Meditation for July 26th, 2016
Hexes
Some people need to be taught a lesson. People can’t get away with bad behavior, so they need to be cursed. You can do this without them knowing. By using a simple spell, you can ruin this person’s life.
Now some people are just a little bit annoying or kind of an asshole so you don’t want a full blown hex and curse them with untreatable mutated gonorrhea. You just want them to be uncomfortable with life. Here are some great hexes to know for this kind of situation.
The Screaming Baby
Some people don’t like the sound of a screaming baby, so this simple curse will make a screaming baby be everywhere they are. Their neighbors will suddenly have a screaming baby, every supermarket, movie, restaurant, plane and anywhere else this person goes to will have a screaming baby.
At 4:45am light a white candle.
Spend five minutes sucking your thumb and cooing.
Say, “Bats and dogs with rabies,
fill this life up with screaming babies.”
Poop your pants.
Email Spam
This hex will inundate their email inbox with unwanted junk mail that their junk filter won’t and can’t catch. They will have to sift through hundreds of emails a day to find the ones that are important. Sometimes the junk email will catch the real emails, so that has to be checked too.
“I’m a PC, and I’m a mac,
Send this mail to stay on track.
I’m a Mac, I’m a PC,
Turn the inbox to human fece.”
Being angry about new trendy things
Whatever is trendy or is viral will be infuriating to the person you put this hex on. No matter how fun or funny something is, this person will spend their days criticizing it. They will point out risks and negative effects these new angle things have.
Light a pinecone on fire.
Wear it like a hat until all your hair burns off.
Huff the smell of burning hair until you get really high,
Then scream at the top of your lungs,
“What’s going on?!?”
The wrong way
This will always make the toilet paper roll the wrong way and the cereal boxes will always be upside down.
Drip wax in a circle around you.
Chant,
“paper roll, paper roll,
be this person’s personal troll.
cereal box, cereal box,
this will make them mutter and talks.”
Put some wax on your open left eye.
Scream and find a phone to call 911.
Earphone puzzles
This will make all of the cords and earphones tangle easier and untangle impossibly.
Tie a snake in a bow.
Listen to a podcast and a Taylor Swift album at the same time.
Pour salt onto a CD*.
Play the CD*.
Keep rubbing salt on the CD* until the CD* doesn’t work.
Candy Crush Addiction
Makes the person addicted to Candy Crush.
Keep sending the person Candy Crush invites on Facebook.
The wet sock blues
This will cause the person to always find a way to have damp socks.
Wash all your socks.
Use goat and gold fish blood as detergent.
Dry the socks.
Use the skin of a hundred year old Chinese lady as dryer sheets.
Leave the socks in a reservoir.
Chant, “White Sox, Red Sox
Black Sox and the Reds.
Wet bag, damp box,
Moist rug, humid beds.”
Alarm clock Armageddon
This will make the cursed person wake up two minutes before the alarm clock goes off.
Set all the clocks in your house 24 hours back.
Walk backwards for 12 hours.
Take off another 12 hours off the calendar.
Wear your clothes on backwards.
Jump.
Chant, “Tic tock, tic tock,
The only way to tell time is with a rock,
Tic tock, tic tock,
It’s the wrong time for this ship to dock.”
Joke credit
This is a good one for someone who likens themselves funny. They try to tell a joke. No one hears this joke except one person who repeats it and gets the credit. Even if the person is nice and points out that the the cursed person told the joke, no one will care.
Listen to Dane Cook and laugh at every joke.
Tell people that Dane Cook is the funniest comedian.
Go and see Dane Cook live so that he can keep his joking job.
Tell everyone Dane Cook jokes with your best Dane Cook voice.
Get plastic surgery to look like Dane Cook.
*compact disk