People need to know what they are doing wrong and it is hard to let them know without sounding like an asshole or trying to be too nice and letting the point not being made. I propose a short tutorial on how to constructively criticize someone.
First you must find it important to bring up the issue. People are doing dumb shit everyday and there are not enough hours in a day to correct everyone, and if you did you’d be a troll. The issue must be important. The person you are about to approach must become a better person for it – if they heed your advice. Really search yourself and find the strength to let mundane shit go, but if it is important, prepare yourself.
Know that if you approach this person and begin to constructively criticize them that it might backfire and go terribly wrong. The person might become aggressive and angry and turn it on you. The person might not be used to criticism and was raised with parents who never disciplined them short of murder, so the idea of making a mistake will cause great sadness and will probably lead to sobbing while eating peanut butter out of the jar. You might get punched in the neck, but physical harm usually heals while it might just take time for your criticism to sink in for a worthy effect.
Know your target, er person. Some people need a straight up talkin’ too. Why hem and haw when making a blunt statement will do. Sometimes hedging your opinion with “I think”, “I feel” and “I don’t mean to, but” that will just dull your sword of truth and some people have dense armor you will need to cut through. Just say it plain and simple and with confidence.
Some people will look for defensive measures, so don’t allow any. Don’t say you and everyone think, or someone told you to say, or you speak on behalf of anyone; just represent yourself. The person will only hear about the others and feel like they are being attacked by a whole army of what they thought were friends and will start scheming ways of revenge. If you are the only one lodging the complaint and are standing there, then that person will have to deal with just you. That doesn’t mean that the first thing that person does is talk mad shit about you behind your back and turn all your friends and family and even the dog against you.
It’s one thing to have a criticism and it is another to have a criticism and a solution to that problem. Going in with just what the person is doing wrong and walking away just makes you an asshole. Having advice handy will ensure that you are actually trying to help and not just getting your rocks off cutting someone down at the knees.
If the person attacks and tries to criticize you, be ready to stand your ground and not react emotionally. Know every dark shitty thing about yourself and find pride in all of it so when it gets pointed out to you it would be as damaging as them pointing out that you wear shoes.
Not everyone is in a place to want to change. Some people love lying in their warm comfortable squishy shit. Some people think they are right even if it means lying to themselves. Some people love being the terrors they are. It is comfortable being unstable and insane. They may know that there is a nice comfortable way of life that doesn’t feel like a tornado of anxiety and anguish for all who is near and dear.
A huge mistake is to expect anything from the exchange of ideas. You might find your student of life flunking your class. You’ll just have to accept that you did the best you can and that not everyone is smart enough to absorb your lessons.
If you become the criticized, you must not fret. Everyone on earth sucks and could do with some improvement. Listen and nod and thank the person. If it was some real good advice or criticism, than you try to change, but most times it’ll be shit counsel.
The last thing I’ll bring up is if you are scared of confrontation, then your constructive criticism is the most important of all. Loud mouth assholes like myself are a dime a dozen, so when some quiet introspective person points out my fault, I listen closely, mostly because you aren’t speaking up, but a little because I must be really terrible if you of all people are standing up to me. If someone doesn’t change, will you be okay? If not, then it is time to put your work boots on and confront.
Never let emotions take over and guide your words. Being angry will just undercut your true message. Be firm and confident. Don’t raise your voice or name call. If the person is too belligerent, you can walk away and know that you tried your best, but the person is obviously in love with being a douchebag.
If it does get out of hand, remember that if you keep smiling, you don’t have to make an apology later.
Criticism is important. Our society is becoming more and more scared of being called out, so don’t let this art become forgotten. If you truly love your friends and want them to be the best that they can be, criticizing them will only make them stronger. Sometimes you will have to put the friendship in jeopardy to help someone.
Nice 😉