Cracked Pot Meditations – Adulting

Meditation for April 11^th, 2016

Adulting

There is this term on the Internet called adulating. It is when a person that is of adult age (18 +) does something that an adult from previous generation has done. This includes paying bills, doing the laundry, washing the dishes or anything else that requires work. Some people refer to picking up their room as adulting as if a parent had asked them to.

Grow the fuck up. Because you grew up in this time and age you have no skills whatsoever. Yeah, you can program your computer to be a super scuzzy gaming tower, but you can’t even unclog a toilet. You know how to multi-task on your Android, but you don’t have the slightest idea how to wire a three-way switch or what a three way switch is.

If you owned a house you would have to hire professionals to do everything for you. You would spend thousands of dollars a year on plumbers, electricians, painters, contractors and landscapers because you weren’t taught a goddamn thing about using your hands. So when you are looking at property and wondering what your monthly budget will be, make sure you put in the “I-Never-Learned-Anything” cost in.

You also waste hundreds of dollars a month on eating out because you don’t know how to cook or how to start cooking before you are so hungry you’re dizzy. You still don’t eat breakfast until you’ve been up for four hours and hating humankind. You look in your refrigerator for food and realize that everything you have requires time to prepare. Rice? That takes twenty fucking minutes or more!

You have a car and you don’t even know how many miles since your last oil change unless you got one of those neato stickers from the dude dressed up like it’s 1910 at Oil Can Henry’s. You don’t even check your oil on a semi-regular basis. You have no idea if your breaks are good or about to go so that next time you are driving down a steep hill you might drive straight into the Thai restaurant at the end of the hill. Any kind of noise happens or the check engine light becomes annoying means a few hundred dollars or more at the mechanics. I’m sure the mechanic can talk any of you into having a ground loop isolator installed.

We have the news promising us complete destruction due to earth quakes, climate change, flooding, hurricanes, tornadoes, terrorism, civil war, us versus them and any other kind of possible danger that creates a post apocalyptic future world. But instead of Mad Max, you’re going to get nothing because no one knows how to survive anymore. The gun-toting idiots who fear big government because they know how to fix stuff will actually run this world. Jethro and Lonnie will just own your well-educated ass. Squeal like a pig, Bobby!

Prayer

Dear God,

What has happened to us?

Before the churches and the cities and the governments,

We could survive with nothing.

Now we are destroyed if we don’t eat for four hours or more.

We need pillow top mattresses and three pillows to sleep well.

We need pills to fall asleep and pills to be able to cope being awake.

Before the hospitals and the industries,

We lived by the land.

We could grow things and hunt things,

But now we stare at florescent-lit fruit,

That is covered in wax and may have pesticides in it.

We buy meats from animals that are doing the same drugs as Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong.

Instead of getting killed by saber tooth tigers or a starving pack of wolves,

We are setting boundaries.

We live a long time but for no other reason than because we can.

Dear God,

Why?

Is this what you wanted when you made us?

Did you envision a world of traffic and people talking about traffic all the time?

Did you see I-5 north this afternoon?

Did you create us to destroy the world you made us to live on and be in denial of it?

Did you want us to become weaker and weaker as we become more advanced?

Flood us please!

I know you made this super big deal of never doing it again, but I think this just justifies a good flood. Let the sky open up and let it rain! Purge this earth of your parasitic creation that was supposed to be your children. You know you fucked up. Make amends by flooding the earth so that from space the orb is only blue. This time don’t make an alcoholic make an ark and go animal collecting, just wipe it clean and start over. You’re a God, so start acting like it. I don’t know why you’re hiding from your giant mistake called humans, but get that dam open.

Amen.

Craft

How to survive.

You need four basic things: Warmth, Water, Sleep & Food.

To have warmth you need to be able to start a fire. The best way to do this without a lighter or matches is by cutting a red headed person open. His or her blood will be hot enough to catch some loose pine needles ablaze.

To find water you will need a Y shaped stick. You will hold the two arms of the stick with the longer part facing away from you. You will need to recite these words as you walk around:

Someone told me long ago

There’s a calm before the storm,

I know; it’s been coming for some time.

When it’s over, so they say

It’ll rain a sunny day,

I know; shining down like water.

I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?

I want to know, have you ever seen the rain

Coming down on a sunny day?

Yesterday, and days before,

Sun is cold and rain is hard,

I know; been that way for all my time.

‘Til forever, on it goes

Through the circle, fast and slow,

I know; it can’t stop, I wonder.

I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?

I want to know, have you ever seen the rain

Coming down on a sunny day?

Yeah!

I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?

I want to know, have you ever seen the rain

Coming down on a sunny day?

When you walk over water your stick should point to the ground and wiggle a bit.

You’ll need to make shelter if you are going to sleep. What you’ll need to do is find a dry flat ground. Now sing this song:

Look for the bare necessities

The simple bare necessities

Forget about your worries and your strife

I mean the bare necessities

Old Mother Nature’s recipes

That brings the bare necessities of life

Wherever I wander, wherever I roam

I couldn’t be fonder of my big home

The bees are buzzin’ in the tree

To make some honey just for me

When you look under the rocks and plants

And take a glance at the fancy ants

Then maybe try a few

The bare necessities of life will come to you

They’ll come to you!

Look for the bare necessities

The simple bare necessities

Forget about your worries and your strife

I mean the bare necessities

That’s why a bear can rest at ease

With just the bare necessities of life

Now when you pick a pawpaw

Or a prickly pear

And you prick a raw paw

Next time beware

Don’t pick the prickly pear by the paw

When you pick a pear

Try to use the claw

But you don’t need to use the claw

When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw

Have I given you a clue ?

The bare necessities of life will come to you

They’ll come to you!

So just try and relax, yeah cool it

Fall apart in my backyard

‘Cause let me tell you something little britches

If you act like that bee acts, uh uh

You’re working too hard

And don’t spend your time lookin’ around

For something you want that can’t be found

When you find out you can live without it

And go along not thinkin’ about it

I’ll tell you something true

The bare necessities of life will come to you

A bear should wander up to you swaying his or her head to your delightful melody. You then lull the bear to sleep with the song. Repeat the song as many times as possible to make sure the bear is asleep. Cut the bear open with your survival knife (See Rambo) and climb inside.

For food you’ll want to find a dead stump or fallen tree. Lift the bark up and start licking the grubs and other bugs off the wood like a delicious ice cream cone.

With this quick list of survival skills, you should be able to last many years past the fall of civilization.

Goal

Why don’t you put that phone down, Angry Birds can wait, and go learn how to be an adult instead of being a child forever.

Extra credit

Stay homeless for a year.