Meditation for September 5th, 2016
NFL Power Rankings (for the non-NFL fan)
Professional football is war, war is art. Not finding a spiritual way of life by watching games all day Sunday is just beyond me. Football is life and the very reason America is top dog on this planet named Earth.
Here at the Cracked Pot Meditations Sports and Medicine Center located here in NFL-less Portland, Oregon, we try and get you pumped for Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays and sometimes Saturdays meditation NFL temple with power rankings.
32. The Cleveland Browns (Not those Cleveland Browns, they moved to Baltimore and became the Baltimore Ravens – after the Edger Allen Poe poem because football is very fucking literary.)
They have now ex-Washington Peckerwoods (Redskins) and Subway model Robert Griffin the Third slingin’ balls at wide receivers’ Josh Gordon and Tyrelle Pryor. They are going to be fucking terrible, just like they always have been and always will be and even with the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Cleveland Honkey-Asses (Indians), Cleveland will slip further and further into a snow blind depression.
Fantasy tip: Don’t
31. Chicago Bears
I find Jay Cutler to be a very charismatic and inspiring quarterback. He’s like our past president George W. Bush, you can picture having beers with him, but can’t run a country or an offense to save our lives. Defense might make the score not too lopsided – maybe.
Fantasy tip: I actually don’t know anything about fantasy football, but my sports team tells me to add this. I’ll try to add something helpful with better teams.
30. Santa Clara 49ers
There’s the guy who doesn’t stand and the other guy who stands and throws the ball. Not much in the catching department, but maybe if Colin runs around like he might throw it and then runs like every defense knows he will, the 9ers might have a chance.
Fantasy tip: Uh…
29. Los Angeles Rams (formerly of St. Louis via Los Angeles via Cleveland, but not the Browns)
The team has gotten better since the late days in St. Louis, but the smog and the high profile L.A. sports press is going to knock the fucking wind out of this team “returning home”. Great O-line, but I guess that only does so much I hear.
Fantasy tip: Neither quarterbacks
28. Miami Mammal Fish
The defense is all like, “right this way, sir, I believe the end zone for your points that add up to more than our points is right over here. I’ll chase you there.”
Fantasy tip: Jarvis Landry
27. The Philadelphia Eagles
Their offensive line is all like, “Hey, see that guy over there that no one recognizes? Yeah, he’s like our quarterback. Go tickle him, tiger.”
Fantasy tip: Lane Johnson (great name for a penis, amirite, football buddies?)
26. San Antonio Chargers
When Phillip Rivers isn’t touring as principle singer and songwriter of the band Weezer, he is an amazing quarterback – amazing at being really emotional. Luckily the Chargers have that great defense and crazy old guy Antonio Gates. . . Antonio Gates is still playing, right?
Fantasy tip: Antonio Gates
25. Nowlens Saints
Great offense, but since you can’t pay a defensive player to hit someone like Bobo Fett got paid to capture Han Solo, Drew Brees will have to throw more touchdowns than other teams. Also, Louisiana got themselves flooded again, so they’re playing for more than a little game, they’re playing for a dryer state.
Fantasy tip: move to higher ground.
24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Located to the right of the Nowlens Saints, these guys are pretty okay too. The quarterback, rapist Jameis Winston, is going to have to show that he can not rape women when being a paid player in the NFL. When Winston isn’t raping, he’s throwing picks and running right into linebackers.
Fantasy tip: Be a goddamned gentleman
23. Tennessee Titans (Houston Oilers, damnit)
A bunch of young guys that are going to walk out on to the grid iron with wide eyes and open mouths scared to death. You’ll probably hear a collective gulp every time a ball is snapped.
Fantasy tip: Derrick Henry might carry the ball a ways.
22. The mythological land of Atlantis Falcons
When Matt Ryan isn’t running the CIA or fighting IRA bad guys for Tom Clancy novels and movies and novelization of Tom Clancy movies, he is an idiot running around the field like it’s his first time playing football. It’s as if someone gave the boring white guy football and said, here you go, son, throw this. It’s like Paulie Shore decided to do a comeback as a quarterback, but didn’t practice ever, or even learned the game of football.
Fantasy tip: Paulie Shore
21. Buffalo Bills
Tyrod Taylor will throw the ball either up to the up hill sideline or the down hill sideline. Hilarity will ensue. No one is healthy. God doesn’t like Buffalo, see their weather for proof. Sometimes hipsters decide to be Bill fans because of some sort of misplaced novelty, but really, what a terrible place and team.
Fantasy tip: No one is available.
20. Indianapolis Colts (from Baltimore, but not a Brown, nor a Raven)
Pretty mediocre – like most really good NFL teams. Andrew Luck is a mouth breather, but always surprises.
Fantasy tip: Phillip Dorset
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (How many fucking teams does Florida need?)
Oh, boy, they are better then they were, but that isn’t very good. I think some really highly paid sport commentators have a lot of high hopes for these unloveable losers.
Fantasy tip: Move the team out of Florida
18. Oakland Raiders (Oakland, LA, Oakland, back to LA, now in Oakland, might go back to LA, or stay in Oakland, or go to Las Vegas, or San Antonio, or as the guy on the back of the 6 bus said, Portland, Oregon)
Well, these guys have a lot of hope and might win more than half of their games. They might even play so well, they might move to a big market again. Look out for empty promises though. They have all the pieces of a pretty good team, but they will let you down and you will blame the owners and the GM.
Fantasy tip: can you pick the General Manager?
17. Baltimore Ravens (formerly the Cleveland Browns and not the Colts)
Joe Q. Flacco. A thinking man on the gridiron. A philosopher, if you will. He holds on to that ball and thinks. As he thinks, the defense start putting on their helmets, for Joe is holding on to the ball. He sees the way the Universe spirals away from him and into the heavens and into the unknown. He sees the matter he can see, but he wishes, as his left side of the line has collapsed, that he could see between the matter, the anti-matter, the holes that make up more of reality than the solids we waste our time taking so seriously . . . and sacked, 3rd & long
Fantasy tip: I don’t know, they might have some good receiver or something.
16. Houston Texans (pronounced How-Sten. Conveniently became a team after the Oilers moved to Tennessee.)
I guess they have an alright defense. Some sports jerk kept mentioning the high wattage of the defense and how many watts the defense has and so on and so forth, but right now I MUST SPEAK THE TRUTH!!! BROCK OSWEILER!!!!! This is the best quarterback ever to play – in two years.
Fantasy tip: Nick Novak
15. Thou Dallas Cowboys (Use to be a Soviet propaganda tool in the 80s)
Remember the guy who was a “lawyer” in the movie Idiocrocy? He also starred in the Ashton Kutcher produced practical joke show, Punk’d? He now is famous for being so fucking adorable and cute with wife Kristen Bell? Dax Shepard? Dak Prescott? Well, now he is suddenly the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, America’s team. He is going to choke! Also, Tony Romo is a curse even off the field, so don’t expect them to be something.
Fantasy tip: Is it not too late to get Teddy Bridgwater?
14. Washington Lying Piece of Shit Senators (or the Redskins if you’re insensitive)
I guess awhile ago we already talked about post season teams. This is only because the NFL is a communist league and over half the league gets in. “Here is your trophy for trying, big guy!” Well, now we get to the teams that might have actually worked hard to get to the post season. This isn’t like the NBA, which is lazy or the MLB, which has it’s talent spread too thin, but more like the NHL which lets all the teams into the post season and that’s why the NHL season is four months and the post season is 18 months. Any-hoo, the Washington Racists will be good enough to make it further into the post season than other teams with better than bigot names.
Fantasy tip: change your name. I like the White Trash Meth Tooth Okie Sonabitches.
13. Detroit Lions
Matthew Stafford not only looks like a college guy who has mad a huge mistake, but doesn’t get the jail time to match that kind of a mistake, but he’s a pretty good QB. They got really good players that didn’t play so well at other places come to Motor City and will play really good.
Fantasy tip: Marvin Jones?
12. Minnesota Vikings (unlike the Redskin name, viking is a verb)
SAM BRADFORD?!? Give them the ring. Just kidding, but they’ll look good and play pretty good hand egg.
Fantasy tip: Adrien Peterson, I mean, C’mon, he is the stereotypical fantasy player if there ever was one!
11. Kansas City Bosses (Chiefs, really? I picture the logo to look like some trust fund girl wearing a headless at Coachella)
Alex Smith is a fundamentally good quarterback. They have a great defensive system that oughta make offensive fellas really uncomfortable. Right? I don’t know. Who actually knows anything about football? It’s skill, yes. It’s talent, yes. It’s great organizing and planning with great plays and programs that if executed will get great results, but then we have injuries, bad years, players shooting people and raping, you just have bad luck and none of those plays work! Who can know? Not ESPN, not Bleacher Report, not even Kissing Suzy Kolber, even though they just do funny football stuff and don’t really bother actually talking about the reality of football, but the Kansas City Chiefs are a team that is good enough to win the whole thing and good enough to not be in last place. Go Kansas City! They aren’t even in Kansas, they are 56,000 miles to the west in Missouri.
Fantasy tip: Chris Conley
10. Cincinnati Bengals (cool stripes, bro)
Here is a tale of a man named Andy Dalton. No one has ever heard of him. He didn’t go to any high school, nor did he ever go to college. This guy just walked out of the desert wasteland of Texas and said he wanted to throw a weird shaped ball around. He did it perfectly. They brought him into a lab and studied him. They found that his wounds healed hundreds of times faster than a normal person, and in some cases wounds that kill a normal person, he survived. They decided he’d be a great weapon, so they wrapped his bones in adamantium and gave him claws made of the same material, the lightest, but toughest metal on earth. He worked for many government and NGO agencies over the years before returning to the fabled American Jerusalem that is Cincinnati and asked if he could play catch with A.J. Green who sometimes goes by the name Cable.
Fantasy tip: Deadpool
9. Southern Canada Seahawks
What?!? I can’t hear you!!! It’s loud in this stadium full of “fans”!!! Isn’t it fun to be loud!?!?! We’re all Oregon Duck fans too!!!! They are not as good as they were so they will only be kinda good. Know what I mean? Do you? Give me a sports radio show now!
Fantasy tip: Tyler Lockett
8. New Jersey Jets
They will do reasonably well due to extra terrestrial involvement with what we know as “gravity”. You will see the ball do weird things to the sound of slide whistles and trombones. Players will go unrealistically high to catch balls and defensive players will suddenly be frozen seconds away from tackling a Jet. But before they can get all the way to the Super Bowl, the U.S. government steps in and captures the aliens and wipes our memories.
Fantasy tip: What? Where am I? I didn’t know I had a pug?
7. Arizona Cardinals
Sorry, bottom of Pearl Harbor. Never forget.
Fantasy tip: Get German scientists to help with a really big bomb.
6. Green Bay Packers
In a communist league is those popular socialists, the people owned Green Bay Packers. That wide eyed Aaaaron Rodgers is still sexy, charismatic and ready to do more commercials. They are going to choke at the game everyone thought they would win and make it to the Super Bowl. Sad trombones.
Fantasy tip: Jordy Nelson
5. Denver Broncos
They are only here because of defense. They’re offense is somewhere in the low twenties, but defense can, and does win games. . . wow! I sounded really sporty there!
Fantasy tip: the defense
4. New England Patriots
The problem isn’t that the patriots cheat, it’s that they get caught and can’t do that anymore. Matt Damon is not still the quarterback, so no more memory loss violent kung fu through exotic places. Look out for torn sweatshirts and grumpy face guy though. I hope that they do worse then they usually do, but they seem to cheat right.
Fantasy tip: LeGarrette Blount
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
Here they are again. They were doing well and then they sucked, but now they are on top again! Big Ben is DTF and ready to take this team to the bowl. Maybe the refs won’t help them win the game this time?
Fantasy tip: don’t club with Big Ben
2. Carolina Panthers (They use the fact that you don’t know which Carolina they are from to win games)
Super QB Cam Newton is gonna try again. They have a lot of the same components as last year except for a few hot rookies in the corners. There will be shenanigans and wins for sure.
Fantasy tip: Cam Newton. The only player I know really, so he must be good.
1. The New York Giants
Here is this seasons Super Bowl winners. Eli Manning isn’t going to let Peyton have the same amount of rings as him. Remember it took years for Peyton to get that second one? And he had to move to Denver to do it? Well Eli smells blood and will win the NFL hand egg tournament.
Fantasy tip: Brad Wing