I Don’t Care About the Numbers in the Date

I hung out with a bunch of people that were in their late teens early 20s on Friday, and I felt old and lame. Every time I hang out with young people I remember the song by LCD Soundsystem, “Losing My Edge”.

I feel more connected to places than people.

This guy that knew me from a long time ago referred to me as “Scrappy Doo” to some people that only have known me for a few years. I remember loving the feeling of getting punched and laughing at my assailants. I took a lot of pride in not falling down, or if I did, getting up immediately. I don’t think I’d like that anymore.

I’m going to quit smoking again on January 1^st. While I like the idea of not being a slave to an addiction and feeling better, I’m scared of how I’ll feel and how much I’ll want to smoke. All the other times I have quit, I’ve wanted to smoke the entire time I had quit. I’m hoping that’ll change this time.

I saw the movie Hitchcock on Saturday. It was really good, but then again I am both a Hitchcock and a Hopkins fan.

I’m more comfortable with myself than I have ever felt. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but sometimes I miss being completely raw. The more comfortable I get with myself the more boring I feel.

I’m dating someone. Taking it slow. I kept almost texting, “I miss you right now”, but kept deleting the text. I still have no idea what I’m doing.

I’m still having a hard time sleeping. I did sleep from 4am to 1pm today, but then I overcompensated with coffee. I’m going to be up late having panic attacks, thinking too much and hatching brilliant ideas.

I had a nightmare the other night where I came to and wolves were eating my entrails as they spilled out of my torso. I remember feeling very cold and felt an aching pull come from my insides. The wolves were growling and snapping at me as I stared at them and couldn’t use my arms. I heard more wolves howling in the distance. I woke sitting up screaming at the top of my lungs and my blankets were across the room in my closet. I was covered in sweat and I felt panicked.

I want to write something funny, but I can’t.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Debussy.

I don’t care who you are, I don’t like to hug, and I don’t like being touched by people I don’t know very well. I hug people I have known for a long time or I’m intimate with. This also means I can’t do professional massages very easily. When I hug someone I don’t know very well, I get super stressed and feel cornered and my adrenaline fires. Flight or fight, people.

This morning, er, afternoon I woke up on the floor with my phone in my hand.

Played some Dungeons & Dragons tonight. I AM A DUNGEON MASTER!!!!

I am still playing with the idea of getting a car.

I am going to Johnny No Bueno’s book release party tomorrow at Slabtown. I love watching people create something and then share it. His book, We Were Warriors, is a great book of poetry dealing with many of the themes I blog about and go through. Sometimes its nice to know that someone else isn’t just better suddenly and just some mere simple prayers and writing will make you a gold star person. It’s okay and natural to suffer and struggle with life.

I’m still pretty much a hurry up and happen guy.

I saw the movie, Cowboys & Aliens last night. Fuck you, Spielberg.

I am going to add a fiction page on this here blog and start posting short stories and poetry. I’m going to need feedback, because I have the goal of self-publishing a book of short stories and poetry.

I’m still working on that novel, but it’s been a little less lately. I still get super critical of my own work and wish I could scratch everything and just get into video games.