Cracked Pot Meditation – The Soviet Union

Meditation for November 29th, 2016

The Soviet Union

You know when life was simple? When we lived in the shadow of the Soviet Union annihalting us off the face of the planet with nuclear missles everyday. It was a clear and understandable evil political and economical system of communism. The Red Scare kept us up late at night with worries of invasion. We always had covert and overt proxy wars all over the globe that we could root for from afar. 

Then one day the Soviet Union crashed into the Siberian tundra under the weight of its doomed economic policies. The people wanted to be free. They saw the west and envied our liberty. The great communism experiment had failed. 

Now our enemies are hidden in shadows without clear defined boundaries on a map. They aren’t driven by wealth and power but by religious fervor that is too similar to the religion that drives many Americans. 

Instead of complete nuclear winter setting into small packs of marauders driving armored vehicles and fighting for oil and water listening to heavy metal, it is just the small possibility of the nice cafe you’re in blowing up. How can you fight an enemy like that?

Now we are directionless and because the Soviet Union isn’t there to unify us, we are as split as we were during the Civil War. 

We need a Soviet Union. We half-ass try to make it China and even once in awhile we vilify Vladimir Putin’s Russia, but it doesn’t have the same ring. China is as capitalist as it can get and Russia is just a giant state of hillbillies. 

We were always building and competing economically during the Cold War. The motivation was there. The government spent money on things other than the military. They spent money on education so we could be smarter than them. The CIA even funded crazy avant-garde art just to shove in the Soviets face how freedoms of expression full we were. We woke up every day knowing we needed to be better scientists, doctors, soldiers, artists, garbage men, violinists the. Those goddamned pinkos. 

The last bastion of communism is fading away after Cuba’s revolutionary hero and dictator Fidel Castro died of natural causes. He ran the country like the very best socialist ideas with the very worse fascist ideology. Made great health care and education, but tried to rid the island of the unmentionables like gays, diseased, and other weirdos. It’s like Castro is a weird Bernie-Trump hybrid. 

Some try to make it about religion, but religion makes a strong case against capitalism, so the idea of Christ versus Muhammad hasn’t quite made it out of the hate groups. Religion just doesn’t have the same pull as it did before. There would need to be more Muslims committing fatwa on us, and we would need more people going on crusades. 

The Soviet Union was a clear defined space, and terrorists are in most countries. Only a few countries spend money on state sponsored terrorism: Iran, Syria, Saudi Arabia, and Texas. Most countries want to be rid of the psychos as bad as we want them to be gone, but we keep making great decisions and/or bombing happy wedding parties and making more. 

Instead of worrying of the bus you’re on blowing up by susicide bomber, the war with the Soviet Union was fought in African and Asian civil wars, bolstering puppet governments, economic warefare, and hockey. The fear was too abstract for the daily worry about the clouds raining radiation on us. 

We need a foe. Superman would just be too powerful without Lex Luthor out witting him. We have grown fat, stupid, comfortable, and corruptable. 

There is one glimmer of good news. Before the Great Bear died, she sent hundreds of sleeper agents to live among us. They were to be like normal men and women living like Americans. 

One man woke up in the late 90s to numbers being read monotonously over the radio. The numbers kept repeating and repeating. He had been activated from under the ashes of the Soviet Union. She was going to try one last attempt to take down the great capitalist haven that is the United States of America. 

With the help of the KGB’s top hackers, this sleeper agent became the greatest of all moles, the very nightmare of the late James Jesus Angelton, who ruined his life thinking there was a mole at the very top position of government in the United States. This sleeper agent is now the elected president of the United States of America. 

Using tactful fake journalism feeding off the very little we spen on education, sparking the same fears religion had already instilled in us before, having anger push the working class to vote against their own best interest, the old Soviet Union has risen. 

The red scare is a phoenix rising to defeat us one more time. 

I will look to the late Patrick Swayze for motivation the day the sky is filled with men parachuting down, I will become a Wolverine and I won’t take any goddamned ruskie take my America away from me! WOLVERINES!