Meditation for February 2nd, 2016
Meditation
Meditation has become an intricate part of our modern society as we walk away from the machines to find more meaning. Adult coloring books, mindfulness classes, yoga and other dancy forms with people flocking to organized religion and cults to find someway to discover a point and find a satisfying breath. Some of the definitions of meditation are emptying or concentration of the mind, pondering of something and serious study of topic. Here are the different methods you can use to meditate.
The Sit and Stare at Nothing
You take a chair or sit uncomfortably on the floor cross-legged and you stare at a single spot on the wall or something out the window and you just sit there and try to only look at that one spot and just listen to your labored breathing because you are extremely uncomfortable. Don’t let your mind wander. Don’t think about bills, kids, your mediocre relationship, if that dude is innocent on Making a Murderer, is there a real difference between pink lady and Fuji apples, Donald Trump becoming President of the United States of America or any other slightly distracting thoughts. Just sit there.
Just Sit There And Think About That One Thing So You Don’t End Up Making A Fucking Huge Mistake
This is a lot like the previous version of meditating but instead of that on crumple of acoustic texture on your wall that looks like Don Rickles laughing, you focus on that one topic that bothers you. Maybe you are in a dead end job and want to move on, but you are scared of pulling the trigger because you really want to be a karaoke video director, and you don’t know if the money is good to support you and your family. You just think about it. You stay present, but slowly through your cycle of breathing, you focus on the pros and cons of leaving your job and starting this new venture. Breathe and sit there and focus.
The Guided Through a Fantasy Landscape Meditation
There are many CDs and cassette tapes of guided meditation. A soothing voice tells you where you are as you lie there visualizing it.
You are on a white sand beach in the Bahamas. There is a warm breeze coming off the green sea and warming your skin and rustling the banana leaves. There is a white horse trotting down the beach and you know you must mount the steed and let it take you wherever it wants to take you. You get on the horse and it gallops and lets the wind blow through your luscious long locks that you have just for this meditation. You feel a stirring in you loins as the giant beast’s muscles flex between your legs. You find yourself approaching a glass and metal building at the end of the beach. The horse stops and you know this is where you must go. As you approach you notice that the sign says, Ross Dress 4 Less. A man dressed up as a doorman at an uptown apartment building in New York approaches you and holds up $40 in two crisp twenty-dollar bills. He says you must buy a funny 80s outfit to go to the many 80s dance parties people will be hosting for the next seven decades – which is also when the world will end. You buy a jeans jacket and matching jeans, a Beach Bum tank top where the logo is all the rainbow colors, white high top New Balance Worthy 790s and a red bandanna to tie around your thigh, and you also found a corduroy Ocean Pacific hat all for $24.94.
You wake up refreshed and ready to deal with today.
Saying Shit Over and Over Again Until It’s Just Annoying
Having a mantra that you can recite over and over to focus your mind and energy is very cathartic to meditation and mindfulness. I say over and over every morning that I am a Lady Killer. This helps me think that I’m super good looking and oh, so suave when I get on the 75 bus line at 5:23am listening to Eddie Hazel on my shitty cracked IPhone heading across town to work. It helps me that despite being bundled up in a wet raincoat, I David Everett Fisher, am a Lady Killer. Why is it true? Because I said so repeatedly.
Now wake up every morning saying “I can fly! I can fly! I can fly!” and when you feel it go to the top of the Fremont Bridge and call the number there.
Pay For A Meditation Class (transcendental meditation)
If you remember one of my previous meditations, you will know that only one who has money and time can truly learn to match minds with the divine.
Moving Around Until Your Endorphins Fire
Yoga, Tai Chi and many other movement practices help the body help the brain and soul to quiet and find peace. Here are some of my favorite styles of meditation movements.
Now here comes the music
Okay, all you need is some
Patience and a little practice
And you’ll soon be disco
Dancing with the best
Lets start with
The basic two-beat turn
I’ll count it for you like this
Step left, around and
Together with the right
Step left, around and
Together with the right
Act like the end
Of the record and fade out
All that cha cha stuff
Is just played out
Kill the noise
And the instruction
Now’s the time for
A brief introduction
Feet meet the beat
Glad to meet you
Fancy moves and steps
How I greet you
Side to side
Jump, step and turn
Set the fire, boys
And let’s burn
Step left, around and
Together with the right
Stand straight, then lean
Brush tips
Step left, around and
Together with the right
Step forward, kick
Step right and back
Stop the talk, man
You’re a distraction
You can chill but
I’m not relaxing
I come here to
Turn up the party
Socialize with
Coke and Bacardi
Drop my drink and
Flee to the dance floor
Show the dj
What I came here for
Lose control
Just like a wild animal
Eat the beat
Like a hungry cannibal
Dance (do do do do)
Dance (do do do do)
(Show me how to dance)
Dance (do do do do)
Dance (do do do do)
(Show me how to dance)
Ready, set and begin
Step left, around and
Together with the right
Stand straight, then lean
Brush tips
(You gotta get with
The new steps, boy)
Step left, around and
Together with the right
Step forward, kick
Step right and back
Show you how to dance
It’s like sex
Start up dry and
End up all wet
From the moves
And all of the action
The result is pure satisfaction
Music pumps
Your partner is ready
Keep the beat
And you move steady
I’m here to show you how
Hit the floor and (dance now)
Step left, around and
Together with the right
Stand straight, then lean
Brush tips
Step left, around and
Together with the right
Step forward, kick
Step right and back
Dance (do do do do)
Dance (do do do do)
(Show me how to dance)
Dance (do do do do)
Dance (do do do do)
(Show me how to dance)
Get on your feet and
Dance to the beat and
Dance, dance, dance, dance
Dance, dance, dance, dance
Dance, dance
People come along, dance
Get down to this funky song
Dance, dance, feel the rhyth
Stomp your feet, dance
Now check it out, man
Dance (do do do do)
Dance (do do do do)
(Show me how to dance)
Dance (do do do do)
Dance (do do do do)
(Show me how to dance)
Well, that’s it
Good luck and keep on dancing
Trying to Answer Weird-Ass Riddles
Sometimes Buddhists want to trick you into thinking they are wiser than they are by giving you an unanswerable riddle to ponder as you run up and down the mountain with pales of water.
Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen. Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. “It is overfull. No more will go in!” “Like this cup,” Nan-in said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”
One evening as Shichiri Kojun was reciting sutras a thief with a sharp sword entered, demanding wither his money or his life. Shichiri told him: “Do not disturb me. You can find the money in that drawer.” Then he resumed his recitation. A little while afterwards he stopped and called: “Don’t take it all. I need some to pay taxes with tomorrow.” The intruder gathered up most of the money and started to leave. “Thank a person when you receive a gift,” Shichiri added. The man thanked him and made off. A few days afterwards the fellow was caught and confessed, among others, the offense against Shichiri. When Shichiri was called as a witness he said: “This man is no thief, at least as far as I am concerned. I gave him the money and he thanked me for it.” After he had finished his prison term, the man went to Shichiri and became his disciple.
One day a monk was walking backwards down a long mountain path. A priest was riding up the path on a donkey and was followed by some disciples. The priest asked the monk why he was walking down the pathway backwards. The monk continued down the path with a donkey and some disciples to attend a funeral for a priest who had met an untimely death.
A frog is dancing on a log and makes a decision to do the twist; does it butterfly a small plane in Mexico?
Daily Meditations
This is what you are reading, dummy.
There are other ways to meditate, but these are mostly the main ones. Some people find peace in hiking, playing music and watching baseball. Some even find enjoyment cooking their neighbors. Whatever the way you find an empty head and a full heart, do that.