Meditation for June 30th, 2016
The Book of Judges
I usually judge a lifestyle or people by one person’s action. If a VW Jetta cuts me off in traffic, then all VWs are evil Nazi cars bent on world domination. The world judges us by our actions and not our thoughts, so when we are a known whatever and we act like a fucking tool, that whatever is forever tarnished by whomever watched you be a fucking tool.
Here are some lifestyles and groups of people that have been ruined in my life by one person or a few people.
Yoga Instructors
My coworker is a yoga instructor. She is always telling me recipes that include peach pits and swamp water boiled with ginkgo and garlic cloves that would have cured my cancer. She does some fancy yoga that is very athletic.
She calls in sick all the time. Like once every two weeks! This means that yoga just makes you a sickly person who just can’t stand up for four to eight hours at a time. Don’t do yoga, it’ll make you sick.
Vegans
This took a few people, but vegans have taught me that they are a sickly bunch that have an uncontrollable amount of allergies (like the Democrats oughta regulate that shit) and political extremism when it comes to animal rights.
Vegans want the world to stop eating animals at the cost of human life. They would literally kill a human to save a lab mouse.
With the politeness of ISIS at a bar mitzvah, Vegans will ruin a good meal with their disdain and their verbal terrorism on the screams pigs make when they peel delicious slabs of bacon off.
Microsoft
I just watched my girlfriend be in the middle of her online course when her computer shut down to update her windows. Why? Why did it have to update then? Why can’t it be nice like an Apple and ask first? Even ask if later tonight is better?
Microsoft is just dumb. Once I bought a computer that had the option of Microsoft or Linux, so I chose Microsoft. One of my D&D buddies was very upset with me that I got Microsoft instead of Linux, so from then on when I acted dumb, I’d say, “Don’t get mad at me, I use Microsoft.”
Republicans
Pat Buchanan’s “culture war” speech at the 1992 Republican convention.
“The agenda [Bill] Clinton and [Hillary] Clinton would impose on America—abortion on demand, a litmus test for the Supreme Court, homosexual rights, discrimination against religious schools, women in combat units—that’s change, all right. But it is not the kind of change America wants. It is not the kind of change America needs. And it is not the kind of change we can tolerate in a nation that we still call God’s country.”
Magic: the Gathering
They took a really great concept of epic fantasy and putting that into a card game. The only problem is that the fantasy aspect is just a back seat. So, why even paint a bunch of pictures on the cards when the game is just treated like nerdy poker with dice?
This is a game for bozos who lack imagination but still wants to crit on ice giants.
The Utah Jazz
1988. Jazz took Portland in the first round. They had a hick ass power forward named Karl “the Mailman” Malone and this little dweeb that looked like your uncle playing at the Y, John Q. Stockton. Ugly ass little shorts and tall socks and ever since then I just can not like the Utah Jazz. Won’t like the Utah Jazz.
Now they have this player, Gordon Hayward, who looks like he does his hair between quarters. Ugh, the him so much.