Sacred Love

I am engaged to get married.

I was pretty sure that I would never be engaged. Not because no one would want to, or that I hate the institution of marriage, but just that it wouldn’t happen. There is this threshold that one walks through to be ready for that kind of commitment. It’s not that I am afraid of commitment or being faithful, but it is this invisible made up change to a relationship that is supposed to mean something that was supposed to be dead a long time ago. We did it anyway. We are in love.

I didn’t ask her to marry me, nor did she ask me. We talked about it. We decided that it was the right thing to do and that it was something the two of us wanted to do. I’ve always had the romantic notion that marriage is being legally obligated to your best friend and they to you, and she is that for me, someone that I want to intertwine my life with.

Love is a very confusing word. In some ways it is a very sacred word, a word not to be used lightly – like nuclear weapons. In other ways love is a word that is used loosely. The sacred word makes it an impossible mountain to climb, you will never feel like you are actually in that word because of all the examples of that sacred word out there in media, friends and families, and the wedding industry. The loose word makes love very easy and based on a feeling, that euphoria that a couple feels for those first few months, but then it lapses and love is no more. Love shouldn’t be work, says the loose word fans, but oh it is.

We decided to get married together because we have invested in each other. Not financially, but emotionally and physically. We have worked at developing a healthier relationship. We also see that this work isn’t over and we both agree that it is something we want to continue. We want to grow together. Love is growth. We fight and have issues when one of us, mostly me, isn’t willing to grow or change, but usually I think about her and I know that being right is losing someone wonderful.

We went to Europe together after spending a week together with her family. We were side by side 24/7 for three weeks. We had to navigate airports, language barriers, city maps and directions, choosing restaurants, getting to the place where we will have our days first cup of coffee which in Europe is a shot or two of espresso which isn’t close to the amount of caffeine that is in a 12oz cup of regular coffee, and having to agree on our schedule. We had some fights. We had some moments where we were cranky with each other. We always managed to get back on track, and that is a true test of a relationship.

She thought I was going to ask her in Europe. I don’t know what made her think that, I wasn’t planning on it. I got sick again and finances got tighter than expected, so I decided that now wasn’t the best time. I wanted the big event, the ring, the toast, the speech. This is what the sacred word of love meant. You can’t casually ask or discuss it, you had to drop to one knee in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower and proclaim your love. The ring also has to cost $50,000 or more – Venusean adamantium with dilithium crystals crusting the entire ring.

She was expecting me to every day, and I was oblivious, so some tension built. It came to a head when we were on our last night in Holland and she and I rented bikes and were cruising around the countryside, riding by farms, canals full of birds, and the Markermeer and we found a beach and I was grumpy. She and I started arguing about when to bring the bikes back and she came out with it that she was upset because she thought I was going to ask her. I was stunned.

I had wanted to, but things weren’t perfect, and I was upset that she had this imagined expectation on me and I was oblivious to it. We started riding our bikes back upset. Somehow my handlebars came loose from the frame and the bike went over and I fell off. She thought I was having a temper tantrum, which I do sometimes, but the bike was broken and it was miles away from where we rented it from. I tried to flag down some cyclists to see if anyone had any tools, but the few that did couldn’t get the nut to tighten.

So Nicole had to ride back to Amsterdam before the bike place closed and let them know what was up while I walked the unridable bike back. I walked through the Holland countryside over canals and through the wetlands and farms towards Amsterdam. Luckily I had things to think about and a beautiful place to walk through.

Finally Nicole got to the place and they sent someone out to get me and the broken bike. I was happy that I wasn’t going to have to walk into the night in a forign place to bring back the bike to it’s rightful place while Nicole just sat there in Amsterdam wondering where I was.

I was still upset and anxious about this whole marriage thing, and I wanted to smoke a cigarette. Luckily there were no stores along that road. None of the cyclists were smoking either. It was just me and the water fowl. I thought about Nicole and how I felt like I had let her down. I never want to let her down. I know that sometimes I do, and sometimes I have to, but I never want to. I want to be her rock. I never want to feel like she has to find solace somewhere else because of my actions. My pride was hurt because she and a lot of her friends and family were thinking that I was going to propose, and I didn’t, so I felt stupid. Now I felt weird to ask because it would seem like I was only doing it because it was brought up, and it wouldn’t be as special as it could be.

Love had become too sacred for me. There was this window and I didn’t go through it when I was supposed to. Then I reached into my experience and brought out a handful of fear. Because our relationship had hit a fork where I started down the wrong road while she waited at the start of the other road, it was going to end. I started to think I was again being too loose with my love and now I was paying for it.

We worked through it and was able to enjoy our last night in Amsterdam. We flew back to Portland and went to bed a little after 8pm. We awoke around five in the morning, and it was still dark out, and we talked about marriage. We decided to do it. We had decided to get married in our own bed the day after getting back from Europe. I didn’t ask her and she didn’t ask me, we just decided together. I think that is love.

The next day we got her grandma Nana’s ring sized and polished and we did a ceremony in front of Skidmore fountain where I got on my knee and put it on her finger with her sibling taking pictures.

I am engaged to a wonderful woman who is crazy about me. We know what we want from life and each other, and we want to watch it happen and be apart of it. We want to grow old together. We know that we will struggle and fight, and that life is cruel and unfair, but we have a chance because we know love is work and growth. We have just the right respect for love as a sacred word without unrealistic expectations.

Nicole, I love you.