Tornadoes are touching down, and we are on the top floor. The lightning and thunder are instantaneous. Fear is such a hard feeling to decide whether to give in to it or ignore. If the fear is true, we can die; if the fear is false, we can miss out on living.
Sometimes when I see a very disappointing headline come up in the notifications of my phone, I say, “Fuck it, I’m getting cigarettes.” I never do.
Sometimes I think that if I read the right book, I will finally know why things are the way they are. This never happens. Every answer creates two new questions.
My wife’s side of the family has such tight tethers to their ancestors. There are pictures and stories and maps of ancient cities housing long-ago relatives. I feel like the kite that isn’t in the air looking up at all the kites in the sky.
New Englanders who know where I’m from keep telling me that winter is coming. They get that smug smile on their face like I will not be able to handle it, but then I think of all the New Englanders who move to Oregon and can’t take two cloudy days in a row.
For someone who has a tough time with small talk, I take a lot of time trying to understand the weather and get from one point to another. I also can talk about sports.
Sometimes when we drive around New England, I think of my granny, who loved American colonial history. I see things that remind me of her everywhere, from the houses and farms to the furniture and dishware I see in the shops to the two inn signs we have hanging on our walls. Of all the people I can’t see anymore, I miss her the most.
I have many doctor appointments coming up. I sometimes want to say, “You know what? Let’s just have my health be a surprise.”
I have been grateful for who I’ve married every single day.
I’ve decided to redraw all my tarot cards. While I hate digital art, sorry to those who do it, I can’t see any other way to do the drawings digitally. Keep your eyes posted for those.
When I was young, I thought that as I got older, I would know more and more who I am, what I like, and what to do. This has been the furthest from the truth. I find myself completely confused. I have no idea what is going on or how to be.
One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made was believing that things would just be the way they are.
It has become clear that what a person does online is not who they are in real life. People know that I am not just over-contrasted pictures of trees and Rufus.
The French Dispatch is Wes Anderson’s best film to date. Especially every part Jeffery Wright is in. He is one of the most amazing actors I’ve ever seen, and he took a very slick, stylish movie and put a lot of feeling into it. This dialogue between Jeffery Wright’s Roebuck Wright and Steve Park’s Nescaffier characters:
ROEBUCK WRIGHT I admire your bravery, lieutenant.
NESCAFFIER I’m not brave. I just wasn’t in the mood to be a disappointment to everybody. I’m a foreigner, you know.
ROEBUCK WRIGHT This city is full of us, isn’t it? I’m one, myself.
NESCAFFIER Seeking something missing. Missing something left behind.
ROEBUCK WRIGHT Maybe, with good luck, we’ll find what eluded us in the places we once called home.
I felt this especially hard as someone who has difficulty finding home.
Soon everything will be different.
