When I was 16 years old, I almost shot up a school. I didn’t. Did someone say something to me to change my mind? Did gun laws keep me from being equipped? Did the law enforcement community catch wind of my plans? What saved people’s lives that fall of ’93? Heroin. I shot up heroin and fell asleep.
This isn’t a story that will make you know what the right thing to do. This won’t be A led to B and all was peaceful. This is a story that just happens over and over again, and unless you can make fundamental change to our culture, will just keep happening.
I was a little kid. I was short. I was young looking. I was in the showers in gym with hairless balls while the rest of the guys were sprouting forests to match their mustaches. They had defined muscles. They had angles. I was smooth and soft and hairless.
And boy did they notice.
It wasn’t like the bullying started in high school. I was always a tad too weird. I played violin. I didn’t like what other kids liked. They’d know if I pretended.
But high school was when I was supposed to learn to be a man.
A man must fight, scratch, fuck (only women), yell, muscle his way to the top of the pecking order. There is a hierarchy in manhood. I couldn’t seem to get up from the very bottom. If I even hope to glance at the light at the top deserved me getting punched.
The first day at Wilson High School, some seniors who knew me used me for a football game – as the football. I ran for it when they had to punt. It wasn’t my first bloody nose, and it wouldn’t be my last.
A man must be able to have sex with hot women. It would be weird if he didn’t. He would be questioned. A man’s whole existence is to have women have sex with him, or at least want to. Women owe that to men. If women don’t want to have sex with you, you are nothing.
Women confused me. I even considered that I might be gay. My parents and teachers thought it.
One day this very pretty girl asked me to meet her at the convenient store that the kids in my neighborhood hung out at. I was so excited. She was pretty and popular. It seemed weird that she wanted to meet me.
I was to meet this beautiful young lady after school and I got there prompt. And then I waited. And waited. And then waited some more.
(No cell phones in those days and I didn’t have a quarter for the pay phone – didn’t have her number anyway.)
The next day a group of kids, including the girl, started laughing at me. They made fun of me because I had tucked in my shirt and took my hat off.
The point is how dare I think I could even fathom hanging out with a girl like that.
I was a human shit stain.
I left sports and other extra-curricular activities for drugs. Who fucking cares if you’re high, right? Just me and my dreams.
I would wake up sober and just dread seeing anyone else. My dad would tell me it’s time to go to school. My parents, who loved me with all their heart, would drive me to school. I would walk right through the school, out the back, and on a bus downtown.
I gave up on the idea of becoming normal. I would never get to be married, raise kids, now my own lawn, make pancakes, argue mundane politics with Ron & Nance the neighbors. No sir, I would be a junky. I hoped to die by 18.
The thing about society is that it forces all of his citizens to participate, even if they don’t want to or can’t. Society kept picking me up and wiping me off and shoving me back into its bowels. I would be in school again. I would be told to not do drugs. I was told to be like everyone else.
My parents were beside themselves. They gave me everything I needed and even gave me some things I wanted. They were at their jumping off point with me. I had done therapy and treatment centers, but I kept self destructing.
One of their last ideas was to enroll me in a suburb school. They had no idea that a high school kid is a high school kid. These kids were worse because they had money to add to the hierarchy.
First day of school I watched a kid drive a Lamborghini to the front door, get out of the wing doors, and his father get out and get into the driver’s seat and roar off. I saw a kid with blonde hair so perfect and he had a sweater tied around his neck – like a bad guy in a John Cusack film.
I stepped into the front door and was immediately jumped by some seniors. I was supposed to be a junior, but none of these kids recognized me and due to my young look, they thought I was a freshman. And I just stepped on the high school seal. Tradition dictates that freshmen must pay with blood for stepping on the seal.
Another bloody nose, but I gave them a run for their money.
No one seemed to like me. The reality at this school was so much worse than anywhere else I had gone. I was pushed, shoved, slapped, and punched.
I was at my locker, which was in the middle of a bunch of cheerleaders, which you might think would be great, but it was horrifying. A guy, who had the same last name as me, brought both of his hands as hard as he could against my ears. It hurt so bad that I fell to my knees and then made the worse mistake of my life; I cried.
A man is stoic. A man doesn’t express a feeling. A feeling is something a woman does to annoy men. You are a hardened piece of meat who is an ancestor of hunters and conquerors. Show no mercy, no quarter, no tears.
When I was a kid, I liked poetry and classical music. I listened to Mahler’s 10th symphony when I was 12 years old and wept. I loved art, literature, politics, and music. I didn’t like popular culture. I couldn’t relate to my peers. I would try to pretend so that I could fit in, but kids can smell a fraud immediately.
I also would cry myself to sleep every night. I used to play R.E.M.’s Automatic For The People over and over and cry because the idea that I would have wake up and face this fucking world again was too much.
One time I was in the cafeteria when I was a freshman, and I had drunk some vodka with some bums downtown and then I had drank some cough syrup and I pissed myself. Everyone noticed.
15 years later a guy asked me if that was me. That’s all he remembered.
Not everyone was mean to me. There was these black guys that thought I was funny. I think they felt sorry for me. We would drive around in a Ford Explorer that didn’t have a windshield and smoke crack.
These guys were thugs. Thugs with a heart of gold, but thugs. The owner of the Explorer, who was a little older than us, had an assault rifle tucked into the back seat. They had said he had used it.
I asked him if I could borrow it. I was going to the rich suburb school at that time and I wanted to show those rich fuckers that they had fucked with the wrong guy.
I had dreams about it. I would walk into the cafeteria and open fire. I could picture the carnage. I’m not going to lie, my heart rate went up when I pictured those guys falling to their deaths.
I slept with the gun under my mattress the next day, but I had shot up that night. I went to school and was standing their smoking a cigarette and still out of it. I watched all the kids getting dropped off. I was too high and forgot my gun.
I had to give back the machine gun the next night.
I ended up going into treatment the next week and getting sober and finding a way of life where I never ever want to be that angry and malicious again.
I look back at that time in my life every time there is a school shooting. Of course I would! I was every one of those guys. The only thing that saved me was drugs. I got so high that I forgot to do it.
I can only imagine what it would be like now to be in high school with social media, fads that change faster than the speed of light, online bullying, memes, and the whole world burning into ash from the convenience of your phone.
The pictures and posts on social media that prove to kids like me that I don’t have enough, am not enough to exist. I can see everything I don’t have, relationships I’m not in, places I’ll never see, lives I can never love shove right in my face. And I thought MTV was bad.
And of course everyone is blaming someone or something why this keeps happening. Guns, mental illness, politics.
As an almost shooter I can tell you why. It’s the whole fucking thing. It’s Toxic Masculinity. It is what it takes to be a man in your eyes, your social media version of being a man, your politician explaining what a man is, and what media in general portrays as manhood.
Society in general is to blame. This Puritan American close minded idea of manliness and his relationship to sex, power, and emotions. The society that we created and keep creating is so restricting and stifling. It’s this black & white, masculine & feminine, and yin & yang bullshit that makes everything this impossible category to fit in.
It’s all fucking made up.
Offer the round holes for the round pegs. There are squares out there and you can keep that. You can have that yin & yang life. Just be okay with the gray. Just be okay with spectrums.
Just be okay with crying boys, violent girls, and thems that can’t be and shouldn’t be dignified by a black or white label. Be okay with not wanting what you want. Marriage and buying houses and Frappuccinos and going to Costco.
I won’t tell you if more gun control will help or if expanding mental health funding will change anything, but I can tell you that this, what we are doing right now, has never ever worked. It only works for very few and alienates the masses.
As a kid who almost shot up a school, give up on your precious Great America. Either change fucking everything or keep all the weird boys on heroin.
Dave I think this is the best blog I’ve ever read of yours!!! Deep from the heart and too the point, didn’t go as deep as you but relate to how the world felt in High School and we are several generations apart, sounds like it only got worse after I was there. Can I share this or do you only want it in your blog? Anonymously of coarse
Share away.
David, I am an Editor for The Good Men Project, and would love for you to submit this to us to republish. This is one of the most honest pieces I’ve seen about where we are going wrong as society. Could you please email me and let me know if we can share this with our readers? Mad respect for you for writing such a raw piece.
Agreed! I am a high school English teacher (in Canada) and plan to read it to my students as part of our essay unit. Thank-you for sharing. It is the closest thing to the truth that I have read about this issue. I am sorry for your pain. I wish I could give you a hug!
This sums it up perfectly for me. I was in Jr high when Columbine happened and I remember getting mad at those kids for ruining my plans when my high school implemented stricter security measures the next year.
I relate 100% to what you are saying about societies standards on the male ideal. I hate that I’m supposed to live up to some of them so much that I don’t want to be considered a man. Not that I want to be a woman or anything, I just don’t agree with the current definition. Male shovenistic ideals have been running the world since the beginning of mankind, and in order to help change the world’s perception of the ideal man I choose to continue to be who I am today. I hope to one day be a positive role model for kids who think like you and I did, but unfortunately I’m not seeing much change even among my circle of friends and family.
The big difference I see today is social media puts this and other issues right in our face all the time as opposed to only some of the time when we were growing up without instant access to everything. This is why the numbers for violent mass shootings are increasing. I’m sure there are 1000’s of stories similar to yours out their. One thing you might not be considering is the conscience part. Until you find yourself in that cafeteria with the gun you will never know what you would have done. Maybe you remember to bring the gun but have a change of heart before you get to school, maybe the gun jams and you don’t kill anyone, maybe someone sees you acting weirder than normal and talks to you and you decide that not everyone deserves to die. You say it was heroin that prevented you from doung this, I feel like you were crying out for help and your higher power intervened.
Just my 2 cents on your story. Thank you for sharing. I hope all is well in your life.
Damn Brother, this is seriously the best thing I have ever freaking read! I love and appreciate you writing and sharing this!!!
Jackson Katz “Tough Guise” was the first time I was ever confronted with how is 90’s high schoolers grew up and the shit we still carry with us!
No shit. Frankly I’m surprised more schools aren’t shot up. I’m my opinion that’s why we gotta make guns hard to get: teenagers–even ones with low self esteem–have too much hubris and no real perspective. In HS there are inevitably kids who are sociopathic assholes to other kids and frankly they’d kinda deserve getting shot by a kid they bully….at least at the high school level. I never really could wrap my head around Sandy Hook though. I mean, I think I had some empathy for Kip Kinkel but none for Adam Lanza.
Even if you have a good reason,
in your mind to kill a particular person, in school shootings the other people are the ones who get hurt and damaged. There is no sympathy for this action or the murders who commit them.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your insights are right on. I have a 12 year old son, so I get to see many different paths parents find for their children. I feel like there is much more discussion about anxiety and depression and accommodating kids’ individual needs than when we were in highschool. Now many kids choose online schooling. If that had been available, do you think that would have protected you or made you feel more isolated? Thank you for giving so much insight into your emotions in highschool.
You have an amazing heart, thank you, drugs do save lives! I live in New Zealand its the same shit here too, has been for forever. I sometimes struggle to ignore the bullshit to know it as bullshit, like drugs it can be seductive (for me). Thank you for getting high and forgetting
I am also from Nz and agree. Drugs are actually a major problem facing our people and many kids especially popular get right into it. Same bullshit with bullying, masculinity and domestic violence. Though because you cannot get guns and gum laws I think save us from a similar fate though our youth suicide is ridiculously high for such a small nation.
I am sorry your high school experience was so brutal, and I’m sad that my paltry words can’t undue any of it. I have been on the board of a non profit after school art program for 17 years. Our intention is to provide a safe welcoming space for young creative individuals who do not find school safe, nurturing or welcoming. Reading your story makes me believe how important this is.
Thanks for your insight. I believe the issue in America is a lack of respect for all life. I read it in your story with your perpetrators and I read it in you with your drug use and other unhealthy choices. Everyone is valued and until we turn that into daily actions nothing will change. A country who has killed 50+ million unborn defenseless babies wonders how this sort of thing can happen.
VALUE LIFE.
Wholeheartedly agree as you’ll see from my recent blog – http://philippaross.com/pledgeforpeace/
Joe W
You are so right about abortion Devaluing human life
Why does it always boil down to abortion / religious issue with some folks?
Dave I am sorry that you had know one I hope you are better now. I have learn not to live in the past. Look in the future. I lived a fairy tale dream as being a girl but the fairy tales are only in books they aren’t real. It took me along time to believe my dreams were never going to be. Be happy God loves us,let go of the past, I am still waiting for my Prince charming. Frogs jump forward never backwards.
I would like to reuse your article and peg you as a guest columnist as I’m doing a series on gun control and the problems in today’s society. Is that OK?
Wow, just wow. As a mother of young children, I thank you for your insight. Best thing I’ve read in a long time.
Yes, yes, I completely understand your story. High school was and likely still is brutal for self esteem, self worth. I was tall, not thin, not rich, didn’t have the “right” friends. My brother who had the “right” friends allowed his friends to call me scum dog when passing by in the hall. Written on my books, my locker etc. Hey scum dog how’s things…and laugh…..I am 56 years old and it still hurts. Drinking, smoking, skip school were the norm. Hanging out with Arab men who treated women fairly bad was my joy. I never wanted to kill these horrible people but the thought crossed my mind. As an adult I see how wrong this is and I am glad Facebook didn’t exist. ….would have been worse. Whatever group you were in or others placed you in was the way it was, that never changes. Perhaps karma will get them but I doubt it. I think it’s the same or worse now. How do you change people, the ugliness of hate….I refuse to hate, that keeps me going. Watching these young folks now gives me hope. We all need hope.
Thank you
Thank you and wow. I am moved greatly by this. I will re-post it. Also, please consider me a friend if ever you want one more.
So glad you both made it through the trial by masculine toxicit. …and that your heart felt retelling will teach today’s teens, parents, teachers and even a legislator or two!
A can’t-make-this-shit-up read for our can’t-make-this-shit-up times. Thanks for having the courage to put this truth out there.
Thank you, Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for saying what so many of us couldn’t put into words, that will hopefully help people to stop turning a blind eye, and thank you for not becoming another statistic.
I love this story. This is a must-read if you care about American Society.
I just read a study about how male babies, and males in general, are much more sensitive by nature, than girls.
Deductively, this means our f-ed society has decided men should be macho to compensate. Bullshit.
Don’t ever ever tell your boys not to cry. Boys cry. They need to. They need a soft place so that they can understand and embrace sensitivity instead of stuffing emotions in a dark hole. It’ll rebalance our whole world.
Teach your kids to appreciate diversity. And that skin-deep beauty is actually really ugly.
Make change or live with the consequences.
This is amazing! Thank you for your honesty! I work in one of the biggest Middle Schools in MN and I see all types of kiddos! Thank you again for sharing your story!
And thank you for not sugar coating anything
Kim J.
My gut and heart ache for you. Mine wasn’t quite that bad-I wasn’t physically bullied but was made fun of and knew I didn’t measure up to the rich, popular kids. I imagined and fantasized about beating the crap out of several of my so called peers. Thank you so much for sharing your story and letting us feel your pain. Hopefully this will give some insight to so many parents and educators out there who are clueless. Much respect to you, sir.
I wish you could have gone to the school my children go to. I moved them out of a school like you described and am sending them to a small arts oriented private school. I know most people can’t afford private schools – I know I’m lucky. Everyone, regardless of their income, should be able to send their kids to a school where bullying isn’t tolerated and differences are celebrated. Every child deserves to feel valued, safe and accepted.
Thank you for your bravery in telling your story. Perhaps you can take your message and pain and turn it into action for good. If I’m lucky, my goofy, nerdy, bird loving, violin playing son may never have to face the cruelty you endured.
Thank you, beyond words. This is precisely what we ALL need to read, understand, and take action to change. I applaud your courage.
Wow is all I have to say. Just, Wow. The fact that somebody would come to the conclusion, even in their darkest moment, that it makes good sense to kill, say seventeen people in cold blood at their former school and that it’s justified by the fact that they didn’t mature at the same rate and guys noticed in the shower, or that they were harassed for stepping on the school seal or or or, is….well…..sobering. If that’s the case, then we, in my view, have very little hope. The unfortunate news is people will continue to mature at different rates and people will continue to make fun of others. We’ve never done anything different since the beginning of time. If our response is now, “well, you have to understand what the shooter’s been through,” we have very little hope for stopping future shooters because we really don’t understand human nature.
Taking law abiding citizens guns away isn’t the answer either. They will find a way even if guns aren’t available. I do feel for the shooters because this is becoming an epidemic. We need to look at what’s causing this and work from there not villianize them and move on.
All guns aren’t being taken away. Gun control that is put forth that would actually work is to make guns harder to get thru full regulation as to background checks that would deny offenders with a criminal history of abuse with or without a gun as well as any crime involving a weapon. Also mental health checks. These regulations should go along with 21yo like alcohol and rechecks like drivers licenses. Also no one other than the military needs to have any weapon that had the capability of semi or fully automatic weapons. And both guns used in the shooting have that capability. You can actually buy the 30round clips online with no regulation. That is the kind of gun control and reform we need and the only guns that need to be taken are the semi or fully automatic ones.
Thank you for writing this.
Powerful stuff. Thank you for sharing, dude. I barely scraped by in high school. I was lucky enough to be just BARELY cool enough to hardly be bullied, but not nearly cool enough to be popular… but I saw the kids who weren’t so lucky… and I felt for them.
Thank you so much for writing this! Such bravery to put you self out here like this! Some would say, your terrible experiences are what helped you to become so strong and confident. I say, you have obviously always been a strong person, in order to deal with what you had to endure! The weak people were the ones who felt the need to torment you in order to feel “strong”! Some of the guys who treated you so horribly were very likely crying themselves to sleep every night also, filled with insecurity, and plotting violent and disrespectful actions to make them feel more “manly”… Our entire world exists in very sad “society standards”! Unfortunately, our world is filled with weak sheeple, instead of strong compassionate people.
Men are, by nature, generally more sensitive than women. I am raising a boy and a girl and I see this truth on a daily basis. I grew up as a “Tom boy” with many good guy friends. I have a wonderful Dad and an amazing Brother! I was engaged multiple times and married at 28. It wasn’t until I was blessed with my son that my eyes began to open to the truth. It took me over 30 years to realize that men actually do feel complex emotions other than: anger, contentment, and possibly happiness. In general, those are the ONLY accepted emotions for men in most societies in the world. It needs to become acceptable for men to freely express emotions!
ALL people need to be accepted, respected, and appreciated for their differences. There should be no racism! There are not multiple “races”, we are all Human! There should be no “gender rolls”, we are all Human! Our world desparately needs acceptance, compassion and love!
Thank you again for this article! Much Love to you!
I am a mother of a 12-year-old boy. He is different. Many of the things I worry about on his behalf are in your paragraphs above. What you stated, I have not been able to put into words. Thank you for your honesty and for aptly describing what so many of us know but haven’t been able to explain…to our kids and to ourselves.
An amazing story, however I worry about a copy cat reading this and using this as a defense…
Wow!
I totally sympathize with you. I also had to go through that toxic masculinity stuff too. Even though it’s been 10 years since graduation I still greatly effects me when I try to get close to people. All three of my brothers had sex with many people. Two of them had sex with over 15 wemon and they would tell me how weird I was for not being like them. Turns out I like guys but being beaten for several hours by conservative parents as a toddler can make you forget that. As far as school goes, I’d been going to school with the same people from 2nd-12th grade and from the start they all bullied me. Fed me food that had rocks in it, stuff like that. I would go home after that and had no support. I would be blamed for other people’s actions towards me, then I would be beaten. I was beaten from childhood to adulthood. During elementry I went to school with bruises all over my body. I had memory problems where I forgot years at a time. The teachers did nothing or encouraged the bullying at school. What stopped me from trying to kill a bunch of people with a knife when I was 16 was finally finding that one person that liked me. I had already given up. I was planning all summer, I knew where my parents hid their pistol and I was going to kill them with it, then take the 14 in knife in the kitchen to school. After killing as many people I could get my hands on I was hoping for suicide by cop. But I found a good friend I could confide in so I didn’t do any of that. My parents still abused me and refused to get me any kind of medical or psychology check up. But I survived that time. I’m living a life with that same person; i’m constantly reminded of my trama, but life finds a way.
Good God, Mr. Laird, I cannot even fathom this. I wonder why your parents are not incarcerated, or worse, but realize that is a futile question. You are clearly a survivor and I pray life remains meaningful and fulfilling for you, with gratitude to your supportive ‘person’. I just hate that some of us are so outrageously blessed while others suffer so brutally and unfairly. I hate it, hate it, HATE IT.
Only in Government school and prison are people forced to share space, and if they aren’t compatible, told to “just get along.” You don’t deal with bullying in a workplace, before someone is moved, fired, or quits. You aren’t compelled to be there. Society doesn’t force social situations like that as an adult like it does in high school.
I believe that the centralized education system we have now is more that a little to blame. You don’t have to stay in a private school where that happens, so it’s in the best interest for the school to control conflicts and deal with issues or they get bad press. And the homeschool crowd simply lacks the social hierarchies both because they’re in proximity with their parents and because if there’s a personality conflict, they have no compulsion to remain in contact. Also, direct interactions make mob mentality (part of what you described) nearly impossible.
I am terribly sad for your experiences and by your story, your apparent lack of friends. I sincerely hope your lifestyle has improved significantly, and all of your pain can be used to help others.
I’m so sorry. So courageous of you to share this. Thank you.
Raw. Heartbreaking. Mad truth. Thank you for sharing. We do need to be more accepting, more open, and this starts in your home. Please keep sharing and keep the conversation going.
Wow, powerful, David. Thanks. I felt a lot of this in school.
So powerful. Thank you.
That was a very powerful piece. Thank you so much for sharing this with the world!
Thank you for sharing ….. and I know your experience is not unique, which makes it even more tragic. My own son dropped out of high school after 1 year and homeschooled. Went on and graduated from college with honors. I believe we need school reform — many more options or kids. Our current schools are a horrible place for a teenager to be in so many ways. There must be a better way.
Thank you so much, this is excellent and really helpful. I like what you said about toxic masculinity . I used to co-teach a domestic violence program where we worked hard on that issue. Men feel they need to be in charge, and for other men to see that. No crying or violin playing. And these expectations -and bullying if a boy or man doesn’t toe the line- are devastating to someone just wanting to be himself.
I play the fiddle and it gives me a lot of happiness. I hope you still play or pick it up again and play a beautiful piece of music.
Thank you.
I’ve been there. Probably why I have problem expressing my emotions still. Luckily for me,I had my teenage hormonal growth spurt and I grew more than several inches and about 40 pounds. Then I could stuff those bastards into a wall. Bruce Banner became the Incredible Hulk.
I hate bullies and all those popular kids who look like shit now.
It brings me endless glee.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have shared your powerful message, and agree that we all need so badly for toxic masculinity to be addressed to the deepest level in our culture.
Thank you for sharing your story, it was moving and from the heart. You are a brave and amazing person. Thank you
Thank you for sharing all that. I have one question…Only drugs saved you? It seems to me that the person/s who cared enough to send you to rehab did that.
Thank you for being a heroine.
The toxic jocks have to be trained to recognize that the weirdos and wimps are part of the team too, and have a purpose, and are part of the tribe, and have to be defended as part of the tribe. Because that’s how successful human tribes / towns/ cities work – division of skill. Be masculine and tough with the other toughies all you like, but those quiet ones are going to do useful stuff that lets you get on with being you. A simple concept, maybe a life-changing one.
Dave! Holy shit! Reading this makes me think of reading stories when I was in high school of kids in similar situations, but what I read was fiction. Sure, I got made fun of a lot (majority in middle school) and I hated/still hate the people who made me feel so small and so terrible about myself with a firey passion, but nothing compares to this. It’s hard for me to try to envision you this way from knowing you now, but I’m glad the events you wanted to unfold that day didn’t work out. My former junkie self would have been satisfied knowing that heroin was the cause of something good 👍
I read your essay and can’t help wonder if this is Wilson in Portland in the 80s. The hazing. The prison-like set up that somehow brought out the worst in teens while leaving them unattended long enough to do real harm. Like brawling at football games with pipes. Or pushing other kids to suicide. Thanks for sharing. Best and most honest article I’ve read on the topic.
Thank you so much for sharing. I graduated in 1990 from High School when the movie “Heathers” was popular about blowing up the school and shooting up the popular, 2 faced crowd. I began to self destruct. Yes, masculinity has been twisted to mean that to be a “man” is to consume sex and women and beer with the same value and amount of intention. none. However, the idea of being feminine or a “woman” is also just as fucked up. As soon as my jeans looked a certain way, I felt like I had a target on my back side and it was supposed to be a badge of honor when a popular or good looking guy wanted to hook up with you and then throw you away with the beer can.
I was so lonely during that time – drank like a fish and purposely chose the dark side in many ways. Honestly, God must’ve been following me, because I’m alive today, with a husband and 2 kids and we are centered on the existence of love and of faith that has NOTHING to do with how things function here.
I think we need to speak self-love to ourselves, even now. Complete love. Then talk to our kids and ask awesome questions about how they view themselves and the confusing, bipolar messages the world will give us. How can we be kind in the midst of this chaos?
Anyway, thank you again for sharing. Let’s show up with authenticity and change our culture!
Loved reading this…i am a female from liverpool England..i have 2 daughters it is all about material things if you have the best “stuff” if you fit in with the populars ..etc etc we dont have the problem with guns like you guys however we do have a problem with bullying and people taking their own lives because of it.
We should celebrate being different i tell me girls don’t be sheep…but what do i know..maybe i should Instagram them or snap them or whatever you do theses days …maybe i could get a kardashiam to do a piece of work about it (ha)
I try to educate my girls about being unique about being yourselves but when we are surrounded by mini kardashiam (especially in liverpool) false boobs false lips false hair.. no personality …its hard.
I am jusy very sad that the world missed out on you being you
X
May we talk not on here?
This is a phenomenal blog. Thank you for being the voice for those lost souls. My dad was vice principal of my high school. My siblings and I paid the price. Teachers held us to a certain standard and classmates were unbearably cruel at times. You are right; it is an imbalance of power and the sick societal rituals and so called “rites of passage” in this country have to be replaced. America needs a multi faceted approach. I am so sorry that you silently endured what you did.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing! I’m so glad that you are not only alive, but not in prison, and can share your story. It is immensely important and relevant!
Wow. Amazing read. Very personal thanks for sharing hopefully others learn to express themselves more so society could see thier is more to this than just guns.
I never used drugs but prison kept me from becoming a school shooter. And totally understand you since #MeTo had a rough childhood and crazy thoughts do go through many of todays kids.
My entire juvenile life and most of my adult life i spent behind bars because i couldn’t fit in.. I found a home away from home behind those bars. A way to fit in and become part of something more.
I only made it to 6th grade but today i own 3 small companies doing good for me and family.. Was only released in 2004 – 1994. & 1993 – 1982 my sentence terms.
I am certain that with all the publicity many more kids are gearing up to follow suit. Since today everything is a social media challenge!
#expressyourself #AYOR #STRAIGHTALK #RealShit
Wow! This was really the most interesting essay I’ve read in a long time. I just wish that all those people calling the latest shooter a “sicko” or “evil” would read it!
I have a question: In retrospect, what do you think could have been done to help you when you were going through all of this? Besides finding solace with the thugs who accepted you….and the drugs that numbed you….what could have been the thing that turned you around? Today there are too many kids in high school….and probably even middle school and elementary school….who are experiencing those same thoughts and emotions that you had. There doesn’t seem to be a solution out there for them. Maybe with your wisdom and insight, they can get help?
Phenomenal post. I an so sorry you suffered like that. I was different and school was a challenge for me too. I hope you keep writing.
I read every paragraph. It’s a fine piece, but I’m suspicious. I felt that it could be apocryphal on several occasions. It still could serve a valuable purpose, though7.
While it never got this bad for me, (not even close) I can understand some of where you are coming from. Be proud you got through it all! Be proud that you survived! Be proud of who you are and wherever you are now. Many times, those on top in high school are the ones stuck in their ruts years later. Many times, the “outsiders” are the ones that actually go somewhere with their lives. If you are not there now, it sounds like you are on your way. Life makes some wierd and unexplained turns sometimes. All we can do is the best we can.
Absolutely amazing article. Thank you for writing this. I cannot believe how sadistic and horrible children can be. Incredible that you made it though all of that horror.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart and the depth of my soul for speaking your truth. I am completely humbled by your strength and beauty. Divine masculine being. Sing your song brother. Sending so much love and gratitude. Your journey and energy resonates far and wide. Your call is being heard and is lifting humanity to a much more loving reality. Thank you.
Dave- this is a must share message. You have articulated what so many (unfortunately) young men may be feeling. I too plan to share your unadulterated message with my students. If just one person hears it & gets it, it would be a start.
Best read ever …society is too blame and so is greed…if everyone just thought back to the days when things were simple no fancy cars no huge massive houses …moms stayed home dad went to work and provided . The gov is too blame as well making it harder to live but it goes full circle …
I’m sorry that happened to you. I pray life is better and happier today.
So much respect for your raw honesty. I don’t know you but I am extremely proud of you.
David, I appreciate this piece with its raw emotion and truth. When I was I HS so many years ago I was not very high in the pecking order, but I had three or four GOOD friends who helped me see it through. I would like to apologize to you for the abhorrent behavior of your peers, there is no excuse.
I never thought I would say this, but I’m thankful you were doing drugs and that they kept you from shooting up your school.
It appears that you have grown into a caring, sensitive man and there are not enough of you around. My son shared your post, thus revealing himself to be sensitive and caring (something I have known for a long long time).
Thank you for having the courage to write this piece, I only hope more people read it.
Best writing ever. So powerful. Should submit to the New Yorker.