Meditation for May 13th, 2016
You Are Unlucky
Why do things happen to you? Other people seem to not drop things, have medical issues, get into terrible relationships and have banking issues. You had all those things happen this morning. Are you unlucky or is God out to get you?
Luck is chance. That means that nothing dictates that any given event is going to happen to you. If there is multi-verses, then that means that at any given nano second, there are an infinity possibilities happening. Let’s just stick to this world, shall we? There has to be odds that something is going to happen. If it is just luck then the odds would be just as unpredictable as anyone else, but if you have a high number of unlucky events you might want to look at your relationship with a personal lord and savior, Jesus Quincy Christ.
God was spiteful and vengeful. He tired easily of the human shenanigans. He would flood the earth to start over and decimate towns with fire and brimstone just for wanting to fuck an angel. He finally decided to stop all of this madness and try the more merciful approach by following the footsteps of Zeus and Odin, by coming to earth and fucking a mortal. A half mortal man ought to whip these humans with spouts of love and compassion. They crucified him, mostly for being a rabble-rouser, but he got the capital punishment like a lot of people in Texas get.
Jesus is upset about that. He had huge plans on turning the human experience into something really great guys! So now he spends his time giving certain people, not everyone, bad luck.
Today is Friday the 13th, and supposedly this is a bad luck day. Here we are and not a single rock star that matters to most people has died, yet someone somewhere is dealing with a broken grocery bag, a bounced check (because the bank somehow didn’t transfer that one check into the right checking account so that the savings account still had some money in it and for some reason the bank just didn’t get the check transferred and five different bank personnel were spoken to about making this check good so that the other check will clear too or I think I got that right, I over heard this on the bus this morning), or someone out there is missing a bus for the seventh time in a row and getting fired for the third time this year, or someone is just not able to get all the X-01 armor pieces in Fallout 4.
You’re not unlucky, God just hates you enough to make your life super inconvenient and annoying but not take a leg away or smite you with lightning.
Prayer
Jesus Quincy Christ,
I know I somehow made it on your shit list.
I would like to get off of that.
I keep dating these great guys,
But three months into the relationship they either become possessive monsters or zombies.
I keep losing jobs,
Because I can’t seem to get there on time.
I keep losing friends,
By being a gossip and selfish,
I keep having money problems,
By losing jobs, not taking care of my money and never ever balancing my checkbook.
How do we fix this, Jesus?
Do we sit down and talk?
Do we do ‘I’ statements?
Do we sit knee-to-knee facing each other?
Can we just be even?
Are you doing this for your dad?
Is your dad still mad at me for masturbating?
How do we make my life lucky instead of unlucky?
Amen.
Craft
Take your nerdy ass down to a gaming store. Ask the overweight gentleman in the goatee and Deadpool shirt to sell you the best 20-sided die they have. Figure out your stats. What are your strength, dexterity, constitution, intelligence, wisdom and charisma? If you are very high in one of these stats, give yourself an 18, if you are good at it a 15, if you are just plain mediocre then give yourself a 12. If the stat just isn’t your thing then give yourself a 10.
Mine would be,
Strength 12 +1
Dexterity 15 +2
Constitution 15 +2
Intelligence 12 +1
Wisdom 18 +3
Charisma 18 +3
Anytime I am faced with doing anything, I try to find the stat that best suits that task and roll my 20-sided die. If I get a 12 or more then I do it, but if I get under a 12 I give up and go home. If I get a natural 20 then I win and if I roll a 1 then I fail miserably.
If someone says you don’t have a key for that door, roll your die, add +2 to it because you are using Dexterity to pick the lock and say, “I rolled a 17, so I picked the lock.”
If someone says you are wrong about who the bass player was in 311, roll an Intelligence check and if you make it say, “See? I am right.”
If someone won’t let you borrow their basketball shoes, roll a charisma roll and if you succeed say, “Actually you are convinced that you will give me those shoes.”
See? Fun!
Goal
You’re not lucky and God just doesn’t help people like you.