I think I can see the Eastern sky become grey instead of pitch black and the stars are fading away. The traffic on Lombard is starting to pick up again and I’m afraid that for the second night in a row I’ve been up for the sunrise.
I’ve spent the last two hours begging myself to fall asleep. I just got done punching my pillow in anger because at this point I might as well stay up for work. Might as well shoot out an emo blog before searching out coffee.
It is interesting how dead inside I feel. People have said some mean things to me the last few days and I didn’t even care. I just shrugged my shoulders and smiled at them. I don’t have it in me to defend myself and prove I’m something. I don’t have to.
The last nineteen years I’ve been to Europe, Africa, and Central America and all over our great nation. I’ve been in bands, have written publishable fiction and poetry, I have performed spoken word, taught poetry to juvenile offenders, painted and showed my art at a gallery, graduated college, dated and or fucked amazing women, worked jobs from dishwasher to accounts executive, went crazy twice, got a woman pregnant and didn’t keep it, read hundreds of books and continue to keep my sense of humor and my good looks. I have fought and I have walked away.
What I have never done is get married and raise kids. This is what others look at as esteem able acts. I don’t want to get married and I sure as shit don’t want kids. When you tell me about your kids I can feel my balls trying to break off my body and jump into traffic. Lots of assholes have kids. A lot of great people have kids too, but I am not one of those great people. Just because you have kids does not mean you are great.
I have a few goals that I try to achieve every day. One is to not drink alcohol or take drugs. That’s easy. Two, I try to learn one thing. I read, look words up and ask people questions and hopefully at the end of the day I learn at least one thing. The third thing I try to do is make one-person laugh. I don’t care if it is something dumb, but if one-person chuckles than I can go home a happy man. I also try to create at least one thing a day. I write, draw, and I play music. I mostly write these days, but if I write a little something or doodle something or I strum the guitar and come up with something then I have created something. I don’t need it to be published, put on a wall or recorded to feel some satisfaction in finishing something. Another goal I have is once a day I try to appreciate something I haven’t appreciated before. I try to always listen to new music, discover new artists or read about new authors or anything that is going to expand my mind.
This is all I want to do. I don’t need to procreate to feel any success in my life and I’m not going to talk any women to put up with me for the rest of our lives or just get a divorce when things aren’t going swimmingly. I don’t need you to be impressed with my wife or my kids or my house or my bank account or my car or anything. I’m going to be busy learning stuff. I’m going to be too busy to keep up with the Jonses.
I’m pretty stoked about myself now a days. I suffer a little depression now and then, I have trouble sleeping and I have trouble relating to anyone, but this is the closest I have ever been to being the real me. I never thought I’d feel that way, and I’m a little let down that there wasn’t more of a big deal made about this, but I have figured out who I mostly am and it isn’t married or staying up late with babies.
I stay up late with my thoughts.
I’m listening to Arvo Part and wondering if three hours is worth trying to go to sleep. I don’t want to fall asleep at six or seven and miss my alarm. I might have to stay up. I’m not sure.
I achieved every single one of my goals today, so now I can look forward to achieving my goals tomorrow.