Meditation for March 9th, 2016
Religious Bandwagon
There are many different paths to finding a connection to a Higher Power. Some of us have a hard time finding the right path that works for us. As you might already know, some people think their religion or spiritual path is either the best one or the only one. Most religions have missionary work and witnessing as a basis for membership, so they go out and advertise what they have to offer.
Most people are just bandwagon religious. They wait till they see what is popular, what is easy to do and what is better than other faiths. A long time ago Christianity was almost a forgotten religion practiced by a few Jewish rug salesmen and some annoying gentiles. Most of Rome still practiced pagan worship while soldiers coming home from foreign lands were bringing new faiths like worshipping Ba’al and practicing Zoroastrianism and Gnosticism, but because one Emperor had a panic attack about the slight possibility these little dirty hippies were right, asked the Christians to pray for him as he laid on his death bed uniting Christianity with the largest army and empire in the world. We could have been Zoroastrians instead.
Catholics is a great religion to be a bandwagon fan of because they kicked a lot of ass to be a behemoth church. Catholic means universal, that’s how egotistical these guys are. They made up most of what people believe Christianity to be as they went like a little kid making up a game of tag as he goes – except millions upon millions died doing it wrong. The Catholics have the best art, the best music dedicated to Her, and it’s own city and a Pope and where the Swiss dress up like candy stripers doing a part time job at Hot Dog on a Stick to protect that Pope. A lot like a sports team with a lot of money buying free agents, Catholicism does a great job taking cool rituals from pagans to make them their own. If you’re gonna hang your hat on something solid, Catholic church is the way to go.
Right now Buddhism is up and coming. It’s meditation centers along with yoga studios, woo-woo bookstores and teahouses help make poor minority neighborhoods actually habitable. The best thing about Buddhism is that you don’t have to follow any morale or ethical guidelines, but even better, you can make it up as you go! That’s right! Buddhism is completely about looking like you are Buddhist, or at least like a tattooed up punk has been trying to do right and using Buddhism to sell books and seminars. What do you think I’m doing here? Even Siddhartha sitting under the Banyan tree open His eyes in enlightenment and said, “All of this is nonsense, so I’m going to ride my fixy to the Ted Leo show.” You just have to say you’re doing it and actually do nothing at all!
Evangelical Christianity is a great place for boring scared people to circle the pick up trucks and ward off “them” from burning the cross that is painted red white and blue. Fear is a big motivator for the American Christian. They don’t have to do anything because it is a sin of some sort. Evangelicals make up 25% of Americans, the biggest percentage of any of the religions found in America, yet they pretend to be the underdog and being attacked left and right. Jump into this group because you get guns and you never have to reconcile your lifestyle with science. Remember the constitution is the book right after revelations.
There are many other religions to choose from. There are many other religions that are a lot cooler than these three, but just don’t quite get the numbers. Jews try very hard to make sure people don’t join them. I just found out my mother is Jewish and I still have to learn Hebrew and eat nine Christian babies to join for the Hollywood jobs and banking perks.
Prayer
God,
I just want to be right,
I haven’t been this happy in years,
the Pope is actually pretty cool.
I can forget the centuries of atrocities against man,
I can say, “I’ve grown up Catholic.”
It won’t be embarrassing anymore.
The Pope is cool enough that I can still be into traditional marriage, pro-life and anti-birth control and still seem kind of hip.
We got great art,
especially by our Latin American brothers and sisters,
like those candles and crosses, right?
Maybe people will forget all the sex abuse that the thousands of priests perpetrated on little kids,
I mean a few good songs make everyone forgive Michael Jackson.
Now the Pope is doing cooler things than Obama,
so can I tell my neighbor to suck it?
Padmayani,
boy am I sweaty from that yoga sesh,
now it’s time to get to the bookstore,
and sell my book,
to people who desperately want answers,
and I seem to be the guy who has them,
with stretched earlobes and black & white tats.
This is a sweet gig, man.
I get to hook up with all these young punk chicks,
who look up to me like a teacher – and I am because they love my meditation retreats.
Give me the strength to keep this serene shit up,
but still be punk rock enough,
to keep selling these books,
and these hella expensive workshops.
Jesus,
Give me the power to aim this rifle,
at the liberal non-believers ruining this country.
First it’s Barack HUSSEIN Obama,
now it’s either Hillary Bitch Clinton or Bernie Jew Socialist Sanders.
Goddamnit,
This country is going to shit,
and these hippies keep getting their way.
I just want the goddamn government to get off my back.
I just want to believe in Jesus and shoot Mexicans as they climb over the wall.
I’m going to my church that takes place in a super mega building,
where the pastor flies in his helicopter to give us the good news,
that the end is near,
that I am a part of the last generation to be alive before we are raptured,
and Satan Himself will devour all these hippy schmucks,
and I’ll be by His side putting a round in the chamber.
Now where is my unemployment check – I need more ammo.
Amen.
Craft
I call this being a tourist. A long time ago I went to a Pow Wow in Eastern Oregon and watched as all these people were taking pictures of the dancers. This was a religious experience and these people were treated it like an interesting building in New York or a rare bird.
Go to churches dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, black socks, sandals and a sun hat of some sort and take pictures of what everyone is doing. Point so your kids can see what’s so interesting when the pastor is yelling and praising and the parishioners shout out “Amen” and “Hallelujah”. Say things like, “Wow”, “Well would you look at that?” “This is very interesting, right?”
Ask questions like you’ve never heard of Christianity before. “So your people worship this virgin birth by how?” Get them to tell you the story of their ancestor’s myths.
Get confused with other religions. Keep asking if Jesus is like Coyote or vice versa.
Goal
Pick the best baddest biggest religion there is. Don’t be stuck with some has been out of fashion religion. When it comes to saving your soul and finding a Higher Power to help guide your meditation practices, it’s okay to jump on the bandwagon.