Meditation for June 25th, 2016
Sobriety Date Horoscopes
When we are born, we are born when the stars are in certain positions in the sky, and these positions of star constellations dictate our character and personality. We can look at the time and date of your birth and use the astrological sciences to foresee how you should deal with complicated decisions and what your future holds for you. We can find a love match, what kind of job you need to have, and what you are like as a person.
When some of us have to stop abusing a substance or a dangerous lifestyle like alcohol, heroin, sex, over-eating, gambling, or crack cocaine – but not weed, weed isn’t a drug – we also have a rebirth. This is why all people in 12-step programs refer to the anniversary of their first day sober as their birthday. Then their friends have to ask whether they mean belly button birthday (for some reason, after a person gets sober, they think babies are born through the belly button) or AA (or whatever A) birthday.
Because these people are born again, they have a second, birth, and rebirth horoscope. This will also mean they can have an answer to what kind of sobriety they will have.
This can also be helpful to you who might be thinking of quitting something harmful. You can shoot for a sign you enjoy and wait till then to stop masturbating twenty-seven times a day – or until the friction blisters burst. Maybe you have a loved one you want to sit down and talk to about their addiction; you can shoot for a sign that you can be compatible with.
Aries (March 21st – April 19th)
This is the first sign, so it is the baby sign. And like a squirming crying baby, the sober Aries is all about ‘me, me, me.’ an Aries is not a great person to tell your personal inventory to because they will turn it into their inventory. You’ll hear a lot of, “Yeah, I did that too…” and then a four-hour story about themselves that had nothing to do with what you brought up. The Ram is headstrong, so they will go on and on about how 12-step meetings are a certain way and all other ways are wrong, wrong, wrong. An Aries will never get rid of that pesky anger and will always be up for a good fight.
An Aries will relapse due to an argument on what prayer a meeting should have at the end. They will feel like they have been isolated from the rest of the meeting, and they will drown in their pity before drowning in their drug of choice.
Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)
The Taurus is the laziest of the 12-step zodiac. They just want to rest on their laurels. They will rest on the one thing they did well several years ago but don’t do anything else. The Taurus also has the best passive-aggressive game. They will be nice to your face as you ask for their help, but they won’t do what you asked them in desperation to do. They won’t call you back, but they will act like your best friend when you see them at a meeting. It takes years for a Bull to make a positive change in their life, so don’t count on whatever they say they are trying to do.
The Taurus will relapse by not doing anything for an excruciatingly long time and then get resentful that they still feel restless, irritable, and discontent and give in to their carnal desires.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)
The Twins are a lot of laughs, but they are too superficial to know what emotional turmoil you are going through. Do you want to get a pedi? Do you want to try on costly dresses at the mall? Do you want to watch reality TV? Wanna go to an R&B superstar show? The Gemini is the person to hang out with. Don’t tell them anything real or secret because they will tell everyone. The Gemini cannot keep a secret if you also pay them a bag of money. The Twins love to talk. They will chat all night long, so have some boundaries on how much time you spend with a Gemini if you like a quiet moment now and then.
A Gemini will relapse because they can never dive deep enough into their soul or psyche to get the psychic change mandatory for permanent sobriety. They will be at the bar unloading all of your secrets to strangers.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)
Do not piss off a crab because they will hold a grudge. They will be nice to you for years, but underneath that smile is murderous malice. You don’t know this, but some nights you are fast asleep, and this Cancer will have their hands around your neck, wondering if they can squeeze the life out of you. Luckily, they are just as needy as they are resentful, so you will be needed more than they want to kill you. Cancers are great listeners and support, but if you don’t repay their kindness with your own, well, you have a possible death in your near future. Do not criticize a Crab, for they cannot take criticism.
A Cancer will relapse after finding themselves mad at everyone in their support group and decide to tie one on to forget all the shitty people they had to endure to keep them from tying one on.
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)
The Lion is a ferocious member of 12-step groups. They are the ones that are the unsanctioned leaders of their meetings. They will share every week, week in and week out, and their share will be the fucking same. They will share either how sick they are and how much harder they have to work to be serene or how spiritual they are and how they are on a different plane than you. The Leo is stubborn – hates changes to their meeting’s format; the Leo is arrogant, so they can’t believe that you won’t listen to their every word they speak with great respect and awe like a student; and Leo’s the most self-centered of all the members of the 12-step meetings.
The Leo will relapse by not hearing their knowledge that they speak, and they will try to find a shaman in Utah to do peyote with. That’s right, and the Leo will relapse from being too spiritual.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
The Virgins are the 12-step cheerleaders. They hoorah the outstanding results they got from all their hard work, and they usually overdo their hard work. They are also the ones that are easily convinced that they need about four or five different 12-step programs, three different therapists, and will be a vitamin junky. The Virgo is too caught up in the details to see the big picture and will let the fun and serenity seep by because they will focus on having a problem instead of being ok with being ok.
The Virgo will relapse by either obsessing on the one thing on their fourth step that they are only 98% sure happened and feel like they don’t deserve to be clean due to their uncertainty, or they will relapse because they weren’t sure they took a Flintstone vitamin as directed – they may have taken it to feel something like a delicious grape taste that lasts awhile in the mouth…
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)
The Scales are to show how contradictory they are as Libras. The Libra will instead save their face than their ass. They are vain and don’t care about recovery unless it impresses others. They do more service work, but just to be seen doing great work. They work at things to get credit for them. The Libra is also a poor choice for a meeting treasurer because they will steal the money people put in the basket. Libras will also share like they are Socrates in an orchard expounding excellent knowledge to his students.
The Libra will just wait until a group gets up to their prudent reserve and take it and run to Mexico with it, buying a little person hooker, a donkey named Dave, and a lot of blow. You will see the Libra years later and will act like nothing happened and may even use their original sobriety date as their current date even though no one believes the Libra.
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)
The Scorpio is the secretive shifty character at the 12-step meetings. They will come in sporadically to meetings but know everything that is happening mysteriously. They will disappear for months to years when they are in a relationship. Still, after the relationship crashes to the ground like the Hindenburg, they will return to meetings until they find another hostage ‘ahem,’ I mean relationship. They will also be very competitive in sharing how badass they used to be in their use days.
The Scorpio will relapse because they will have been in a relationship with a person who likes to party and, after not going to any meetings for about eight months, will wake up on the opposite side of the bed, somehow staring at their partner’s line of cocaine that they left out the night before and without thinking twice about it, rolls up twenty dollar bill and SSSSSXXXXXXXZZZZZNNNNNNRRRRRRRTTTTT…
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)
Oh, poor, poor Sagittarius. You are so optimistic about your future that you are sorely let down over and over and over again. You keep thinking that you are about to have that breakthrough that all your support people seem to have, but you just don’t seem to get it. That won’t stop them from joining every committee they can get on. They love the drama of organizing events and conferences, but they are an unorganized klutz. The Centaur people oppose opposing views and will argue freely if they discover your ideas.
The Sagittarius will relapse because they are clumsy. They will break some bones, be prescribed some painkillers, and take the painkillers as prescribed, but they start realizing that they haven’t been in pain for weeks, but they are still using the painkillers, and they decide to buy heroin…
Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)
The Goats will spend their days trying to do as much as possible. They have wasted their youth being an addict, so now they want to do everything they couldn’t before. Skydiving, scuba, learning Mandarin, shooting a gun at an Ocelot, wearing a utility kilt to a Highland game, or attending community college for five years. They will do all the 12 steps in a record-setting time, embarrassing the rest of us who put shit like that off for as long as we can. Everything must be planned, so no spontaneous trip to the beach or sex naked. The Capricorn likes things planned tightly.
The Capricorn will relapse because of being embarrassed. What a bunch of crybabies.
Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)
Oh, these crazy Aquarius who just have to prove how non-conformist they are. Look at me! I’m loud and obnoxious! Look at me! I’m naked and humping the air! Look at me! I said some mean shit that’s inappropriate for a cultured society! The Aquarius cannot empathize with another human being, so they try to hold you off with insufferable jokes. Aquarius is constantly changing its persona to match the current fellowship.
The Aquarius can’t relapse. They want to so badly, but something doesn’t work anymore. They are compulsive, too, but the ambition needed to stick a needle in their arm or the bottle to their lips isn’t there. No, the Aquarius is stuck sober no matter what they want. This is God’s curse.
Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)
The Pisces are the ones that easily join 12-step groups because they are easily led and want to follow something. The Fish love to be in perpetual daydreams and cannot focus on anything. These people get up and go to the bathroom, get up and smoke, and wander around the meetings because they just can’t focus on the meeting. Pisces will do anything to now deal with serious issues. They will skate through life, hanging out and just being around. You won’t remember that they were at several social events you were at. Sleazy newcomers who take advantage of Pisces’ kindness usually scam them easily.
The Pisces will relapse because the person they happen to be worshipping relapses, and that causes so much uncertainty that they relapse to be with that person.