I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, I have heard your cries for more blog posts. Actually, lately I’ve been made fun of a lot for this blog. Usually people’s criticism of my life doesn’t matter to me, but this is an intimate public exercise with me putting a lot of personal stuff on the Internet.
Speaking of blogs, my roommate and I just started a news site called the Center of Undeniably Nefarious Truths & Secrets. We have decided to stop watching people being uninformed, misinformed or being the point of misinformation. Pleas feel free to read some of our groundbreaking journalism articles.
Started dating someone. I dated her a long time ago, but where we were and our state of mind wasn’t conclusive to a healthy relationship. Now we have so much to give to each other and I look forward to seeing how this blossoms.
Saw the Hobbit on Tuesday.
The old adoption thing is coming up again in therapy. I still don’t buy that all of my problems are based on being adopted. I understand the identity stuff, the not feeling I belong anywhere and even sometimes having a hard time feeling like I exist at all, but the other things like relationships, friendships and my anger and my depression, my anxiety and my ability to forgive myself for some of the horrible things I did doesn’t make any sense. Does not being touched for the first two months really going to fuck someone like that?
One of the things that has been great lately is the amount of writing I’ve been doing. People that are inspirational have surrounded me. I’ve been just pouring words on the pages for my novel, working out some short stories and even been toying with poetry again – though I lost something there. I even have been toying with comedy.
I know that grammatically and my limited vocabulary makes my writing less than intelligent, but I just need to do it. I spent a long time not doing it because I was too busy being eye ball to eye ball with others, fucking around with majors I wasn’t happy with at school or just plain lazy or scared. Not anymore.
I had a dream the other night I was in a plane flying over snowy peaks and the plane was suffering extreme turbulence. There were only a few people on the plane. I guess we were flying over the Gissar mountain range in Uzbekistan. Don’t ask me how I know this, but I was flying to Turkey from Tajikistan. My dead Grandpa came out of the cockpit and told me he was too tired to fly anymore and that I’d best get up there and take over. He then grabbed a parachute and jumped out into the snowy peaks. I got into the cockpit and had no idea how to fly the thing. The whole airplane was shaking hard and a large mountain was looming right in front of me. I did what they do in the movies and yanked hard on the throttle. I woke up right before we crashed.
I lost my rain jacket. She was a great jacket. I lost a pack of cigarettes, a full tin of altoids, a small moleskin notebook and a pen. I’m a little sad, but my bad.
Instead of my knee buzzing because it’s going to rain, my knee is buzzing because I think a lot of things are going to change soon. I don’t know if it’ll be good or bad, but it’ll be different. I don’t know if you’re going to be effected.
Last night I got off the phone and was going to just head home, but I just walked around a little longer. For something the cold pierced me and it felt good. It almost felt like it was about to snow. I came up this street and saw all of SE Portland spread out. I could make out the lights going up Mt. Scott and Mt. Tabor. I remembered right then that I prefer night to day. I like the darkness and that people are all in their houses. I like walking around unnoticed. Last night, which was actually at four in the morning, I felt like a ghost.