When Will Jupiter Explode?

I was getting ready for bed when three loud booms shook the apartment and scared me to death. They were just fireworks, but now I am running on adrenaline and fear, so maybe writing a New Years blog will calm the nerves.

Fuck 2014. What a goddamn rip-off. The only thing that I can come up with for why this had to be the year to be a nightmare is that this is the year I could handle it, and I barely could.

I drifted into 2014 like so many past years with not a lot of expectations. I had a job I loved, a woman I love even more, good health and still fitting in size 30 pants.

The first half of the year went fine. Sharon broke her wrist and had some struggles with that, but nothing we couldn’t handle. We all have bad weeks.

Then I caught the cancer. Nothing in my life before, even other people having cancer, could have prepared me for this.

Now I’m wearing size 34 pants.

Now I’m unemployed and won’t be able to look for a job until I have surgery in late January and recuperate for two months, so 2015 isn’t looking all that attractive either.

I will have to take pain meds. The very thought scares me and excites me at the same time. I’ve lost a lot of friends to pain meds. Too many.

I can’t and won’t smoke, but I want to.

All I know is family and friends stepped up and supported me through the worst time in my life. I think often how I’ll never be able to repay everyone.

I still had a hard time asking for help. Even with cancer I felt like I’d be a burden if I asked for rides or other forms of help.

I still have an amazing girlfriend who warms my heart everyday. I’ve never felt so much comfort around someone before. We have walked through some real struggles, but have walked through them together. I look forward to everyday with her.

My family has loved me through some real rough patches too, but continuously supports me. I get to be an uncle to two special nieces. They are the only reason I can’t say I hate all kids. They melt my heart every time I see them.

My best friend and his wife and Sharon and I played board games until midnight and it was perfect. We laughed. It was a perfect New Years Eve. I can’t believe my best friend and I are old now.

I do have some hope that 2015 will turn out good. If the surgery goes well and nothing is hiding, I will be cancer free and on my way to being healthy.

I’m not going to make any resolutions this year, but I know that I’m not going to not do something because I’m scared or more often because I think I have time to do it later. I have to stop being so surprised that I’m still alive and somewhat normal. I have to stop regretting what I’ve done so I don’t regret what I didn’t do now.

The adrenaline is running out and I’m exhausted. Hopefully the fireworks are over.

I get to start 2015 off with a long Dungeons & Dragons session while watching college football.

I get to wake up with the woman of my dreams.

I get to wake up sober and sane.

Fuck cancer.