windows and smelled the air, and we both were sure this was where we were supposed to be.

When we were leaving for our Honeymoon, we were both sure we wanted to make some changes in our lives. I wasn’t feeling very good doing customer service anymore. Somewhere in cancer and the getting old, I lost the love for my fellow humans, and I think somewhere in the technology and society, people lost their ability to treat others with any kind of selflessness and compassion. I decided to spend some time looking at options when we got back from Italy.

Nothing really came up right away, but then Nicole got this email from this family in The Dalles, a small town east of the cascades in the gorge, looking for a nanny. She read this email out loud, and it included this farmhouse rent free. I became too excited. The idea of leaving my job and Portland was no problem. The idea of living in a small town, even if it is a conservative one, was inspiring and hopeful. This was the big sign of what we were supposed to do next.

I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing out there, but I know I will be seeing a lot of sunsets change the colors of the canyon walls. I know I’ll be listening to the wind blow through the orchards and rustling leaves. I will watch snowfall and cover the earth and yellow colored fields. I know I will be walking along the rows of cherry trees while Rufus sniffs animal tracks and Nicole tells me about her day.

Maybe this will be the new anniversary. Instead of being post-cancer, it will become post the Dalles. I’m not afraid of moving an hour and a half away from Portland, especially since I will be sharing a home with my wife and my dog. We hope friends and family will visit us and sit on our porch and watch the slopes turn different colors as the sun sets behind Mount Hood.

It’s been 5 years since I’ve had cancer, but I’ve gotten married and visited a handful of countries. I feel sore and fatigue every day, but I’m with the woman of my dreams. I am living the life of my wildest fantasies while still very stuck in stark reality by my body and mind. I’ve lived a whole life in these last 5 years.