Meditation for July 20th,2016
Superblog About Superfood
There are foods out there that have a lot more for us than other foods. They contain nutrients and other positive elements for our physical wellbeing. A physical wellbeing is a great beginning of a spiritual life. Shitty physical health just means you aren’t trying at all.
What are superfoods? What do they do? Well, here at the David Everett Fisher Holistic Test Kitchens, we have taken all the popular superfoods and tested them on non-hippies to see if there are any truth to these claims. The kitchen is a black site and operated by a foreign government, so geneva convention rules on enhanced interrogations and food testing do not apply here.
Greek Yoghurt: More protein than the thin watery American cousin, the greek yoghurt will create a strong immune system. Lather your condoms with it to help fight STDs. This also helps with stomach health, so if you do eat two pints of ice-cream while watching Netflix original series, you can eat some of this here yoghurt and reclaim your digestive tract.
Quinoa: Because these are dried eel eggs, quinoa is a great grain substitute that is gluten free and has all nine essential amino acids. Amino acids are what makes you swole. This is what you’d eat if you’d actually hit the gym, weakling.
Blueberries: These little blue balls will actually cure cancer. I ate a lot of blueberries growing up and I only got a little bit of cancer. I still have most of my body. I should have eaten more. I did not eat enough blueberries.
Kale: These are great source of all the things your body needs to practice intense yoga and extreme trail running, but only if it is in chip form. The spicier the better.
Chia: These little seeds not only help Homer Simpson have hair, but fills your tummy with yummy fatty acids, magnesium, iron, calcium, and potassium. Just don’t shake too much afterwards, for that combination of minerals form a 50,000 megaton bomb. That is enough to make a crater the size of three King Domes.
Oatmeal: Eat this every morning with one cup of mushroom tea, and you will be regular. You will shit the exact same time everyday. They will begin setting clocks to your bowel movements. They will come up with different zodiacs for the stages of your pooping calendar.
Green Tea: Another cure for cancer that the evil pharmaceutical companies don’t want you to know, green tea will shrink a cancerous tumor quicker than a toke of marijuana. Some say that we were all mortal until a few drank too much green tea. Now those walk the earth immortal watching as man rise and fall, never to know true mortal love as they watch those they care about wither and die and man is only temporary while they see the universe in its slow silent rotation. They then come to a time called the quickening where they can gather more power by cutting off the head of another green tea fanatic. There can only be one.
Broccoli: Not only does broccoli have cancer fighting mojo in it, but it also helps heart health. If someone is having a heart attack or a seizure, stick a stalk of broccoli into the victim’s mouth. They will then live. If you don’t, you become a murderer.
Strawberries: When studies showed that antioxidants did things by seeing that it didn’t do the opposite, strawberries were great, but now studies show that antioxidants don’t actually do anything. Don’t eat strawberries.
Salmon: Another great heart food. Ancient Native-American tribes along the Pacific coast would actually do heart transplants with salmon. Those who did the transplant found themselves beating themselves up trying to get home to have sex. Then they die, but not from heart issues.
Watermelon: Rub a watermelon all over your body and you will be protected from those nasty UV waves that the sun sends to earth to kill people that live in inhospitable areas such as the Arabic peninsula, the Gobi desert and Los Angeles. Wear the shell like a helmet and you will never have an aneurysm.
Spinach: Banned in most countries and sport leagues of being a enhancement drug. Those who use spinach have been seen getting more pronounced muscles, almost silver back gorilla protective of known females and throat issues. Stay away.
Pistachios: Who cares what it does, the Italians love them, so we love them.
Eggs: We were unable to find out which animal’s eggs people were talking about when it comes to eggs, so we were unable to see any health benefits from eggs. It turns out, people aren’t from eggs that the mother sits on for nine months.
Almonds: 90% of almonds are packed full of nutrients, proteins and essential acids while 10% store a murderous rage that is burns so hot, the very sun trembles in fear.
Ginger: Cures everything. I mean everything. Cancer, HIV, AIDS, Zika, OCD, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, Mania and also helps colds to go back in time and try to kill Hitler. So far so not so good.
Beets: Makes your butt bleed when you poop. Stay away.
Beans: Rats who eat beans have less cancer than rats who don’t eat beans. These rats are caged rats that hang out inside of laboratories, so what wild rats eat is anyone’s guess. Beans? Maybe. Only God of the Bible knows that mystery.
Pumpkin: Eating pumpkin on a regular basis will cure you of any alcoholism or addiction problem you have. It is full of beta-carotene. These monster faces are also good for eye health. You will start to see color like a dolphin.
Apples: You like apples? Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples? Apples are made entirely of fiber but still gluten free. Apples are great for heart health and making diabetes go away. William Tell never had diabetes.
Cranberries: Just eat a bowl of these everyday and you won’t ever have to brush your teeth or floss again. Also, you won’t ever have cancer either. These little guys cure it.
Garlic: Eating these might make you unkissable, but you will be a healthy god/goddess. Garlic cures anything that ails you. If you have a yeast infection, insert on clove and that infection will be gone in four hours or less. If you want to make sure you have good prostate health, enter two to four cloves and hold for 48 hours.
Cauliflower: This is a natural estrogen grower, so if you are a man and you want to be a woman, eat lots of cauliflower, or if you’re a woman who wants to be more into crafts and cooking, eat more cauliflower. Cauliflower also prevents any genital cancers from forming.
Leeks: Leeks are the most potent of the cancer killing superfoods. Leeks have been known to bring people who have died of cancer ten years ago back to life. Leeks are the preferred treatment to chemo. Eat these everyday.
Lentils: This is great for vegans who are turning into anemics and or vampires. This will keep the thirst of blood down. Lentils are also a superfood to help anyone from dying from alcohol withdrawal.