A lot of my friends have been asking me what to give me for the holidays, so I thought I would post a list.
A Segway. I need one of these to get around. I don’t like going at unsafe speeds like in a car or a scooter and I think I’d look cool riding one of these bad boys.
An E cigarette. These will help me write longer blog posts because I can smoke inside. It’s only vapors! Plus, Stephen Dorff looks so cool walking down a beach smoking one, I would look better because I look like Stephen Dorff’s better looking younger brother.
A Red Panda. I don’t think I need to explain myself on this one.
A Barrett M82A1 50 cal. Sniper Rifle. I need this for home protection. It gives me the advantage of hitting a target up to a mile away, so my home can stay safe. These are dangerous times.
A Gift Certificate to the Olive Garden. Someday I may find myself faced with taking a girl on a date, and I’m going to need the guaranteed spot to take her. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t waste it on just any girl.
A Mermaid. I love mermaids and I would keep an aquarium in the backyard for her to swim around in. If you try to catch a wild one, remember they are only on the East Coast. It would be adorable to put Oliver with little flippers on into the aquarium and watch him swim around with a mermaid.
Curly Hair. If there was one part of me I could change, and I couldn’t just change everything, it would be my hair. I hate my straight hair and wish I could grow a ‘fro. I would be impervious to all harm because I had a ‘fro.
My Own Political Radio Show. I’m totally fine if it is on AM, but I think it’s time I get four hours a day to rant about the state of the nation and what I’d do. Wouldn’t you want to listen to me?
For the 20-somethings to like good music. Even though I’m older than Justin Bieber’s grandpa, I still hang out with people in their 20s and they don’t know what good music is. I miss the days when it seemed everyone was into good music and got pretty upset when the record companies tried to push mash potatoes through a bass amp on us. Hey, kids! Auto tune is for people who can’t stay in tune, and also, get off my lawn!
Christmas to be moved to June-ish. My birthday is in October and Christmas is just two months after that. I would prefer my presents to be spread more evenly through out the year. Maybe the Tuesday after Memorial Day could be the new Black Tuesday and the following Monday could be Cyber Monday or whatever, but Jesus was not born on December 25th and Santa Clause would get to enjoy better weather and the Southern Hemisphere would enjoy Christmas in winter for once. And my friend Jean can have her birthday to herself.
A Threesome with Me and Two Girls. I don’t think I have to explain myself on this one either.
A Professional Espresso Machine in My Kitchen. It’ll need to be hard plumbed, so I’ll need a plumber to come with this gift, but I miss drinking espresso all day when I worked at a coffee shop and would love to have one in my kitchen. I can make lattes and cappuccinos and mochas for my guests, so this is a gift that gives back.
A World Series Win for the Oakland Athletics. This would make me happy beyond belief and it has been long enough that I would express emotions that you didn’t know I had. Also, it would shut up those pesky SF Giant fans. Love you guys.
More Sweaters. For my poorer friends, I need a lot more sweaters. Sweaters are now my jam dot com.