Meditation for July 18th, 2016
Your Mala Beads
Mala beads are those little stone beads found draped on yoga practitioners, buddhists and Asian culture aficionados everywhere. They are used to keep count of mantras and prayers, much like the Rosary beads of the Catholics. The usual count is 108, but mala beads come in different numbers and sizes.
If you are going for the new age hippy yoga bike person, then a mala bead is a must accessory. This will let people know that you have a reason to have a top knot or yoga pants on. People will see this and won’t confuse you for just a person who boringly works out all the time. Now that smug little smile you wear all day can be answered that you really are smug about being so fucking in-tuned with your silly vibrations and people won’t think you need to be punched – maybe.
Picking the right stones for your mala is an entirely other problem. Luckily for me, I have the spiritual guide to picking the right one.
ADD or a tweaker
Whoa, speed racer, slow down. You have a lot of energy. You workout five times a day and you are talking faster than the speed of sound. It sounds like Alvin of the Chipmunks on helium and crank and recorded and playing back at 45 speed. You need some soothing aquamarine or amazonite. You also might need to purify yourself with amethyst. It’s okay to chill.
A Jibber Jabber
You have to process everything from relationship break ups to how the drive through at the bank went. You need to express yourself all the time. You turn every conversation to your own problems and struggles when you are trying to help someone in the name of sharing experience. Maybe some apatite will help you be clear at least.
Freak-out
Nothing is going to work out. You can’t see a positive possibility on your horizon at all. You aren’t ever going to feel safe. You live in anxiety. You almost can’t picture your life without anxiety, nor do you want to. You’d be a big fat nothing if you didn’t have your neurosis. Get some smoky quartz to ground you back to earth and then moonstone can help see things a different way. You also might choke on the mala in your sleep.
I’m an artist
So you’re an artist. You do creative things when no one is looking. You are an artist, but yet you are always hanging out at bars and coffee shops bumming cigarettes, but you are an artist! You need some rose quartz to maybe make you think more fondly of the projects you say you are doing. You probably won’t make this mala anyway. No, I don’t smoke.
If you’re always up in other people’s shit all the goddamned time
You need to be in the action. You are a drama junky, but you prefer it from the sidelines, or better yet, as a coach. You love to fix other people and give them great advice on what they can do to better themselves while you lead a boring meaningless life. Tourmaline will protect you from being a character in the drama itself and clear quartz will clean you of all that filthy shitty energy you just swallowed being a nosy looky-lou.
Money, money, money
You care nothing but money. Gotta sell that house. Gotta get paid. Gotta get more money. Gotta be rich. You don’t care about the spiritual journey unless it helps you make more money, which there are a lot of new age and sales culture cross-overs. Sales do great in the new age world and new age works great in the sales world. Think about that. Wanna make some cash? Citrine is the stone that makes you a closer. You want to be a closer? A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing! Always be closing!A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention: do I have your attention? Interest: are you interested? I know you are ’cause it’s fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks! Decision: have you made your decision for Christ?! And Action. A-I-D-A. Get out there! You got the prospects comin’ in. You think they came in to get out of the rain? A guy don’t walk on the lot lest he wants to buy. They’re sitting out there waiting to give you their money! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it?
You just want to meditate all the time
Either I lie to you because I actually know what you are doing, but you could get amethyst to bolster your meditation practice, or if I know what you are actually doing, let me suggest Grizzly Bear Paw cream.
You also want a good color or combination of colors.
Blue: Chill out crakster gangster
Green: Get rich or die trying
Yellow: Mania
Red: Lust
Pink: Make money without working
White: Return to innocence.
Black: Stay away from me, I’m a spiritual ninja!
How to use a mala
Sit cross legged. Do it somewhere where people can see you.
You will have a first bead, a “guru” bead blessed by someone that took all your money to tell you something that wikipedia could have told you.
Start with that one.
Pick a mantra. “I will get a girlfriend by the end of this year” “I will stop buying punk records because I don’t like punk and I don’t have anymore friends to impress” “I will stop dating boys just because they show me affection” “I will stop investing money in printers, they aren’t the next big thing” or something else you want to change about yourself.
Say the mantra as you touch each bead. Screaming is the best way. Screaming desperately like this will actually bring some sort of mystical change or psychic rearrangement is the bester way.
Sit there catching your breath from screaming. Look around the room as you pant and make eye contact with people.
Pray and thank the universe for listening to your pitiful entreaties.