I am 42.

“All right,” said Deep Thought. “The Answer to the Great Question…”
“Yes..!”
“Of Life, the Universe and Everything…” said Deep Thought.
“Yes…!”
“Is…” said Deep Thought, and paused.
“Yes…!”
“Is…”
“Yes…!!!…?”
“Forty-two,” said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.

-Douglas Adams

Today I turn 42. Which, if you didn’t know, is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. This is a very serious burden, and one that I will not take lightly. This means of course I know everything.

You can stop ignoring me when I interrupt you to let you know where you are wrong. You can stop getting upset with me every time I try to help you understand what you obviously don’t understand. I am now the Answer.

Before today I knew a lot. I mean, I knew a lot. More than you. Do me a favor: say a number. Any number you’d like. You can use fractions, decimals, and percentages if you want, but please say the number out loud. Roll it around a few times. Say it with different accents, and say it with all the confidence you can. Do you have a number?

Wrong. You said the wrong number. That should suffice as proof of my intellectual dominance.

I now have a mustache. It is a very handsome mustache, and I know this because people are stopping me in public places to tell me so. Some people are jealous of my mustache and will sometimes call me names; like Hipster.

I say, yes, I am a hipster, for when it comes to culture, cinema, music, fashion, and anything else that requires only opinions on, I am better than you. I am hip and you are not. This mustache is my flag flapping in the wind saying to weary travelers, “Halt! This is a hip man, and he will have opinions about your taste in things!” I am now 42, so now those opinions are right.

My fiancé is only 32. She is 10 years away from having any knowledge worth knowing. She is lucky because she is marrying me while I am 42 so she can have all the answers with caveat that she says, “Dave says…”

I have also decided to no longer waste my time on faith. This is a practice that takes too long to do in my busy life. I have dishwashers that wash dishes and the internet to watch pop culture so I don’t have to, I now have an Electric Monk going around having faith in things for me. I think last time I heard, it was having faith in certain rocks. Makes as much sense as anything.

42 is older than I have ever imagine myself being, even a year ago. I battled drug addiction and alcoholism, mental illness and suicidal ideation, and cancer twice. I actually officially still have cancer right now. In fact I am having a hard time writing this because of the chemo treatment I’m on.

Now if I eat, I get fat. If I eat badly, I shit horribly and sleep terribly. I sweat easily. I smell weird. I have hair in my ears and one hair on the tip of my nose.

I miss the old days, even if that particular olden day sucked. I am officially unsure what the fuck is going on with the kids these days – and some of those kids are older than me.

My friends are starting to not die from drugs, accidents, murder, and suicide, but from more natural causes like cancer and heart attacks. Some of my friends are grandparents.

I am getting married this next spring to a woman I believe to be the most amazing woman on earth (and a real pain in the ass). This has been one of the greatest gifts bestowed on me by the random chaotic universe. I believe not believing I’d be alive today is a great reason this gift is happening. Now I am really invested in staying more alive.

She is a stubborn, creative, smart, witty, musical, argumentative, beautiful, crazy, fashionable, well-spoken, righteous, and caring. She is a great mother to our son Rufus, and she puts up with me and my terrible mood swings, depression, resentments, and weirdness.

Together we are building a home.

A home is something I never thought I’d have. This isn’t a house, or a cool location that a bed is, this is a feeling of leaving the horrible world and coming to a place that is safe and nurturing. Where I am supportive while I am being supporting. This has taken me 42 years to be ready for this.

I have a lot of fears about getting married and starting a family (this doesn’t mean kids you sticklers for patriarchy). I get freaked out that I can’t do it. I get fearful that Nicole will wake up one day and decide that love isn’t the feeling anymore. I get afraid of death like I’ve never felt before.

Don’t Panic.

These two words are the two greatest words ever. Don’t Panic. Don’t ever panic.

It is said that despite its many glaring (and occasionally fatal) inaccuracies, the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy itself has outsold the Encyclopedia Galactica because it is slightly cheaper, and because it has the words ‘DON’T PANIC‘ in large, friendly letters on the cover.

-Douglas Adams

So I am going into my 43rd year with a wife, a dog, and a towel.