In September 2014, I was diagnosed with stage three cancer, and by the time I was done with two major surgeries and four rounds of intense chemo, my brain was fried. I couldn’t concentrate and was full of fog if I tried. I was starting to work part-time and couldn’t do much before feeling a lot of fatigue. There was one point where they thought the cancer had gotten into my liver, and if that was the case, I didn’t have long for this world. The good news was that it hadn’t gotten into my liver, so I was just done and now supposed to return to my old life.
In 2016 I decided I needed to get into a creative practice that would allow me to pull back the heavy drapes of fog that obscured my brain and do a humorous meditation every day for 365 days. I spent every day typing up a fake funny meditation in the form of the stereotypical meditation books published by Hasleden. I took my experience with self-help, recovery, and spirituality and created Cracked Pot Meditations.
Many of these posts were done at three o’clock in the morning after coming home from a truck stop diner that was the home of the meeting after the late night meeting, and I was lying on my back typing it up and positions without any editing. Some of the posts are just poorly written. I give myself a break because I was recovering from a traumatic medical experience that robbed me of my cognitive thinking and creativity.
The Sober Horoscope has become one of my most popular posts ever. I made them based on people having a sign for what zodiac season they got sober and how that would rule their sobriety and recovery. Again, it was haphazardly and rushed, so I could have done better work.
I am returning to the Sober Horoscope again but with more editing and more information. Since it is now December 22nd, we are now in the half goat half fish season, the Sober Capricorn season, and the Benjamin Button of the sober zodiac.
The Sober Capricorn
(December 22nd – January 20th)
Experience
The She-goat will come out of the ocean onto the dry land of AA, beaten by one of the sea’s worst storms. The Sober Capricorn will always think they should have arrived years prior and will immediately emulate the old-timers in the room. They will speak on day one about the steps as if they have worked them several times over, and they will already absorb the wisdom in the room.
These insane people have hit their bottom days before or after Christmas and New Year’s. While they will hate the feeling, they will fill the Christmas parties and New Year festivities with the joy of finding sobriety, or after the New Year, they will discuss at length how they are now sober and in a gym or learning MMA fighting. As they learn how to stay sober, you will never hear the end of anything the Sober Capricorn gets into.
Strength
The Sober Capricorn will be overwhelming as they work all 12 steps in record time. Still, they also will try skydiving, scuba, learning Mandarin, going big game hunting in Africa, wearing a utility kilt and participating in a Highland game, or attending community college for five years – and you will hear all about it from them. They will feel like they have to make up for all the lost time when they were drinking.
None of these events will be spontaneous; their next few years will be in a planner down to the day. You will only see them at your party if it is on the calendar. Even if they have not organized, doing a spontaneous activity will be too daunting.
Hope
Luckily, the more time the Sober Capricorn gets, the less mature they become. They are the Benjamin Buttons of sobriety. While other people are becoming wiser and more mature, the Sober Capricorn is making more mistakes and is more childish. They will laugh when you remind them how uptight they were in their first decade of sobriety.
Relationship
Like their whole life, the Sober Capricorn has their sober relationship planned out. They will know who they want to date and the best time to go after what they want. They have the first fifteen dates down in a calendar under their pillow with a lock of the person’s hair. They will have a dossier on the love target and win their hearts by anticipating their every need and whim. The partner of a Sober Capricorn will be sitting there ten years later, wondering what happened.
Career
The Sober Capricorn will excel in the accumulation of wealth. These are the natural-born salespeople of the sober horoscope. They will always be thinking about making a buck. Lots of Sober Capricorns find themselves in realty, finance, and sales. They will also make the career high on their priority list. They will make it a part of their “spiritual” journey.
Capricorn Pitfall
Something will embarrass the Sober Capricorn, like being late to an event they planned, so you will never see them again.