Time, of course and cliché-y, is an illusion. Sometimes it falls by us like windows of a building that we just jumped off with the wind whistling in our ears, and sometimes time treats us as immortals: slow. When certain days repeat, we stop and think of ourselves.
New Year is no exception, and in fact, it is the primary reaction to this day. We think about where we had been and where we’d rather be going. We brag about our accomplishments while feeling like we haven’t done enough. We set goals while wishing we can spend the year doing nothing.
It’s the end of a year, end of a decade, end of the first score of the millennia, and the world is uncertain and staring at the void, but maybe that is the same feeling every second decade of the century feels.
2019 has been, without a doubt, the very best year of my life. I started the year beating cancer – again. I got to marry the best woman in the world and then go to Italy for our Honeymoon, which included Sicily, a dream location since finding out where my blood came from. My new wife, our dog, and I then moved out to The Dalles, Oregon into a haunted old farmhouse in a cherry orchard to start our new life.
Five years ago, I was recovering from major surgery to rid my body of cancer. I was in a relationship with another woman. I had moved back into my parents’ house so the recovery from my surgery would be easier. That relationship would end shortly, I would have to find a new place to live, and I would not have the job I had when I was initially diagnosed with cancer.
I was angry. I felt like I did a lot of work to just lose everything. Meaning became a silly concept. I found the world to be dark and chaotic. I tried to continue to be of service to others and not fall into self-pity, but I felt cheated. I don’t know who promised me anything in life, but I certainly felt like I had turned a lot of things around and had become a good person who was altruistic and selfless – most of the time. Instead, I was diseased, unlovable, and poor.
Now I’m still poor, but healthy and I feel loved. I have a home that feels like a home, a family. My family is now larger than it was before. I now have joined my wife’s family, who I love dearly, and we spent the holidays together. My wife now gets to be a part of my family, and they love her as their own.
It is hard to not think about all of that as we enter this new cycle. It is hard to not feel a strong sense of gratitude and love as I enter a new era. I am living a fantasy life that I had all but given up on five years ago.
I know that I must keep an attitude of gratitude, for all of this could be taken away, but instead of just fearing the worse, I must love the best. I love my family, my wife, and my dog. I love where I live and what my wife and I define family. We miscommunicate and fight, but we know that we have to work to continue to love each other.
Because of that, I have a lot of hope for the future; our future. I now know that meaning is the loved one puts in one’s actions, even if life is hard. I can only change me and my perception. I have been the victim to my own waiting for everyone and everything to be perfect before I can be happy, and if I stayed that way, I’d wait forever. Acts of love instead of thoughts of fear.
Everyone has pain. Some people make that their mask, but it is only an experience I have, and it doesn’t define me. I can help others with my pain, and I don’t have to let that dictate who I am. I’d rather be defined by my actions, which I hope is full of love, service, and creativity.
I hope that I can help others to find comfort and peace instead of just remind them of their intolerable and meaningless existence. A little of both is fine, for no one should always be happy, that is an unrealistic goal.