Meditation for December 18th, 2016
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
This is a continuation of Cracked Pot Meditations’ war on Christmas.
The virgin birth of Jesus. While Christians accept this as undisputed truth, the rest of us who live our lives with logic and reason have our doubts. Did an angel really come down to fornicate on behalf of the Lord and impregnate her with God Himself, or did she cheat on Joseph and covered it up with a story that went to far in the time of billions of lives over the last two centuries?
This brings us to Roman Standard Bearer of the First Archers Cohort, Tiberius Julius Abdes Pantera. This is to believed to be the real father of Jesus, who historically the only recorded name for Jesus is Yeshu ben Pantera, or Jesus son of Pantera.
This would mean that Mary isn’t the Mother of God, but a mere adulterer, which is one of the Ten Commandments we meditated on yesterday. She should have been stoned to death instead of appearing in toasts and corn flakes.
In 1859 while digging up earth for a railroad in Germany, Pantera’s grave was found and with a little digging up of Pantera’s history, this same Roman soldier would have been fighting a Jewish uprising in Sepphoris which is just down the road from the home of Mary and Joseph in Nazareth.
Did Mary make up this angelic sexual divinity to cover up being porked by a soldier, or was she crazy and imagined Pantera an angel?
Historically speaking, Tiberius and Julius were adopted Roman names when he was conscripted into the army. Abdes means “serve to of God” and suggested that he was Semitic and maybe even Jewish. Pantera means Panther, and is a very common last name for Roman soldiers of that era. Angels and Jewish carpenters did not have the last name of Pantera.
I don’t know why the churches still grab on to this virginal birth bullshit. The Roman soldier can clear up some of the biggest loopholes in the Christian myth.
Matthew 10:5-6, “These twelve Jesus sent out, instructing them, “Go nowhere among the Gentiles and enter no town of the Samaritans, but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” And, “Ye worship ye know not what: we know what we worship: for salvation is of the Jews” all suggest that the salvation of Christ is just for the Jews, but if the father was a gentile European (though it is suggested he is a Semite), this would give legitimacy for gentiles to be worshipping a God that did not choose them.
Pantera being the father could also make all the blonde hair blue eyed Jesuses that all the racist American bibles and Sunday school study books suggested be more possible and realistic. If it was just a Jewish Arab woman, than all the blue eyed blonde haired Jesuses seem fucking Stupid and ignorant of the very essential ingredient to the whole religion.
You can make Christianity seem less silly by taking out the virgin miracle birth. Imagine explains Christianity to a modern person who for some reason was of middle intellect but never heard of Christianity before. “You see there was this girl who was a virgin and one night this angel comes in and says, ‘hey, I know you are married, but I have to knock you up so that you can carry either the Son of God, or God himself depending on how they’ll interpret this later. Don’t worry, you’ll stay a virgin after the birth, so Joseph won’t be too pissed.” And thy angel dropped thou trou. It just doesn’t sell it, does it?
The name Pantera is fucking sweet, and would make that band Pantera a Christian band instead of a borderline racist group that used to be a glam rock hair band.
So in Christmas morning when you are celebrating the wrong day of Christ’s birth with presents and egg nog, remember that none of this would have been possible without the adultery or rape of Mary with Tiberius Julius Abdes Pantera.