Meditation for November 17th, 2016
Yule Gift Guide For The Witch In Your Life
Yule is the winter solstice that the Christians moved Jesus’s birthday (Jesus is a Leo) to so that pagans might buy the whole Christian thing. Yule is also a very sacred holiday for witches. They get together and dance naked around fires and eat babies for eternal youth.
What do you buy a witch for Yule? Here is the Cracked Pot Meditation Fift Fuide For The Witch In Your Life:
A moonstone necklace
Nothing lets a witch know you don’t want to wake up with a hex and a toad instead of a wife, so buy a little love from the witch with a moonstone. Moonstones help witches get in touch with the moon cycle.
Candle
When a witch works on her envocation spells, she needs a candle to cast it. She can’t use any smelly cheap-o candle from that one aisle at the supermarket with the mops and laundry detergent, so splurge on something nice.
Smoke quartz
A smoke quartz is a quartz that a fucking ghost got stuck in. Witches live ghosts that are stuck inside of shit. Buy her that shit.
Bra crystals
Witches love two things: bras and crystals. Give her a crystal that hooks into her bra. Sweaty boob crystals are fucking sexy as shit!
Fluorite
Fluorite is another crystal that sucks up negative energy so that your favorite witch isn’t replacing the W with a B.
Rune stones
She’s not a witch unless she has a bag of stones with runes in them to throw around and let you know that you’re fucked – and then cackle.
Prayer beads
You though Buddhists and Catholics came up with prayer beads? You’re a fucking idiot. Pagans came up with everything first. Get your witch a prayer head necklace so that she has something to concentrate with when she’s mad at you.
Magical powders
Go down to the fucking witch store and pick up some magic powders so that your favorite witch has a way to make magic. All kinds of powders and so many witch stores. Witch stores are usually located in parts of the city that has been the most gentrified.
Obsidian candle
Witches love obsidian. It’s black and shows a reflection, so what is there to not like? What about pouring wax on it and turn it into a candle. Your witch will love you till you die of a weird disease mysteriously.
Tarot cloth
Witches read tarot cards and they have to put the cards on some magic cloth. Give her a cool one so she thinks of you every time she draws the death card.
Bird skull
Witches do t just like bird skulls, they need bird skulls to be cool witches instead of fake ass Hot Topic witches.
Bath salts
No, not the drug cocktail that make you eat faces, the actual smelly shit for the bath! All witches do is take baths and curse people by stealing their baby.
Smudge things
Sage is so boring when you can put a bunch of slow burning shit in a bunch to be burnt. Different weeds do different cleansing shit. Sometimes witches pretend they’re Native American.
Crystal ball
Duh.