Meditations for September 12th, 2016
What Denomination of Christianity Should You Join
You’re a little bit older now and you may even have started a family. You’re not going out partying every weekend and your video games are getting cut down by golf, mowing the lawn and hopefully bbqing alright.
You’re almost dead.
And that means we need to talk about the afterlife. Each denomination has a slightly different take on our relationship with God, His son and what they do to us when we die.
Ever since Martin Luther nailed his thesis to the door of the church claiming that all should read the bible, people have been interpreting the bible differently and starting their own sect. The they kill the other sects.
Here is a quick guide to the different denominations.
Catholic
1.27 billion members
Means “universal” church. Pope is the direct living conduit to God. Loves children. Worlds biggest real estate owners. When people talk about the negative side of religion, these guys are talked about the most.
Joining: medium hard
Afterlife: fucking complicated
Cost: tithes
Pro: best art.
Pentecostal
612 million
Became a church when the second coming of Christ was imminent, but stuck around after the fake out. Loves a good baptism.
Joining: easy
Afterlife: you are sooooo fucked. Yes, God saw that.
Cost: passing a basket
Pro: talking gibberish and faith healing
Baptists
100 million
This is broken up in a million little sects of baptism, but these are the fuddy duddies that keep the republicans in business. Also, not a good religion if you are a woman.
Joining: too easy
Afterlife: sorry liberal faggot, you’re going to burn!
Cost: passing a basket
Pro: black baptist churches and their music!
Lutheran
87 million
Catholic lite. Does some of the fun myrick shit on Sunday, but then tries to be fun. Lots of humorless Swedes and Norwegians. To blame for all the religious wars, the holocaust and the Prairie Home Companion. Super into very intense interpretations of the bible.
Cost: medium easy
Afterlife: some hoops to go through while alive, but might make it.
Cost: a little tithing and some basket and maybe a bake sale.
Pro: uh, not as catholic-y?
Methodist
75 million
Oh, Christ, save me from these dickheads. Super into missionary work, but not quite into door to door, but because they think everyone has a chance at the heavens, they’ll tell everyone. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to be worried, you still have to live a perfect life on earth – no fun.
Joining: super easy if you lie about whet sins and vices you are into.
Afterlife: if you looked good in public then welcome!
Cost: baskets
Pro: none
Reformed Churches
75 million
These are some real bummer people. They believe that man does not want to be good and would rather sin without the presence of God. Those who will go to heaven have already been picked, so you have a real fucking slim chance since the number in the bible is 144,000 or so. Jesus died for the chosen, but has some to little benefit for the rest. God will only help those he has already chosen to save, so keep praying chuckles. And the worse part: no saints.
Joining: I don’t know why you would.
Afterlife: not good, in fact you’d be wasting your time to think you have a chance. Maybe the people that are always lucky and float through life without a hitch are one of the 144,000 or so.
Cost: basket
Pro: none. Just get ready to burn.
Restorationism
20 million
This includes Puritans, Landmarkists, Mormons, Seventh Day Adventists, Cheistian Science and Jehovah Witnesses. Just a bunch of weirdos making up what they thought the original church might have been liked using uneducated guesses. Some just made church on Saturdays while others made Jesus have some time in America. Some even believe in God over medical science and kills their own children. Some are about to knock on your door and tell you about being on a first name basis which Big Papi Himself.
Joining: they are at your door or at a reading library near you. They are begging! Join!
Afterlife: it is smorgasbord. Some have your own planets while others have no afterlife at all. You can do anything you want when you read the bible without any education!
Cost: Some tithes and some baskets
Pro: if you really want to get weird, put away the jean jacket with the metal patches on it, the tall bike and the pet iguana and choose one of these religions.
Anabaptism
4.5 million
Mennonites and Amish. Crafts and won’t dress fashionably beyond middle 19th century rural wear and the Amish won’t use technology beyond that either.
Joining: it’s a family thing
Afterlife: yes, for them.
Cost: you work in tight knit communities, so your cost is everything.
Pro: uh, you’ll learn to work hard and make something with your hands?
Eastern Orthodoxy
230 million
Split from the Catholics over some who is the boss politics. Beards. Very mystical and ritualistic.
Joining: hard
Afterlife: not easy, but doable
Cost: tithe
Pro: best church services ever. Most spiritual of all the denominations. Probably the best choice.
Oriental Orthodox
82 million
These poor bastards live deep in Islam territory hanging on beliefs that all the other mainstream Christianity deny. Also mystical and spiritual and can be downright esoteric. If the Muslims don’t kill you, the other groups of Christians will.
Joining: nearly impossible.
Afterlife: some believe in it, others don’t.
Cost: who knows. You go to Syria and ask.
Pro: you’d actually be a real martyr.
Anglicanism
85 million
The Church of England. Invented for the sole purpose of divorce. Now everyone can get divorced, but gays are to blame for the down fall of marriage? Anyway, diet Catholic.
Joining: medium
Afterlife: some hoops, but you can get there, even if you’re divorced.
Cost: tithe
Pro: knighthood
There are some other denominations I’m sure, but these are the main ones. There are roughly 30,000 denominations of Christianity around the globe. That’s 29,999 Christian resentments.
Bonus: start your own denomination! Let me know the deets!