Meditation for September 30th, 2016
Tea
The meditative and mindfulness universe wouldn’t be complete without a steaming cup of tea. Wrapping yourself up in a wool shawl and staring out the window at the rain beating against the window pane with a hot mug of tea listening to Bon Iver.
The kind of tea you drink says a lot about who you are. Also different teas have different effects on our lives, so I have made a guide for your consideration.
English Breakfast
This is the most powerful tea. It has caffeine. It is storming tasting and the British empire literally fucked the entire planet to have it. If this is your favorite tea, you are a kingmaker, a dominating asshole. You are an even bigger dictator if you insist on putting milk and sugar in it.
Drink this tea if you are a total loser or a scared little introvert. This will jack you up to take on the earth. Maybe you want to change the whole economy of the entire universe.
Earl Gray
This is black tea with bergamot, which is a citrus flower blossom, and that makes this tea for total ninnys. If you just want to wear a snuggy and rooting on one of the bachelors in the Bachelor, this is the tea for you. Mmmh, tea and flowers.
Maybe you are already a total monster. This tea will sprinkle compassion into your stinking rotting soul.
Chai
Steamed milk with exotic spices including tea. The very popular non-latte is the drink of choice for yogis and lonely people everywhere to escape the complete pointless existence they force on other humans everyday. They even pretend that some chais are better than others. It’s also a crime not to know where those spices come from and the horrible conditions of the people that get you your little spices.
This is a great drink if you want just live a comfortable life where nothing bothers you except the mundane things. Are you sick of election season on Facebook? Drink a chai! Tired of hearing about black people getting shot by cops and the political rants about it? Drink a chai! Bored of people talking about privilege and racism? Knock back a hot 16 oz al one milk spicy chai! You just want to talk about music videos, reality TV and fashion, so pair that with a chai.
Rooibos
Surprise! It’s not real tea! It’s an herbal infusion using an African red bush. This might be up your ally if you are a conservative pretending to be liberal. I don’t mean that you are voting for Trump, I just mean that you think you are liberal, you just don’t like all the homeless people asking for change, you see how hard the police’s jobs are, and you see that taxes hurt the economy. You still love yoga and weed though.
Drink this elixer if you are scared to be alive. Drink this if you are always thinking about cancer, strokes, aneurysms and pneumonia. Drink this if you are always angry at people not covering their mouth when they cough or sneeze. Drink rooibos if you are staring st the day you will die even if you don’t know when that day will happen.
Green Tea
The slightly more fragile little sibling of the black tea, the green tea is a maltier delicate drink. It is also the drink of choice of Americans who are obsessed with Japanese culture. Anime, hello kitty, and school girl outfits. Grow up.
There is no benefit to green tea.
Matcha
The milky blend of green tea is popular in ice creams and lattes. People who drink this have a deep down dark secret. We are talking about a monsterous, evil secret. These people look innocent and normal, but they have literal bodies under the floor boards. Run if you see a person sipping a matcha and looking at you with a green milk mustache.
Do you want to tell off your boss? Do you want the courage to ask someone out? Do you want the stones to ask for that raise? Do you want the courage to ask for a divorce? Do you ever just want to have some confidence? Don’t drink any matcha.
Herbal Tea that have healing properties
Go to a tea shop and you might find a list of herbs that can heal different “issues”. The people that rely on these teas are hopeless romantics. They hold on to the things that sing, dance and make the heart hum. They are desperate for love and connections to other people. They think that the poets spoke truth and drinking a tea that helps awaken the fourth chakra helps ignore the fact that the poets are lying sacks of shit.
Drink herbal teas for there apparent effects. You may find truth in what the poets write.