Meditation for December 10th, 2016
The Symbols of Christmas
Well you better be getting those gifts ready because Christmas is just around the corner. You have the wreath on the door and the stockings over the fireplace awaiting Santa’s arrival. Have you ever wondered what a lot of these symbols mean?
Wreaths
This is to symbolize the crown of thorns that Jesus wore on his very bad last day alive. To give the wreath a better look, try streaking your door with blood.
Candy Canes
These hooks represent the canes that nuns use to cane their students, and the blood represents the students’ blood that get on the cane after the nuns came their students. Mele Kalikimaka!
Christmas Trees
This started because Europeans were too dumb to build walls, so evergreen trees were used to keep the roof up. In the winter they would decorate the tree with candles and shiny things because winter sucks.
Gingerbread Men
This is to remind you that you can make a cute little man, but you can’t make it live. Only God can do that.
Bells
This is to remind us that Jesus have come back alive and this means Christians are all coming back as the undead to eat our brains. We find the bells to warn others of the oncoming Christian undead hordes.
Mistletoe
This little plant is a parasite in another plant, so like Christianity on modern culture, it hangs in high places making women kiss men they don’t want to kiss – just like Jesus did.
Holly
Bother Jesus and Santa have a real prickly personality and if you get to know them, you will find them to be toxic. This is just like the sharp leaves and poisonous berries of the holly tree. Merry Christmas!
Tinsel
These shiny strings that just gets on everything means nothing.
Stockings
Santa is a world renown drag queen who loves the feel of nylons on his smooth waxed legs, so people would hang stockings over the fireplace so Santa can prance around the living room and Christmas tree pretending to be a famous golden age actress making kissing faces and waving to her adoring fans. Santa would thank the family by leaving smaller gifts in the stockings. Because of today’s fear of gender identification, people have put up big heavy socks as stockings.
Christmas Gifts
This was created because between Jesus being a carpenter and a prophet, he was an economist. He decided that a huge almost mandatory holiday at the end of the year could help businesses in the retail industry sell a shit load of stuff and close the year with a bang. Also, you do have to buy love.