Meditation for July 24th, 2016
Ailuromancy
Ailuromancy is the fortune telling method of reading cats. This has been used for centuries to help divine the future. Ailuromancy was the number one method of meteorology until 1966 when someone decided to send up a weather balloon, but a cat is kept on hand to make sure the weather balloon is accurate, and this method has a 13% accuracy of forecasting the weather.
Before Adam & Eve had to leave Eden, the heavens were at war. One side of angels were on the side of Satan who believed that man should understand knowledge, while the ones on Allah’s side believed that humans weren’t meant to be that much wiser than a chimpanzee, so this really fucks up creation. The Satan camp was cast below, and the angels were turned into cats who prowled the earth resenting God and human alike, while Satan went into the Earth’s core and took up Hades. God felt that the cat had too much power and would try to sway humans to go against God, he created dogs to keep the balance of man fair, or at least more fair.
But cats can see beyond our silly three dimensional ways and can see the future, past and other parallel universes at the same time. The only human that achieved that was NBA star Chris Bosch. Seeing that much “time” out of space can be unsettling, so humans learned to watch the cat’s reaction to see what was coming.
It turns out, cats are the very accelerant for chaos magic.
~if a cat turns it’s tail towards the fire, it means a change in weather towards the rainy or frosty kind of way.
~if a cat is curled up with it’s head touching the ground, it means a storm is coming.
~if a cat is washing it’s face and ears: rain.
~if a cat is following you, then money is coming your way.
~if you’re following a cat, then creditors are about to corner you. Run! And don’t answer any phone calls!
~if a cat is grooming itself in the ears, then you have a visitor. Right ear means gentleman, left ear means lady.
~if a black cat crosses your path, then it’s bad luck.
~if a white cat crosses your path, it means you’re about to get away with something other people can’t.
~if a grey cat crosses your path, it means you’ll have good luck.
~if a tuxedo cat charges you from under a van or an RV trailer and bites you on the right ankle, the Raiders are going to beat the Kansas City Chiefs.
~if an orange tabby dances on two feet while singing I Don’t Want to Set the World on Fire by The Ink Spots, it might mean you should cut carbs out of your diet and pick up a little more protein, but don’t cut out carbs all together because carbs are important to fuel you brain, and brains are how you do your thinkin’.
~if a Russian blue cartwheels across carpet in a North to South direction, then you are going to have a Republican presidential administration.
~if a Maine coon checkmates a British blue, then you’ll have a Libertarian party running the country – into bankruptcy.
~if an Abyssinian cat chokes on fifteen White Castle burgers, then you’ll have a Democratic president.
~if a Scottish fold looks at you with wide eyes that almost look like their watering and your heart is breaking because of how cute that widdle face is, you are going to die in seconds.
~if a chateaux is shuffling papers at a desk and has a Greatest Dad coffee mug and is wearing a tie and you can smell cheap bourbon, that cat is about to fire you.
~if a cat mews at dawn and you are awake, it means you are having the worse day of your life.
Sometimes you can read the future by reading the cat’s business in the kitty litter. Cats never do anything without a reason. Even shitting. Cats are messengers for Satan and want to rule the world. They resent you for being God’s chosen things and not the angels. Here are some ways to read cat scat.
~straight and narrow means you’ll have good luck.
~curly Qs are bad luck.
~buried poops are a sign that you are about to come into some money.
~splatter means you are about to get sick.
~wet and runny and pooling on top of the litter means you have a rare untreatable disease.
~little balls means you should gamble.
~a pile means you shouldn’t gamble.
~outside of the box means it’s a good time to start that creative project.
~not even in the same room as the litter box means it is time to start a meth lab.
~piss on your bed means you will die alone.
~piss on your couch means it’s time to stop watching that dumb TV show and go play squash.
~if you have to help the cat get the poop out of the butt because it is stuck, this means you are blessed by Satan and can choose a person of your choice to smote.