Sometimes I open Word and stare at the blinking cursor and wonder what I want to write about. I stare and stare and my head won’t focus on turning that blinking cursor into a stream of words, so I give up, log into Facebook or peruse the political/sport blogs and forget that I ever was going to write anything.
One of the things that stop me from posting is does anyone even care? It’s not like I’m writing anything earth shattering or educational. I just really do this to have a reason to write something. It is nice when people give me feedback, but if that were all I was doing, I would have quit a while ago.
Don’t get me wrong, I check my stats all the time to see how many people are reading my blog and when I see a Facebook notification I am excited to find out if it is a like or a comment on the blog.
I became single this last week and now I’m convinced I will never know a woman’s love again. Yup, I’ll be single for the next forty plus years and will have to revert to porn and strippers for female love.
What’s scary is I’m not looking for a wife, but I’m not looking for a fuck either. Most girls I have known have wanted to be one or the other, not in the middle. I just want someone who is around, but not building a whole family and following the American Dream path. Someone that likes to spend time with me, but also likes to be involved in her own life and doesn’t always need me to be apart of it.
I’m not ready to start looking, but I’m always thinking about it when I spend too much time alone.
I’m going to the beach with a bunch of guys this weekend. I don’t know if I’m excited or if I should be weary of walking into the hornets’ nest. I am looking forward to be out of town and on the coast. We’ll be playing football on the beach tomorrow and I don’t know if you know, I’m fucking awesome at football.
My problem with modern video games is they put all their energy in the online aspect. I hate playing online. I use video games to escape the social world, so getting repeatedly stabbed by some 13 year old from Guam isn’t my idea of a relaxing afternoon. I like the story. Video games are a literary tool to tell a story, and I get to interact with the plot. I really do get to be the hero of the story and save America from Makarov or Dragovich.
Being single means more video game time.
I am about three chapters in the book I’m writing. I do not spend enough time working on it. Sometimes it’s because I’m a lazy fuck, but other times it seems like I don’t have a chance to work on it.
I am depressed. I am in the place where I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. It’s not anyone else’s fault or I’m so weird, it’s just me not feeling connected to anyone. This is where my depression goes most of the time: me against humanity. I’ve been trying to hang out more, but when I do I feel like I’m not fitting in and people are just humoring me.
Being at the beach with a bunch of dudes ought to make me right. Right? Right?!?
I don’t have anything crazy to say about the election other than yay for gay marriages in some other states and yay on the black Reagan getting reelected.
On Saturday my family and I celebrated my Grandpa’s 90th birthday with a surprise limo ride. We went to Lewis & Clark College where he was President from 1960 – 1981 and saw his old office with his portrait hanging on the wall. He and his wife cried as his children read letters of love and gratitude to him. We then took the Limo to Jake’s grill. We finished up the night with a limo ride up Terwilliger to the Chart House for lava cake. It was a magical night and I’m glad to be a part of it.
Papa (my grandpa) did ask me about when I was going to find a nice lady to settle down with and I said I was going to do the opposite of him and go for quantity over quality. He was not impressed.
It is hard to hang out with the family because I feel so foreign compared to the rest of them. I just am not interested in the same things or have the same goals. The big divider between my family and me is golf. I. Hate. Golf. I love them dearly and I am grateful for my family everyday, but it really brings out the loneliness and not feeling a part of anything.
Also, baseball is over. This is always a tough transition for me.
Nice job. I check out your website on a regular, and I am always blown away by your honesty. Would you like to be friends? I read something earlier that made me think of you.
http://www.freshyarn.com/1/essays/davis_ninth.htm
I don’t like playing online games ether. I have decided I am going to call you D.E.F. from now on.
I was eating nine grain toast with peanut butter (the kind you have to stir, its better tasting and I get a sense of accomplishment when I’ve successfully stirred it), drinking hot chocolate while re-reading “Fellowshio of the Ring” when you posted this. I re-read my favorite books often, LotR, Dune, Song of Fire and Ice, usually yearly. I think I’ve read LotR and Dune every year since I was fifteen, thats 32 times at least, probably more beacuse I’ve read some of the series more than once in a year. Like good peanut butter toast these books are comfort. I’ve also watched every filmed eipsode and movie of all the Star Treks ever made. Thats like over 700 epsiodes of film (but I’ve never made it thru a single epsidoe of the animated series, its terrible) Star Trek episodes are comfort like hot chocolate in the mug my roommate made (he’s amaster potter you know) and gave me for my birthday. These little comfort ease off the edges of non-belongingness. These little comforts help and it helps knowing that altho we may be different in how we experience our non-belongingness; I can take comfort in the fact that we both feel that non-belongingness.
We are in the same boat my friend. I am currently sitting at Backspace, having just witnessed a reading by some talentless hack and a pocket full of money, wishing I had someone or something better to do, or do it with (no matter how I write it, it becomes sexual). However, I do not. Even though I know that it won’t always be as such, doesn’t mean I still don’t think and feel as if it will. Have fun on douche beach.