Meditation for August 19th, 2016
Jesus Was A Leo
Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! It was 2010 years ago on this day that our Lord & Savior, Yeshua Q. Christ was born. Hallelujah!
Oh, wait, you thought Jesus was born on December 25th, 0? LOL! No, silly, people in charge of the church back in the day were either idiots or crafty salesmen because if you actually read the bible, and I mean read the bible, it would be impossible for Jesus to be born in December.
Luke 2:8 “And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.”
This could never happen in December in Palestine, but it could in August.
Using the time John the Baptist was born with these bible verses since Jesus was born around half a year after John.
Luke 1:5 “In the time of Herod king of Judea there was a priest named Zechariah, who belonged to the priestly division of Abijah; his wife Elizabeth was also a descendant of Aaron.”
Which by studying I Chronicles 24:15 “the seventeenth to Hezir, the eighteenth to Happizzez,”
Luke 1:23-24 “And when his time of service was ended, he went to his home.
24 After these days his wife Elizabeth conceived, and for five months she kept herself hidden,”
So then Elizabeth was pregnant with John.
And Mary is told by an Angel while Elizabeth is 6 months pregnant Luke 1:36 “And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren.”
We find the conceiving date soon after the angel’s visit Luke 1:31 “And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus.”
And since Jesus is a premature baby judging by his misshapen head and wide apart eyes, we find his birthday on August 19th, 4 bc.
This means Jeaus is a Leo.
What does that mean for Christianity?
It means that Jesus was so arrogant that he thought himself the son of Yaweh, one of the lesser gods of the desert. He was so enthralled with himself, he tried to convince people that he could actually erase their sin debt. Even when the church tried to tell him how wrong and crazy he was, Jesus stayed stubborn.
Jesus also is lazy, like most Leo’s, so becoming a hippy prophet for some minor sect of Jews who like to see how far out on a lake they can “walk” before sinking was his idea of getting one over on the man.
Jesus also loves theatre, and acting like some wise ass guy who speaks in riddles and parables is right up any Leo’s alley.
Leo’s hate to be ignored. Because of this they tend to up their game each time. A Leo will go from talking to making sick people better, to turning water to wine and multiplying food, and then bring the dead back to life and then taking on the banks. It’s not that Jesus wanted to be crucified, he just didn’t know when to stop trying to get attention. Bad attention is better than no attention to a Leo.
Leo’s also have a hard time dealing with straight up reality, so fantasizing that one is the king of kings or king of the Jews isn’t beyond the scope of Jesus’s Leo tendencies.
A Leo will put their own well being above all others to achieve their goal. They will turn their best friend into a fucking snitch, their business manager into a inferior mess where they won’t be executed the same way and will make his wife not able to find his body after he is dead just so the news is as overly dramatic as possible.
Leo’s. The son of gods and the children of the sun.
This means there has been some misunderstanding in some of the beliefs with Christians.
Sex is awesome and should be as adventurous as possible. They also need to feel independent in relationships, so the Christian idea of marriage is a little too strict. Christian men should have a wife, a mistress and a young Greek pool cleaner while the women should have a husband, a gardener, a butler, a gym coach, a lawyer, a massage therapist and a greasy buff Italian dressed up as a unicorn.
Families ought to be large, celebratory and go beyond the bloodlines. Ever little achievement by anyone in the family should be celebrated by having a party.
Christianity should put less emphasis on suffering in life and be into several little jobs and trades instead of a single career that takes up your entire life. Careers just kill people, and life should be more than just dying.
So gather around the Christmas peach tree and open your presents because today is Christmas.