Meditation for June 8th, 2016
What Kind of Partner Are You Based on Your Sign?
Aries: Always fucking there
Aries are fiercely loyal. They are almost too loyal to a fault by never ever being anywhere else but right next to you wondering how he or she can make you feel better. The Aries is also way into adventuring, so if you are looking for a quiet companion, stay away from these spring weirdoes – they want to skydive and shit.
Taurus: Ohmygawd, soooooo boring!
The Bull is into being supporting and helping out however this person can, but other than that there is nothing going on. They will just want to sit in silence and listen to your breathing and weird shit like that. If you’re looking for a partner that has passion, then skip these rainy-day-birthday-personality-vacant-cows.
Gemini: Alcoholic
The only issue with dating a Gemini is that this Gemini that wants to date you means you either have a chemical dependency problem, or you have serious co-dependency issues. You will be following this party animal party to party, social circle to social circle wondering if you are at all special or if you are just another party for this late spring lush. Get ready for the romantic life of taking care of a drunk.
Cancer: The One That Feels
This summer baby will be looking to soak up your emotions and add it to their own. You will become unable to ever be quiet with your thoughts because the Crab will know how you’re feeling and ask to go over those feelings. The Cancer is the most psychic; making up 94% of all those in the world that hold psychic abilities. Get ready to process.
Leo: There they are, there they go
The Lion will crash into your life, make it full and then disappear before you know what’s going on. Good luck taming this wild beast. If you try to tie one down they will stare out the window and wish they were anywhere but there with you. If you let them leave for a while, they will come back to you with all attention in your favor until you get used to it and then they will be sitting there again with that dead inside wanderlust stare at the window leading out at his or her escape. Don’t trap a Leo.
Virgo: Welp, they have a lot of heart.
Virgos will try very hard. Virgos are really nice people. They mean well. They are a very special and unique sign. Just let them have a few chances before being so bored you want to have sex with a rattlesnake.
Libra: The one that is balanced . . . or not.
Boy, oh boy, if you see a Libra from a distance, you will see a balanced well-adjusted human being, but get closer and see a tornado of emotions and insanities based on unrealistic fears. They are like emotional Impressionist paintings, they look very similar to a lily pad pond, but get up close and just see smudging of colors fighting for space and look like a melting Seattle Seahawk helmet. Give a Libra a test drive for about six months before going all in.
Scorpio: The Armored Lover
You will never ever find out the real Scorpio because they will never ever show you. The guards will be up forever. You can be at the bedside of your Scorpio lover after spending 75 years with this person and realize that they had never shown their true self to you. You will feel betrayed after realizing you had spent all that time revealing your deep inner most self and you did not get anything in return. Just that cold dead smile for 75 years. If you want a partner who won’t ever process at all ever, get yourself a nice Scorpio.
Sagittarius: Just a really nice person
Yes, this is the nice person sign. You don’t want to have a lot of sex with them, you don’t want to travel all over the place with them, you don’t want to have intense personal talks with this person, but you just want to bowl and join a book club with this person. You will have matching shirts and hats at some point in your life, but you will always wonder if you actually love this person or are they really easy to get along with.
Capricorn: Put a ring on it because it wants to put a ring on you
If you are lucky and meet a Capricorn, then that person has already fantasized about the wedding you two are going to have during first drinks. The Capricorn will be beside themselves wondering how long to wait before they should ask you to marry them. It won’t be a surprise if you find out they have been engaged half a dozen times.
Aquarius: The friends first, then there was that one night
Yes, you two were close friends for years and years until one night you two were drunk and you ended up on your front porch after a rain storm and during you struggling to find your keys make out right on the porch and now you have been together for a long time. You two hang out like buddies still all the time and even treat each other like friends, but every once in awhile you’ll have sex and you will be reminded that you are in a committed relationship with this person. You two probably love to kayak.
Pisces: Emotionally available…but single
The Pisces is this enigma that exists right at the blind spot of most other single people. A person will start dating someone and then one day they will be at work and notice the Pisces that has been working there the whole time and the person will wonder for a second, why didn’t I ever ask that person out on a date? They’re cute, they’re nice, but I never noticed them until today. Oh well. That is why if you look up the stats on Pisces, you will see that they are all unhappily single.