There is Such Thing as Island Time

I have my CT scan appointment scheduled next week on the 18th. I got the call last Thursday, and it has reminded me how scared I am. My oncology appointment is on the 20th, so finally I can get a fucking answer.What if you had five years left on earth? What if you actually had only a couple of good years left followed by two or three pain filled bed ridden pain killer smothered wretched years left? What would you do? No, seriously. That answer is bullshit. You would not be this pillar of stoicism and just be a great person and die with dignity with everyone around your bed crying how fantastic you were; you would be a sniveling little cry baby scared out of your god damed mind, like me.

People try to comfort me by telling me to just focus on the good news. Don’t worry about the worst case scenario, just focus on it being fine. I just can’t, and in some ways, I’m grateful for that because I get to prepare myself to find out when and how I’m going to die – I just have to worry about the where and why.

Sometimes when I’m in that state late late at night when I’m just barely asleep and I’m waiting to succumb to sleep, I feel like I’m falling. It’s not vertigo, but I just feel weightless and I have that sensation in my groin that I might be falling farther than I should be, but then I fall asleep.

I started feeling this during the day. I’ll be at work, on the bus, in a meeting or hanging out with my girlfriend and I’ll feel like I’m falling and it’s because I’m panicking. I can almost hear the wind rush by my ears even though I’m standing completely still. I have to wait till it washes over me and I feel like I’m on earth’s surface again. Sometimes I’m talking to someone and I feel the free fall and I can’t hear anything they’re saying and I hope that they aren’t asking me any questions as I wait for the feeling to pass.

Sometimes it isn’t falling. It is just blank. This is what people who study eastern religion try to attain in meditation, but I’m standing there blank and I’m terrified because I have no ties to reality for minutes at a time. I face the same dilemma when I’m in the middle of having a conversation with someone and I just blank out where I don’t even see anyone standing in front of me telling me about a funny thing that happened when they were at work. They look at me weird when I arrive back to his or her plane of existence and I don’t seem to be listening to the story. They think I’m rude.

Some of this is left over chemo residue, but some of it is panic and fear. I can not write successfully into words how fucking terrified I am of what I may find out at my next oncology appointment. I fear how I will react if the news is bad. Why waste my time trying to be a good person anymore? Why even live for as long as I’m sentenced to?

I spoke with a few people this weekend who have gone through a similar situation. The worst part was they both talked about being depressed when they were told they were fine. This is what I and everyone who loves me wants to happen, but I might just get depressed if I find out I’m just going to be okay.

I went to a wedding this weekend up at Orcas island. Every moment and space was filled with Magic & Love. I was like an extra gnome in a faerie tale happy ending where the prince and the princess are having their happy ending. I sat in the kitchen with them this morning as credits rolled over the picturesque pond with a wooded hill behind it while barn swallows flew in a swarm singing praise to the young couple’s love. It was happy, awe inspiring and just flat out gross.  As in all weddings, marriage, love and commitment is a topic spoken frequently. This also makes me look at what I’m doing now, where I’ve been and where I want to go. I was so inspired by the young newlyweds that I thought about how I wanted to get married and start to build a relationship, but then I remembered that I might not be around long enough to enjoy that.

Max and I were moved by each of our relationships, we decided to podcast about it. I also did another one recently catching everyone up since it had been a long time since my last podcast.

I also turned off the Instagram posting to this blog because it was emailing all the subscribers every time I posted a picture. My Instagram handle is @defisher.

On the way back, my girlfriend and I stopped at Red Lobster. This has been a mistake, but a mistake I’ve made with an awesome companion. She and I continue to terrorize the countryside every chance we get and have plans to terrorize more countrysides in the near future.

I am still happy and scared at the same time.