Meditation for August 30th, 2016
What Does Your Favorite La Croix Flavor Say About You?
Nothin beats a nice refreshing La Croix (Leh – Qurotchuaxghuzve) on a hot summer day. They seem to have the right kind of fizzy carbonation to deliver a slight flavor punch of whatever essence they magically have. Did you know that the flavor you prefer is a sign of what kind of personality you have?
First off, La Croix comes from Wisconsin and was found gushing out of rocks by the local Ho-Chunk tribe. They found that it had healing properties, but when the white man came, they used it to curse the white man to boring mundane lives the minute they tasted the cool refreshing beverage. White people have been giggling about salads ever since.
There are 20 flavors and all of them tell a different story of those that choose that flavor as their favorites.
Pure: A boring old person that probably calls it seltzer or club soda. Probably in a wheelchair complaining about people not being patriotic enough.
Lemon: Recovering alcoholic or addict who drinks whole six packs an hour. Look for these fuckers at taco stands smoking and looking mean, but sober.
Lime: Total obnoxious clowns that fight for the center of attention. Lime drinkers usually have scars from stunts gone wrong. Lime fans love fire.
Grapefruit: These are total sheep that want so badly to fit in. They have never had an original idea in their life and will beat an inside joke to death. They also will try and become you if you seem “hip”.
Passionfruit: Oh aren’t you fun! Only in your own head. You tell jokes and think you come up with really fun ideas for things to do. “Wouldn’t that be weird!” you scream as you chug your passionfruit La Croix. Everyone around you groan.
Mango: You love anything exotic. You practice yoga. You grow bamboo around your house. You have Tibetan prayer flags in your front yard, your back yard AND in your bathroom. You wear a kimono at night. You cook with bok choy. You drink mango La Croix.
Apricot: You just loooooovvvee the 80s. You think it is so funny and you dress up like it’s the late 80s everyday. You started doing it as a joke once in awhile, but then you realized you really didn’t have any other identity except this young person pretending to be from the 80s so you embraced it.
Cran-raspberry: You have rage issues and only a little thing will set you off into a total anger black out.
Berry: You are a disgusting, ugly, terrible person. You also have a lot of money and that can’t even buy you love.
Orange: You sit among your friends who are all talking about how it would be great if Bernie was president. You smile, but the smile isn’t sincere. You don’t exactly believe that Bernie would be good for America, but you are no fan of Hillary or Trump. You dismiss the Green Party platform as just hippy utopia dreams that can’t ever come true, so you think about Gary Johnson, the Libertarian Party candidate as a solid candidate for President of the United States, but you can’t admit that to any of your “radical” friends who are now standing up for Colin Kaepernick’s decision to not stand up for the national anthem…
Coconut: There you stand in your plaid shorts, your vape pen and your fedora talking about Pokemon Go drinking a coconut La Croix.
Peach Pear: You sit in your condo on your Ikea furniture listening to NPR and being annoyed by the sounds of bums looking for cans seven stories below your safe place. You also try and show up to all the contrived events advertised in the weekly free paper.
Tangerine: You’re really into remote control drones and nothing else. Your significant other is also really into drones too and nothing else. Sometimes you guys wear same shirts.
Somme Baya (Apple Berry): You are very defensive of the things you are interested in because some of the things you are into are questionable morally.
Cerise Limon (Lemon Cherry): You love techno music and dancing. You also love a good over sized Hawaiian shirt.
Pina Fraise (Pineapple Strawberry): You literally believe that there are no bad days. You love the beach, margaritas, country music with a caribbean bend and hammocks. You also always wearing flip flops.
Kiwi Sandia (Kiwi Watermelon): You have murdered someone, snitched on your boss to cut a deal with the feds, moved to Oregon with your family, you pretend to be a carpet salesperson, but everyone guess you are a New Jersey mobster immediately.
Melon Pomelo (Cantaloup Pink Grapefruit): You are really into exercise. In fact, you can’t feel good unless you are sweating and hurting from over doing athletic strain. You do weights, long distance runs, yoga, and rugby. You look down on people who don’t do crossfit and eat paleo.
Mure Pepino (Blackberry Cucumber): You wear loud shirts, a funny hat and zany sunglasses. You are loud, you laugh at most things and you love to have a good time. You have a catch phrase and you repeat a lot of your jokes.
LaCola: Finally, someone created that taste of finishing a can of diet coke, forgets about it for an hour out under the hot sun, sees the can, and takes a slurping sip of the little bit left in the can that tastes like warm cola flavored water. This is for people that feel like they don’t deserve anything nice.
What about the people that don’t like any of the La Croix flavors? Well, you probably don’t like La Croix because of the lack of sugar so you’re just a fat fuck.