Meditation for March 27th, 2016
Birthdays
Tomorrow my dad will be 67 years old. Tonight he will stare out at his back property and contemplate the mysteries of life. Birthdays are a great time to look back at where you came from and take stock on your life now. A person all over the world does cleansing and inventory rituals on their birthday to help purge bad juju. Birthday is a milestone in ones life. We were born at the exact time the planets, stars and moons were in exact placement to create your prophesy, and now you can reflect if you achieved that revelation or not.
You probably haven’t. Reincarnation is continually living life after life until you complete your star destiny. Once you fulfill your prophecy, then you can finally become celestial and get some rest.
Birthdays are a great time to compare yourself to others your age. I like looking at all my generational colleagues and see what I don’t have compared to him. Some things bum me out like a fulfilling career, passion for something they have time for and money. Other things make me happy; like kids.
It is also a great time to reflect on who didn’t make it to your age. There are people you used to know but now are dead. They will no longer celebrate birthdays because they have died. Dead people don’t eat cake. They are dead and so a surprise party would be inappropriate. The dead don’t get surprised.
The day of your birth anniversary is also a great day to make it all about you. It is the one-day a year you can really be the selfish narcissistic needy insecure person you really are and demand cake and presents. You can pretend to ironically read your birthday horoscope out loud but really you are making people listen to a reading about you. You can get really upset if someone doesn’t make enough of a deal about it being your birthday.
AA people are so sensitive they call their sober anniversaries birthdays.
Prayer
St. Anne,
It is five minutes before my birthday party starts according to Facebook.
Why didn’t anyone show up early and ask to help?
I’m really bummed I had to uninvited Carl.
Only because he and Vera just broke up,
and Vera is like my best friend,
but Carl is such a nice guy,
but I don’t want any drama at my party.
I’m sad that no one threw me a surprise party.
Only people that are really loved get surprise parties.
I HEAR A CAR!
Oh, it’s just the neighbor.
I’ll put out two bowls of Bugles with the spinach dip.
I HEAR A CAR!
I don’t recognize that Subaru…oh, they just want to turn around.
It’s now five minutes after and no one is here yet!
DOES NO ONE LIKE ME!?!
AM I GOING TO SPEND MY BIRTHDAY ALONE?!?
AM I JUST DOOMED TO GETTING OLD ALONE AND PATHETIC?!?!
AM I JUST A WASTE OF A FLESH BAG!?!
I HATE MYS…
Hello?
Come in!
Can I get your jacket?
Oh, thank you that is very sweet,
hold on the door again…
St. John of Egypt
It’s my birthday today.
I am turning ____ years old.
I know, I don’t look it.
Yes I am an Aries,
how did you know?
Oh you just knew by how I was acting?
I guess I am a natural Aries.
Tell me more what an Aries is like.
I do do that!
That too!
Wow!
That is all exactly right!
That is uncanny how spot on my horoscope is!
Oh, every year I do the same thing.
Yup, I make a big deal about it every year.
I know, right?
Aries life.
#arieslyfe
I was born in the year of the Ox.
Really?
I am like that!
Seriously!
That is too close to home!
Tell me more!
That is interesting that I’m like that!
Yeah!
I really don’t like change!
Weird, you think that I was born in an Aquarian moon?
Oh, I guess I do that.
That would make sense.
I have no idea what time I was born.
I’ll see if I can find out!
You’d do my star chart?
That would be so cool to hear that much about me!
Yeah, I love when people just ask me questions,
instead of talking about themselves.
It’s my birthday,
so I’m going to tell more people.
Amen.
Horoscope
Every sign has a different view on birthdays, so let’s take a look, shall we?
Aquarius – The Aquarian won’t even tell you it is their birthday, but then give you a bad time that you didn’t notice. If they do a celebration it needs to be weird and not traditional. They like the idea of scuba diving and chopping off arms off an octopus and make a headdress out of them. They also will ignore your birthday even if they are at your party.
Virgo – Yes, they are the ones that end up getting too drunk and punching a police horse in the face but then talking their way out of jail. The Virgo is an observant one, so they just like being somewhere that they can see someone take a shower or try on bathing suits. Virgos will never thank you for taking them out for their birthday. They are really rude.
Capricorn – These Capricorns are the ones that throw their own parties and criticizes everyone else for making it suck. They will be mad that you are having a conversation about a certain subject with another party goer because it was boring and not everyone would enjoy it even though no one else was paying attention anyway. Then the Capricorn comes to your party and just talks about how much better their party was.
Aries – The rams will have a get together, but then something won’t be right so they become silent and sullen and tells everyone to go home. They then eat a tub of vanilla bean ice cream mixed with peanut butter while crying to nature movies. Aries tend to be moody about how old they are becoming.
Gemini – Ah, the Gemini smiling while they shake your hand and thank you for coming to their birthday celebration that then tells another friend that they were really pissed that you were there and the smile never changed. Gemini’s don’t even believe it’s their birthday. Most Gemini’s believe they are actually Aries. They aren’t wrong.
Pisces – Crying in the corner because they are getting so old and haven’t done anything in their life yet. And someone didn’t show up, and boy do they notice. They also notice that no one seems to like the homemade hummus that they spent all day making. Someone needs to leave early, party is ruined. Might as well never invited anyone over at all.
Taurus – The bull is never satisfied with the gifts they get for their birthday. They sit around waiting for someone else to plan a party for them. They will show up late and leave early like it was just a general party. The blaze attitude is just the fact that they are trying not to show that they are so scared that the party was actually put together to kill them. They aren’t wrong.
Cancer – IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 10 DAYS. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 9 DAYS. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 8 DAYS. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 7 DAYS. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 6 DAYS. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 5 DAYS. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 4 DAYS. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 3 DAYS. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 2 DAYS. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 1 DAY. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 365 DAYS!
Leo – The Leo will have birthdays thrown at their feet by all their loved ones. They mainly sit in a throne and are celebrated and worshipped the rest of the year for being so confident. Leo’s tend to throw activity driven parties for themselves. When the party gets going you will find the Leo washing dishes exhausted from hosting.
Libra – Ask what a Libra wants to do for their birthday and they will shrug their shoulders. They aren’t being coy, they don’t know. They don’t know anything. They are literally too stupid to decide what cereal to eat. Don’t let a Libra go swimming alone or stand in the rain because they will drown from being so dumb. Libras are literally the dumbest sign ever and they make up 66% of all birthdays.
Scorpio – Is this going to be a surprise party? No, just a work meeting. Ah, this is going to be a surprise party then! No. It’s just a lunch break. Is this a surprise party? No. everyone is clocking out and going home. Hello, I’m home and I’m sooo surprise! Hello? Anyone here? Meow. Oh, you just want to be fed. Is this a surprise party? No. I’m just in the bathtub drinking white wine out of a plastic Solo cup and watching Girls on my iPad. No one remembered my – – – AAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!! I’M NAKED IN THE BATHTUB! You guys surprised me all right.
Sagittarius – No one knows a Sagittarian.
Goal
Birthdays aren’t really that special. You didn’t do anything to become born. You just were created biologically and pushed or cut out and now you are here. All you did was stay lucky for the number of birthdays you stayed alive. Big deal. Make a big deal about your parents on your birthday; they made you.
The Satan worshippers’ favorite holiday is their own birthday because it is a celebration of self.