The Sober Aquarius

In September 2014, I was diagnosed with stage three cancer, and by the time I was done with two major surgeries and four rounds of intense chemo, my brain was fried. I couldn’t concentrate and was full of fog if I tried. I was starting to work part-time and couldn’t do much before feeling a lot of fatigue. There was one point where they thought the cancer had gotten into my liver, and if that was the case, I didn’t have long for this world. The good news was that it hadn’t reached my liver, so I was just done and supposed to return to my old life.

In 2016, I decided I needed to get into a creative practice that would allow me to pull back the heavy drapes of fog that obscured my brain and do a humorous meditation every day for 365 days. I spent every day typing up a fake funny meditation in the form of the stereotypical meditation books published by Hasleden. I took my experience with self-help, recovery, and spirituality and created Cracked Pot Meditations.

Many of these posts were done at three o’clock in the morning after coming home from a truck stop diner that was the home of the meeting after the late night meeting, and I was lying on my back typing it up and positions without any editing. Some of the posts are just poorly written. I give myself a break because I was recovering from a traumatic medical experience that robbed me of my cognitive thinking and creativity.

The Sober Horoscope has become one of my most popular posts ever. I made them based on people having a sign for what zodiac season they got sober and how that would rule their sobriety and recovery. Again, it was haphazardly and rushed so that I could have done better work.

I am returning to the Sober Horoscope again, but with more editing and more information. Tomorrow is January 20th, the beginning of Sober Aquarius season; let’s see how the cupbearer fares keeping her cups empty. Total disclosure: this is my sober sign – and my moon sign.

Sober Aquarius

(January 20th – February 19th)

Experience

The Sober Aquarius will come in wet. They will be confused, bewildered, and twisted. Their drinking so messes them up that they have no idea what anyone is suggesting. They will keep coming back, but it’s because they have nowhere else to go. Once they decide to get sober, it will be out of stubbornness because someone made them believe they didn’t have a chance. If you want a Sober Aquarius to stay sober, tell them you bet against them.

Strength

Coming in during the darkest time of the year, the coldest, and most isolating because of weather, the Sober Aquarius, the cupbearer, will crawl into the door of AA just trying to find something different, not what AA has to offer or what anyone else has to offer, just something different. They seem not to be picking up the simple suggestions and keep on trying things in a slightly different, and usually more challenging, more complicated way. The Aquarius likes to learn from their mistakes, thank you very much.

Hope

The Aquarius will be the loudest, most obnoxious person at the meeting. They will say controversial things to get a rise out of people; they will try to make everyone laugh. If they can’t get you to love them, they will make you hate them. While the Sober Aquarius is bringing happiness and joy at some moments, they can often become tiring on the fellowship with their inappropriate jokes and overwhelming personalities.

Relationships

The Sober Aquarius is a lover but has difficulty empathizing with others, so they will hold a person at bay with jokes and/or being mean. They will give their partners a lot of freedom, so much freedom the partner will have a hard time thinking the Aquarius even likes them – especially since they won’t take their own time to themselves out of guilt. Don’t date a Sober Aquarius if you have a ‘go to the same meeting with your partner’ fantasy. They also will just watch you make huge mistakes unless you ask them for some guidance, and they wish they could have kept watching you slip into your error further since a Sober Aquarious is a messy bitch who lives for drama, they will help when asked.

Career

A Sober Aquarius will be unable to find a job that suits them. They will have a scroll rolling across the floor for a resume. They will go into a job doing their absolute best, get burnt out, ride the resentment while hating their job, and only an act of providence can get them out of it and into a new job. Then, they will get a job different from the last, and the cycle continues. Secretly, the Sober Aquarius hopes that someone will notice their geniuses and hire them for a huge creative job without climbing from the bottom to get there. Wishing to win the lottery without playing.

Aquarius Pitfall

The Aquarius can’t relapse. They want to so badly, but something doesn’t work anymore. They are compulsive, too, but the ambition needed to stick a needle in their arm or the bottle to their lips isn’t there. No, the Aquarius is stuck sober no matter what they want. This is God’s curse.