I Forgot How I Was Still Alive

My last check up was last November. So from November to this week I got to a point where I almost forgot that I am sick. Tomorrow morning I’m going in to hear how my treatment from cancer is going.

A lot has happened since my last appointment. I am still working at the grocery store and even got a promotion. I get to help open a new location this next week. I feel apart of something important and big.

I am still dating an amazing woman. She is the guest blogger on my daily meditation. We still go on adventures and make each other laugh.

I am still writing a daily meditation. Just being accountable to writing everyday has helped my mental state tremendously. I don’t feel in a fog as much anymore. I was scared that I would be running out of topics, but luckily everyday a person reminds me how absurd human life is and I have a new topic. It is important that I keep going.

I’m back to playing softball. I love softball. I felt so good hitting and fielding and cheering my teammates on. This is my church.

I still have to deal with having cancer. I feel weird because it has been months since I was visibly sick. I am now healthy and mentally clear for the most part. The thing is I’m still recovering. I hate that I’m still dealing with it. I feel weird even bringing it up. People ask and I under exaggerate my feelings about it.

Tomorrow I’ll have to find out if things are going well. I am so anxious that a few times today I felt like I couldn’t get enough oxygen. I want to be done, but I get fearful that I’ll be sick again.

I don’t know if I can handle being sick again.

Life is fucking tough enough without cancer, but cancer just bogs you down to a point where it seems pointless. Why do all of this just to die a horrible slow death?

A few people that are dealing with cancer have talked to me about it recently. It feels good to have someone that I can relate to swap feelings about being eaten alive. There is something about cancer that makes people bond.

Normal people who haven’t had cancer just seem detached to the disease. Either they think all cancer is just curable and not a big deal or just can’t even. They mean well and compare their pet dying or the time they had a flu for seven days to chemo, but they are really just isolating the cancer survivor.

I hate the term cancer survivor. All I did was do what the doctor says and continue to do what the doctor says. Other people don’t survive because either they didn’t do what the doctor said or cancer just beat them.

I walked a few miles today just to clear my head and make my body tired so that I don’t run into staying up late fretting my appointment tomorrow. I saw all the houses with gardens. I saw the windows and the presentations of the inside of the house. I saw people jogging with lights strapped to their heads. I saw cyclists blasting 80s butt rock and singing loudly to it. The world is so bizarre when you see what people want the world to look like to them. This is just how things are now.

I just kept flashing to getting bad news. I kept thinking how I’d feel when I’m told that something is still there and won’t go away. I kept thinking how I’ll tell people that while they thought my ordeal is over I’m still sick and need to talk about it still.

I keep forgetting that a lot of what I feel is straight up depression. I take medication for it, but I still feel down. I sometimes even feel hopeless and alone. I feel so much that I swallow it down so that I can do my job and be a friend and boyfriend. I fight the urge to isolate and stay in bed when I’m not at work. I have to remember to keep my head up. I need to ask for help instead of thinking I can do this alone.

I still get fatigued easily. I get so tired sometimes that I want to close my eyes, but someone is talking to me so I can’t. I feel so tired sometimes I think that I’ll never get enough sleep. I wish that I had my insomnia problem again because all I think about after the sun goes down is whether or not I’ll get enough sleep.

I hope that I get good news tomorrow. I don’t think I can handle it if it isn’t.