Sleep

For the last four months I’ve been only able to get about one to four hours of sleep a night. I know that some of you who follow this blog know that this is a common theme in my life. It is something that I’ve always struggled with.

I’ve had times when I can sleep and sleep well. I even had nights where I sleep over ten hours. I remember last summer I went a couple of days where I got around sixteen hours. I had crazy wonderful dreams that made me want to sleep forever. I wish I could remember them.

Last night I got only one hour. My lack of sleep is getting so bad that I am starting to see things that aren’t there, hearing whispers and popping noises and I am cranky all day. I’m hyper sensitive to noises and sudden movements. I get bouts of paranoia. The other night I thought someone was tapping on my window. I got paranoid that it was an ex girlfriend, but when I went to investigate it was a large beetle climbing a large blade of grass that kept hitting the windowpane.

What do I do all night you ask? I read a lot, I write and I lay in bed wishing, praying, and begging for sleep to overcome me. Since my roommate is gone I spend all night writing and watching the MLB channel and watching game highlights over and over. I look at Facebook, and in the middle of the night not a lot is happening, but sometimes my friends in Europe are up and we chat. There are some free online classes that I have done and learned some philosophy and religion.

I’m sure some of you have some great ideas on how I can sleep. I’ve tried natural and pharmaceutical supplements, which have not worked all that well. I was on Ambien for a bit years ago, but that led to sleep walking and walking down streets in my boxers muttering to myself and calling people that I have no business calling at 3am. Sometimes I will run four to six miles and hope that the exercise will tire me out. I try not to drink caffeine after 3pm, but sometimes I have to socialize and if I’m not caffeinated, no one likes me, but even if I don’t have any caffeine for a few days I still suffer insomnia.

When I get tired I put my do not disturb feature on my phone, I stay away from the computer and TV, I make sure there are no lights on anywhere and I try to get comfortable. I do a method of prayer and meditation with an emphasis on my breathing. If my mind is too busy, I won’t be able to sleep.

I’m looking into doing acupuncture again because that seemed to help and a friend said he knew of some people that use spiritual or magical ways to help and I’m open to about anything even if I’m skeptical.

I sleep better when I don’t hear anything. I sleep better if my mind is off. I sleep better if someone else is there because a lot of my sleeplessness comes from my PTSD. It has to be someone I trust and know that they won’t let any harm come to me as I sleep.

If I am able to sleep, I wake easily. I have nightmares and night terrors. I have violent gory dreams that always include great torturous harm to myself by demons or monsters of some sort. Large shadows with human like forms haunt my dreams. Ghosts of those I used to know populate my nightmares. My dreams are vivid and seem real even minutes after waking up.

I’ve jumped out of bed screaming. I have wakened up on the other side of the room between my two bookshelves in a little ball. I’ve also been wakened by the smallest sound that I spend the rest of my time trying to locate with the will of a tweaker. I wake up feeling like I’m being watched.

I’ve awakened and still smell my burning flesh or the smell of my blood. Sometimes I wake up with a bloody nose.

After having a good day and I finally get home I sigh and stare at my bed and wish I could go somewhere instead of having to climb in and fight the sandman again. All my loneliness, guilt and irrational fears wake up late at night. All my anxiety and stress become heightened.

If I have to go to work the next day, I walk in a fog for hours and I have to drink a lot of coffee to get myself in a position to be customer friendly and not be dazed and airheaded. I have to double-check everything I do to make sure I don’t make any huge mistakes.

On days I don’t work, I try to stay as relaxed as possible in hopes that not exerting myself will make up for the lack of sleep. This morning I fed the dog, let him out and just laid on the couch and stared at the TV that wasn’t even on and stayed still and tried not to get too deep in thought to slow time down.

Now that I’ve written this I’ll turn off my computer and put the phone on do not disturb and stare at the ceiling for a few hours. I’ll do my prayer and meditation and get cozy and warm. If too many hours go by, I’ll listen to some classical music and try to hear all the different instruments. I’ll hear the birds begin the chirp and the world get grey, then blue and then it’ll be daytime and then I’ll drift off and suddenly one or two hours will have passed and I’ll be awake again.

Someday I’ll feel safe enough to sleep like a normal person.